That Ego……a blessing or a curse?

I was arguing with a certain male once upon a time n it was so obvious he was wrong; the dumbest person could tell, yet he wasn’t going to give. He kept on harping on his lame point n at a point I was disgusted. I like to argue but only when it’s done intelligently. I mean, if n when a person is wrong, shouldn’t he/she be graceful in admitting n taking correction? Not my guy oh! God forbid that he bow to my opinion…..after all I am a lady! What more does my specie know to do than to cook, clean n keep house? SMH!

It didn’t take so much to figure out what he was about. It’s all about the ego. That sacred, untouchable aspect of a man’s being a lady shouldn’t be messing with. What exactly is the ego anywayz? Let’s ask the dictionary shall we? It says, ‘the ‘I’ or self of any person as thinking, feeling or willing……. It also says, ‘conceit, self-esteem or self-importance feelings. Do we get the picture? If you don’t, just think about the reason why a man would refuse to help his wife within/without the home n we are good to go. Ok? Let’s go!

So, we have an idea of what the ego is. Everyone has a measure of it but am I biased to say the men have a larger dose of it? Ego in itself is not a bad thing. It’s just like saying one has a measure of self-esteem. A healthy self-esteem is required to maintain healthy relationships n succeed. One’s self-concept is very important. It’s gotta be right n healthy. Now, what happens when there is a very high supply of this? High self-esteem, high self-concept, too much ego…..I’ll say it’s tantamount to pride, in any way you might wanna explain it, I’m all ears. Shall we see the dictionary again? It says, ‘pride is a high or inordinate opinion of one’s dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.’ So, we can say pride is synonyms with hyper ego or an over-inflated self-esteem.

God is His wisdom knows why he created man the way he did. The physique, emotions, mind, qualities n attributes. Interestingly, it seems He put a good dose of the ego in the whole package, but I doubt if He intended it to be a curse. A man without an ego is unattractive-at least to me. He’s gotta have ‘balls’! Can’t be acting all sissy n jelly. He has to be able to earn my respect n admiration and his ego has a lot to do with that. We all know that saying- too much of anything is bad? Well, in this case I agree! Yes, please have that ego but a super duper dose? No, thanks….I’ll pass!

What is it that makes a man make rash decisions n then cannot revoke it even with pleas n in the face of imminent destruction? What makes a man think women are created for his pleasure n he can have them when he pleases? What makes a man think there’s no lady he could ever ask out that would say ‘No’ to him? What makes a man think he can hurt a woman n then give her a time limit to get over it? What makes it difficult for a man to apologize to his wife even after he has caused her so much pain? What makes it difficult for a man to help his wife with her work/chores? What makes a man go berserk when his masculinity is questioned? Brethren, the ‘what makes….’ won’t end. Have a whole lot of them.

A dear friend said to me, ‘girl, I am advising you like a brother would. Never, ever touch your man’s ego. It’s the worst thing you could do to a man.’ Wow! I must say, he made a lot of sense as I have come to see that. So, I would say, Ladies, please do your best to stroke your man’s ego n avoid stepping on it. It’s unwise for a sister to say to her man, ‘Be a man’. Honey, he don’t need you telling him that. A woman’s gotta know how to harness her man’s qualities n maximize them. So, two things- Don’t tread on it n stroke it. Yes, massage it. He needs you to. That just means- boost his self confidence n esteem.

Brothers! Now, I’m unto you. I have just one answer for the ‘what makes’ up there…..it’s called an OVER- INFLATED EGO! It is destructive. In as much as you are a man, n you got the power, do not forget you are dealing with a fellow human being even if she might be your woman. ‘Do unto others what you would have them do to you’. No exceptions. Half of what men dish out they cannot take. When it’s over inflated, it is difficult to see. You cannot see past yourself n your needs. You cannot see past her shortcomings. You cannot see or respect her opinions n needs. You cannot see past the arrogance n false sense of authority. I remember this chiker n really, that chase wasn’t a palatable one because all I could see in him was that OVER-INFLATED EGO. Of course, I ran for my dear life.

What caused Lucifer’s fall? That over-inflated ego. Guys, it could be a blessing and vice-versa; it’s your call. If you have a woman that does her best to encourage n impress you, then don’t ruin it. Don’t allow that ego take over. Control it, manage it, do all you can to keep it healthy but not overgrown. Yes, you are the head of the home, the head of the woman, her crown…..you have that much power but the real test of it is to have it n not misuse it. Remember, our choices n decisions make us. He didn’t give it to you to be misused; it is supposed to be a blessing.

So, I am tempted to agree with Beyonce when she says, ‘if it’s too big, too strong, too wide n too much - it WON’T fit ‘cos if he has a huge ego n such a big ego………..I don’t want none of it!

Much love!

Words to live by!

                                          
Holla! I hope everyone’s been doing just great?

I came across these ‘wise sayings’ recently n I thought I should share. Please read n pick that which hits home *smiles*

The measure of a man is based on the position he places God in his life. If God ain’t priority, he CAN’T love you properly.

Ladies, A relationship should be a merger, not a take-over.

Men, understand that it’s an honour to be in the presence of a woman’s emotions, to be in that space is a privilege!

Ladies, if he doesn’t act right, he should get left!

Submission teaches a man accountability n gives the woman a clue to what kind of man he is by the countenance of his mentor.

Ladies, your single time is your BEST time. It gives you the chance to evaluate if he is worthy enough of you. 

Scripture says, U are the prize!

A woman should be able to trace a man’s spiritual lineage (mentorship).

Ladies, don’t be ‘blinded’ by what he has/does. Really, his maturity level determines if he is a ‘Man’ or ‘Boy’.

Ladies, don’t plan that weding and marriage until you have seen the FRUITS, not the words but the fruits of his maturity.

Ladies, Men do not make a mess and not clean up. Only pigs wallow in mess. Make sure he is a man and not a male pig.

A repentant man humbles himself and is broken by her pain. He wants to repair the damage and weeps privately for what he’s done to her.

Men, you cannot hurt a woman and then put a time limit on when she should get over the hurt.

Most men don’t understand sensitivity. Many only know how to HANDLE things!!! Sadly, they also try to HANDLE their women!

Dear daughter, when you fail to define yourself, you leave room for any man to come in and define you.

Learning to ignore some things is one of the great paths to inner peace.

You win some, you lose some and some get rained out…..but you have to get dressed for all of them- Satchel Paige.

Here’s wishing everyone a happy Easter celebration while we remember the reason for the season.

Much love!

Eko o ni baje!

'Everyman sent out from his university should be a man of his Nation as well as a man of his time.' - Woodrow Wilson.

Hi blog-pals, hope we had fabulous weekends yeah?

This deviates from my regular posts in a tiny winny way. Yea, we still going to talk about love but this time, it wouldn't be about the mushy mushy boy-girl thingy......this time I'm about the love for a city.

I remember I used to dread the city of Lagos like it was a plague. Say Lagos and all I could think of was traffick jams, one-chance, kidnap, non-existing power, notorious Oshodi, Danfo survival, flooding during the rains, noise, dirt, too many people, robbery........just name any vice n I easily linked it to Lagos. Insanity! I vowed never to live in Lagos, why suffer when places like Abuja exists?

January 1, 2008, my family n I cruised into Lagos for our usual LIG Family Re-union.....right from the 'Aro-meta', we started seeing changes. My dad could not stop talking about how clean the streets were. You see, he was born, buttered, sugared n Tea-d in Lagos n it had been awhile since he saw a clean Lagos. No traffick. The land was looking green n sane. He was impressed with the present government.

The heart is the center of a man's being. It controls almost everything about him. Little wonder the good book tells us to guard our hearts with all diligence for out of it springs the issues of life. True words. As a man would think in his heart, so is he. Now, who wouldn't agree with me that Lagos is the heart of Nigeria? Anybody?

Even with all the 'terrible' testimonies about Lagos, the people ain't leaving, rather what you see is an influx of people from in and out of the nation looking for greener pastures. Relatives invite their people from the village communities to come n make a living in Lagos. Thousands of people come into the city to transact business on a daily basis. Live the life, partake of the hype....as a Lag babe/bobo is concerned. Societies n international organizations recognize the city n it has a whole lot of awards to its name. You just cannot undermine the effect this city has on the nation as a whole.

Imagine a Japan without Tokyo, imagine a United States without New York, imagine a United Kingdom without London.......now, imagine a Nigeria without Lagos.

In case you are wondering if this is a campaign, dispel that thought. I'm not even a Lagos indigene, but when I see progress, I commend it. Kudos to the Babatunde Raji Fashola government for working on Lagos n making it work. I came across the I SEE LAGOS page on Facebook which encourages people to air n express their visions for Lagos. The BRF government seeks to hear from the people; what do you want from Lagos? What do you see when you see Lagos? Please visit this link to share your vision- http://www.facebook.com/iseelagos

Share your ideas n concepts and be rest assured it would be taken into consideration. Who knows, you might be getting a contract.

We can make it better, we can make changes. For my peeps in diaspora,  but just imagine a Lagos with a dysfunctional airport.....how do you wanna visit n come home? We all know MM2 is still the most functional airport in Naija, last time I checked. So, this is about you too. This is a chance to give your input.

My song definitely isn't the same......I sing a different note now. Lagos still has its hustle n bustle, but living is a lot better. At least each day, we have power supply for 12 hours (give/take). The roads are clean, waste management works. Transportation is better, I am yet to be robbed n I can walk through Oshodi without being tosssed about. I'll say Lagos is working.

So, dear blog-fam......this is about my found love for Lasgidi (Lagos). I am a Lasgidi babe confirmed!

Please visit the I SEE LAGOS Facebook page or website to leave your ideas- http://www.iseelagos.org.ng/

'The Lagos we SEE is the future we'll have'

Eko o ni baje!

Much love!

Marriage…Best Before:?? ?? ????

On this hot, really sunny Saturday afternoon, Mo’ was so spent n thirsty; she had spent the better part of the day cleaning n she needed to revitalize. So, she stepped out to the corner shop to get a bottle of Viju Apple juice. Viju safe in hand, she’s about to unscrew when something just tells her to check the expiry date. Lo’ n behold, it was 6 months past its shelf life. There was no way Mo’ was gonna take that. She returned the juice n got her refund. Good thing the content was still intact.

How many of us check the expiry date of products especially food n meds before buying n consuming ‘em? I know I used to n somehow along the way, I forgot to but now, I am back in the business. Can’t be having ill health due to my carelessness, that’s a luxury I cannot afford. If you ain’t in the habit of checking, I suggest, scratch that, I plead that you imbibe it. You never know. There’s a reason manufacturers put the expiry date on their products. It means you would only get the best out of it before that date, anytime after n what you get is something substandard. Well, if I spend to purchase, it better be the best I could get. It’s my hard earned money we are talking about! Lol!

Ok! So people, what about marriage? Should brides n grooms come with expiry dates too? Lucy bearing a sign- ‘Yo! You better come marry me before xx-xx-xxxx if you wanna get the best outta me!’ ‘A day after n my value n worth keeps reducing, grab me now!’ Something like that.

Each time I tell people I aint in a relationship presently, they look at me or react like I have grown horns on my head n ask, ‘what is wrong?’ ….SMH…. I really try not to get offended. I guess society has just made it that a girl my age should be in a serious relationship headed for marriage or even be married! A pikin like me. Why would a 27/28 years old lady be without a man when she’s expected to be married before 30 after which she would be considered to have married late? I ask, by whose standards?

Marriage I believe is a beautiful institution God created for two individuals to come together n unite to fulfill purpose. It’s should be a sacred union, merging the values, beliefs, visions n souls of two people. I believe next to choosing to live for God, picking a marital partner is about the most important decision a person could make. You best be getting it right, because, it would shape n determine the course of your life. So, we know how serious this step is n how it needs to be approached carefully n prayerfully. Why then are people so much in a hurry to get into it, they don’t take the time to get it right? It is going to be for a lifetime, what would a few ‘extra’ years hurt to get it right? What is the rush? At this point I think I hear someone say, ‘Are you normal?’

I had an argument with a friend awhile back n he was telling me to say ‘yes’ to a chiker he happened to think would be good for me. He felt time wasn’t really on my side n I really cannot afford to be too choosy. I tried not to go ballistic on him, trust me it took all my will power ‘cos I knew he was just looking out for me. It sounded so wrong to me. Why would I settle? Because time isn’t on my side? Do I have an expiry date? A lot of ladies want to be married before 30, that seems to be the assumed ‘best-before’ marriageable date for ladies. A year after that n you are considered to marry late. Again, I ask- by whose standards? Has the society now become God to sit over n judge my life?

I have no oppositions to marrying ‘early’ enough. Personally, I would have loved to be married by 26/27 but right now, it doesn’t appear to be happening, so, shall I go jump into the lagoon because people cannot deal with it? Shall I jeopardize my future with hasty decisions because I want to conform to the expectations of the society n people around me?

Hey, do you feel me? Do you feel like time is running out on you n you have not a single suitor in sight? Do you feel like you have been too choosy n have probably chased away the man for you hoping you would meet Mr. Right? Do you feel you have passed the ‘marriageable age’ n you just have to get used to being with yourself? Hold that thought! Now, crush it! It’s never too late! Despair not! He owns time n if He hasn't said it is too late, then it is not!He makes all things beautiful in HIS time, not your time, not the society’s time but HIS time. Delay is not denial! It may seem like He’s forgotten about you, but Lady, Mister, He’s only working out the best for you.  You only need to keep your hope n faith alive n keep working on n preparing yourself.

Hold up now. There’s a balance. You also have to take an inward look. You have to ask yourself some questions. Are you doing the right things? Are you positioning yourself? Are you sowing the right seeds? Have you prepared yourself? Are your standards n demands reasonable? Have you prayed n sought God? If you have done all these, then please ease your mind n keep trusting God, He will make it happen. Better to have a ‘late’ marriage than an unhappy one or ‘early’ divorce.

Just because Mandy got married at 25, n Katie, 28 doesn’t mean it has to be same for you. Maybe God wants you married at 40! Is that so hard to believe? I know a number of people would disagree with me on this but I tell you if I have to wait till 40 to get it right, I would, rather than settle for/manage something I know is not for me. Guyz, you haven’t found the right one for you n the clock is ticking? Please, keep looking, there sure is that one for you n if the clock bothers you so much, just take out the battery, it definitely would stop ticking (if you know what I mean). Lol!

The only standards n words I want to live by are God’s n if He says it ain’t too late for me n that His thoughts towards me are of good, not evil to bring me to my expected end, n that things will be beautiful in His time, then I think I just wanna focus on getting ready for that time. My energy shall be expended on ‘waiting’ for my harvest. I shall henceforth be oblivious to what society has to say about my relationship status but hold on to 

His promises.

 

Who’s with me?

Much love!

I long to say……..‘YES!’

 

………………but for now, all I seem to be saying is ‘NO’. 

I am inspired to write this because of some wonderful n peculiar set of people who at one point or the other in my twenty-something years have thought me worthy enough to be their girl.

This is to the numerous guyz (yeah, I’m hot like that…..wink) who have said, “Mo’, please be my lady”. I really wish it were that simple n it could have been affirmative; for some it was a big ‘no no’ but for some others, it was an ‘almost’ but in this case we all know almost doesn’t count.

You might wonder why I am doing this; well, I feel it’s been a long time coming. A whole lot of people have been bugging n asking about that LIST. The List that seems to determine the fate of dem brothers. Ha ha! Oh, maybe I don’t have a list, maybe I do, I know at a point I did sit down to write long page(s) of the qualities n values I would love my man to possess. I broke it down to the basics n frivolities-the die-hard ones n the ones I could do without. In my mind, I already had a template to check the poor unsuspecting guys n when they came along, you bet I did my check. 

Good Looks - CHECK! Fat Bank Account – CHECK! Shiny Wheels – CHECK! Fab Job – CHECK! 

OK, you know I’m kidding, but really that’s some peoples check list up there, makes me wonder if the babe is going for the guy or his ‘attaches’. Anywayz, I do my check too….but then a time came, no thanks to some influences when I started to think I was placing too much importance on The List n letting the ‘good guyz’ slip by me. I heard, ‘you iz too picky, too choosy’, ‘you need to amend your list and make it realistic’. I do agree, some of the qualities were a little juvenile, and so I ‘grew’ it up. Still, no candidate fitted the description. Oh, List-Guy, where are you?

Do I sound like you? Have you spent awhile amending and upgrading your list and still, that guy/lady remains MIA? Are you beginning to think you are asking for too much and you need to make your list ‘realistic’? Well, two things; 1- maybe it isn’t the List that needs to change per se but you and 2- maybe you are living in Fantasy Land.

A lot of us want our man/woman to be a certain way but have we taken time to work on us to be that way? You yearn for Mr./Missy Right, have you taken time to make yourself right? Do you think the person you are now can attract Mr./Missy Right to you? Are you well equipped to complement Mr./Missy Right in all wise? So, just maybe your List is fine, but you ain’t and the trick is once you change, your List invariably changes. You see, the List isn’t really about the other person, it’s all about you dearie. :D

Oh, and just maybe you are asking for too much. I know we all have a picture of whom n what we want, trust me, ain’t nobody got it down like I do, but really some of ‘em can be just fickle. It might be a lil difficult to find someone with the entire package, but if we can find 80%, we good yeah? On my list used to be- A Power Dresser! Now, don’t laugh! I feel if I can take time to work on my dress sense, my guy should also do the same, but recently, I had to amend that. My orientation changed n I realize it just might be me he needs to teach him how to ‘Power-dress’. You see, what I am saying is, things like that can be worked upon n learnt as long as the person is willing n teachable; that’s the quality to look out for- a teachable spirit. A person with that attitude can learn to do things different n better. While I would not go for someone with a totally off dress sense, I am open to a guy who may not be a Power Dresser but still knows that plain shirts are better on stripped pants, especially if they have different designs!

A lot of factors influence our choices and sometimes when the obvious doesn’t catch our fancy, we tend to be un-interested. I am so guilty of that but I realize it wouldn’t hurt to take a closer look- from a safe distance though (if you know what I mean) just to be double sure you observed right.

I know my list is not un-realistic because, I actually have met guyz who fit the description well enough, but the conditions weren’t right else, we may have been starting something. For as much as you know you are not being ethereal n fickle in your List, I plead with you, keep working on you n don’t touch that list! I ain’t contradicting me, get it right. You know you have worked on you and have invested in building n getting yourself ready for ‘the one’, then dearie, you deserve someone who also has taken time out to do the same! I don’t vote for settling. Please do not settle, perhaps due to pressure or perceived time-out. In as much as you know that your List-guy/lady abounds n they ain’t a pigment of your imagination, please be patient n wait for that one. Don’t toss off one of those vital qualities you know you cannot live without. E.g, for me, if a guy had all the points in my list down, but couldn’t connect n communicate effectively with me, it ain’t going nowhere. Communication I believe is the live wire of any relationship n it’s on my core qualities, we just have to have that connection!

To all my ‘chikers’ n ‘toasters’, I am sorry if I hurt your feelings, I am sorry if I dashed your hopes. I am sorry if I was harsh n unfeeling, all I did, I needed to do. I just need you to know, I am honored that you thought about me n felt I was worthy enough to share your life with, but alas! It would have been a living hell for incompatibility would have dealt with us. For all those I said ‘NO’ to, it wasn’t because you weren’t good enough, oh no, it solely was n is that - we just ain’t right for each other. My ‘NO’ gives you the opportunity to do better; it only means you just have to keep searching till you find ‘the one’. I realize it wasn’t what you hoped to hear, but really, you knew it was an option. A ‘NO’ shouldn’t be the end of the world. So, let’s shake hands and be friends while we both keep moving on to ‘the promised land’.

Much Love.

What a guy wants…..what a guy needs…..whatever makes him happy…..?

If anyone should ask what I want right now, the list would be- a fabulous job, a behd car, a new phone, IPad, hard drive, a beach house, trip to the Caribbean and if they can wing it- a husband. What do you want?

So, I did this check on FB recently, to get a feel of what the average man wants; note- I didn’t ask what a man wants from his woman, I just put, ‘What do men really want?’ and alas! The larger percentage bent towards demands from a woman (that goes to say they really can’t do without us, now whose world is it? Ha ha!)


P.S- FB is one of the most rewarding means for seeking information, if you know how to use it. It is interesting to know just about how much you can find out on facebook.


Well, the responses varied- from the guy that wants- a good job n a woman that brings happiness to the one who wants- real n rare love and the one who wants- a humble, sincere, intelligent, homely, responsible, mentally strong, caring and God-fearing lady, plus another who feels money and sex is about it. Trust me some answers were eye openers and some, downright hilarious but one particular one got my attention and got me thinking. This pal said and I quote, ‘This is really a tricky question, but lemme answer it this way. This response would be almost solely for the man you choose to love. It’s not something you can give to every man that comes your way although every man craves it. The absolute need is Respect (honour, submission) from his spouse. Not a form of subservience but in love. This crave of man is in the very essence of him, wired in his quest for dominion. Now the trick is once a man can get it from his immediate spouse, the rest is settled from his externals’. I kept turning this over and over in my mind, not because this was a first but it hit me somewhere close to ‘home’. Then I remembered what God said when he created Adam- the first man to ever live. He said, ‘Be fruitful n multiply. Dominate the earth and subdue it’ #gbam!. This was the very WORD……the rev.

It didn’t stop there, I got kinda excited, and so I decided to experiment. I tried this on a couple of unsuspecting male peeps n it worked. In that experiment, I discovered that even if a man doesn’t like you, but you make him feel special and like a king, he will begin to look your way. There’s seems to be something about making a man feel that he owns the world, at least your world that turns him on, so to speak.. Just make him feel like a king and he’d be tripping to please you. This isn’t hearsay, tried it, it worked.

I got excited because it was a challenge to me. On an average, I can be extremely independent and stubborn. My friends once nick-named me ‘no-nonsense’. I don’t condone rubbish, you mess up, I treat your case. Brethren, I started thinking, could this be a minus for me when I’m married? I know I am supposed to submit to my husband, but can I do that even when he messes up, makes me mad or is being irrational? It was reality check time.

I heard something few weeks ago……’the difference between an achiever and a wannabe achiever is confidence. When I thought about it, I had to agree, confidence is like a drug that gives one the leverage to do just about anything. You feel like you can take on the world and fear ain’t got nothing on you. Well, when a man has a woman’s (especially the one he loves) respect, admiration, attention and submission, he has that confidence, and it is a good feeling. Now, a man’s source of confidence shouldn’t necessarily be from his significant other, but when the odds around him are trying to put a damp on his spirit and bring him down, but there’s that one who has made it her duty to make him feel special and loved, those odds become less significant.

It is innate in a man to want to dominate. It is like his God-given role. He wants to be in charge and when he’s not, things aren’t ok. No man wants a woman who can’t listen and submit to him. One person’s gotta wear the pants, and it has to be him. Now, I ain’t married, so I cannot give you a first-hand experience on what submission to a husband should be, but I can tell you what I think.

I think it’s about allowing him take the lead, I think it’s about voicing my opinion but not always insisting on it. I think it’s about constant respect, no matter what he does or doesn’t do. I think it’s about meeting his needs, I think it’s about the way I talk to him, being able to disagree and differ without being overbearing. I think it’s about encouraging him relentlessly. I don’t think submission is enslavement neither do I think it’s about keeping quiet when you know he is wrong. I don’t think it’s about letting him take you for granted constantly neither do I think it’s about letting him get away with bad/destructive behavior.


Like that my pal wisely said, this ain’t for every man but for that special man….and He even said, ‘wives, be ye submissive unto your husbands’, not women, be submissive to men. The recipe I believe Christ gave for marriage is LOVE and SUBMISSION. ‘Husbands, love your wives……..’ ‘Wives, be submissive…….’ That says a whole lot.


Ok, this is just my opinion, am I wrong? What do you think?


Much love.

Valentine…….Yay?

I don’t know, but something tells me I haven’t really experienced ‘Valentine’ in the real sense of it. Perhaps I would be more certain if I actually knew what Valentine is or is supposed to be. Some say it’s a season of love; to love and show love. Others say it’s a time for lovers to specially appreciate each other. Yea, a lot of definitions come up when its Valentine day, but one thing every party seems to agree upon is LOVE, that’s the key word for Valentine.

So, Can I say we are celebrating love today? Are you celebrating love my friend? How? Is it just with that special someone? Is that what and how it’s meant to be? Shall love be personalized and customized? How many of us really do know and understand what love is all about anywayz?

I just got off chatting with a dear friend, oops; I meant arguing (smiling). Hey now, I’m not anti-guyz, I’m for real about that, but erm, of all the guyz who wanted to be my val and trust me they were quite a number (I’m a fine gal u know…hehehe), NONE of ‘em came bearing gifts; not even a call! Why? Oh, I’ll tell you why; I wasn’t committing myself. Okay! Maybe they don’t love me, but valentine is supposed to be about giving….or not?

Why do we have to love in anticipation of a reward? Hmmm? Why can’t we just love and expect nothing? Just give and give without expecting to receive even though you might receive. I stand to be corrected, but I wanna assume this guyz held back because I didn’t bear/show my encouragement and perhaps they doubted if it would be a worthy investment and before you start crucifying me guyz; just take awhile to ponder on what I’m saying…..it’s not just about the guyz though, ladies are guilty too, I just used that scenario to express my point.

Now, some relationship experts and human psychologists say ladies are naturally built to receive and guyz to give, I choose to talk about just humans now, let’s forget the gender. You can contest this but God originated love, it is who HE is. It’s HIS being. So, if He brought love to existence, He knows what love is about. He demonstrated unconditional love when Jesus died blameless for sinners. Now, you may say, ‘but He also expected our repentance, He bought us with that act’, but how  then can you explain His grace, mercy and forgiveness? His provision, protection and blessings even though you have done absolutely nothing to deserve them? Did He do all these for a reward too? I bet not!

I am nowhere near demonstrating unconditional love yet, but I can’t help but wonder how the world would be a better place if we tried it. Chocolates, cards, perfumes, teddy bears are changing locations today, but is this what Valentine really should be about? Just that special someone to spoil and be spoiled? What about those who don’t have to give? Those who have never been loved or know what it is to be loved?

Don’t get me wrong, it is wonderful to appreciate your loved ones today and one of the demonstrations of loving is giving, so, it’s also nice to exchange gifts but hey, don’t get carried away now and forget to actually show that love; let it reflect. It is kind, patient, suffers long, does not rejoice at evil, does not boast, does not demand its own…..it is selfless, true love that is. So, I ask, if your special one gave you nothing today even though you got everything for him/her, how would you feel? Would it be okay? Can you actually give without expecting to get anything in return? Sounds Herculean yea?

See peeps, I wouldn’t even front and say I’m there, but I realize that even though it would be nice to love and be loved; to give and receive…….the real essence of true loving is to do it unconditionally; no buts. So, as we celebrate love today, think about the nice and kind things you can do for people without getting a reward for it, then do them. Try to give off yourself without expecting a reward; the interesting thing though is that for as long as you give, you would always receive…maybe not from your recipient, but you would get back if you give, it’s a diehard principle. So, don’t be scared to give selflessly, He said you would get back good measure pressed down. Give with a cheerful heart, love genuinely, express unhindered.

It sounds like a not-to-easy-thing-to-do, but give it a trail, just for today yeah, and see how it goes. Remember, it is better to give than to receive…..I didn’t say it!

Happy Valentine,

Muah!

So, I Stylishly came here......

Oooookaay! Here goes! Something a lil different from my usual notes.
I am actually peeking between the fingers of both hands which I have fully covering my face, I know, its been awhile I blogged.......totally lost the drive and allowed other things take over.....the husband, the children....sighs (I really wish!)

Happy 2011 bloggers, may this year see you achieving your dreams and letting go to dream more!

Special thanks to LDP who has brought me here this year and adorned me with an award for 'Stylish and Versatile Blogger'...imagine my surprise.....me how? why? who? when? My first thought was, 'why mock me na?' but I realize that it has proved useful...at least here I am.

Seven gists about moi!


1. I am unashamedly partial to the color purple, you want me to like your shoe, bag, earring, top, skirt, toothbrush, comb...name it, just make sure its purple and I'ld be nodding my head. Of course, my wedding colors are purple and lilac!

2. I am a neatness freak! Got an award...Miss Tidy.....holler @ your gal. I get edgy and uncomfortable when I see things scattered and out of place.....trust me this has caused quite a number of hassles btw my friends n I, but I can't help it.....thats just the way I am.

3. I value friendships and go to lengths to cultivate 'em.....most of my close friends are peeps from my elementary school.....we stuck together, however, if I am taken for granted, I can tune off......just like that!

4. I have a weakness for cute, well built guyz....u know the whole six pacs and fine, clean boy look.......and so, if you know that thou art endowed, please be nice and put a long-sleeved shirt on......help a sister out.

5. I like to discuss and share about relationships; a lot! Little wonder my blog got founded on that n His flows rep that. You got relationship gist? I'm your gal.

6. I wear weaves more than I do my own hair.....I think it helps my hair grow well because I don't get to stress it and besides I can create and alter my look anytime I want to...they make me look fly, 'specially the short ones........yea, Ri Ri ain't gat nufin on me, Ha!

7. I saved this for last, but its definitely not the least. I LOVE God. Without His love, grace and mercy.....believe me, I woulda been a goner, but each day, He keeps demonstrating His love and I'm totally captivated.

So, thats me up there......and now, I pass the baton to these wonderful people- NakedSha, LDP , sis yemmie, Eve, Bigshot, De-Me-Stified, 2cute4u, Kennisbleglad, mwajimal,  Godson, Myne Whitman, Lightherlamp, Blogoratti, leggy, Scarlet.

I know most of you have been tagged but you are my chosen! Now, we want to know 7 things about you and you also bestow 15 peeps with this award......don't forget to acknowledge me o *wink*

Its bye for now people......

Much Love!

Missionary Dating: Dating with a mission?

MOTIVES; I remember that movie, do you? Shemar Moore was such a douche, thought he had it going on smooth and all, living the life and just throwing his weight around; wanting to eat his cake and have it (seriously, we all need to let it sink in that the moment we pop that ‘cake’ in, we say bye- bye). His childhood friend was a man on a mission; with a vision. You see, that sort of man is relentless and sometimes dangerous because he would do whatever it takes, in however long it takes to achieve his mission. His vision makes sure of that.




Okay, I’m not doing a recap or analogy of the movie. I just want us to wrap our heads around that word, motive- the reason(s) why we do the things we do. Sometimes, we do certain things out of reflex and cannot really explain why we did it. We just feel it’s the normal or right thingy to do, our gut tells us so. It may turn out to be for our good or we just may end up shooting ourselves in the leg. Either ways, we are responsible for our actions and decisions and so I believe that it’s very expedient that we are careful to look before we leap, as the old saying goes; whoever came up with that was genius! Perhaps the LOOK should be in blocks, italicized and underlined to give it its full credence. It means, shine your eyes, well well! So let’s get back to motives, ‘why do I do the things I do/ why do I want to do this?’ Do we pause to take this quiz before we act? This homework might save us some wrong moves if we devote time to it. Understanding is vital, key. ‘Wisdom is principal, but in all thy getting, get understanding’.



When it comes to choosing a partner, we all have a picture of the ‘ideal’ person we want. Mr. /Missy Right. We make a whole list of the diehard and wavy virtues. Now, here comes this person who has say 70-80% of what we want but when we really look at it, the vital part is missing. So, what should we do? Give it a try and hope we can get the person to change and be who we want them to be or just let it go and hope the next one would have those core qualities? Someone once said that I am too picky and choosy and all I have to do is find a guy who really loves me and I can make him to be who I want. It was stunning and unsettling to know that this kind of belief system exists. I have met guys that I really liked and would have wanted to start a relationship with but some vitals were just not in place and they were non negotiables. I admit, I did toy with the idea of the possibility of inculcating those vitals in them, no, scratch that, I tried but the whole experience was frustrating and emotionally draining, not at all worth it.



I don’t know where we get the impression that we can ‘change’ a man from. I think it might be easier to take a bull by its horns than change a man, especially if he is fully grown and set in his ways. Who is man to think he has the power to change his fellow being? Sweetie, we can only try, but if homeboy doesn’t see the light, he aint gonna be different. Change is more than just a switch, it is divine; it takes willingness, work, courage and discipline but most of all, a higher power to make a change because it is easier to stay in our comfort zone, at least we are sure of what that holds for us. How many times have we tried to stop or overcome a bad destructive habit but still find ourselves entangled in its web, chained down and unable to break free?



Moe meets Max, Moe is sold out to God, Max isn’t really that much into God but he has all the other qualities Moe desires in a man; handsome, dashing, caring, intelligent, polished, interesting, kind, generous and thoughtful- Max personified. So, Moe’s brain calculator comes on and she’s trying to do the math on how she can get Max to get serious with God, so they can get it going on. Bingo! I know. I would, ‘let my light so shine before Max that he might see he needs Jesus and come running unto Him’. Sounds like a plan, but to do that she had to be close to him, you see proximity brings about influence and that’s why we should watch those we allow come close to us; dating him seemed the only way. So, Moe sets about her missionary work, on a mission to spread the gospel which seems like the right thing to do. What Moe forgot to consider was that she had developed feelings for Max and her emotions were already running riot. Need I say her vision was beclouded? Well, Max saw that the only way he had a shot with Moe was to become a Jesus freak and he said to himself, ‘I can do that, as long as it gets me to the ‘promised land’. So, Max fakes it, uses Moe and dumps her. Where did she go wrong? She was only carrying out ‘The Great Commission’, or not.



Can we get real? Ok! I know He said, ‘go ye into the world and spread the gospel’ but I believe He also said, ‘wisdom is profitable unto man to direct’. Maybe Moe should have introduced Max to Brother Paul and she just may have seen how authentic Max was. Do not get me wrong. I am not saying we do not have the power of influence to make a person want to be different, but that’s all we gat. The actual change is up to that person. If the need and willingness to make a change isn’t there, we might just as well be wasting our time. Missionary dating is not a smart move because most times, emotions get in the way and because the other person sees how much we need them to be what they are not, they do what they gotta do to get what they want, whether genuine or not. Most times, there always is a casualty, some fingers get burnt. I think it’s high time we learn to first of all accept people for who they really are without pressurizing them to conform to who we want them to be. I am not saying people cannot change, change is definitely not overrated and I am a living witness to that, but my point is let him/her make that change willingly, don’t force it.



We all have our thresholds and what we can tolerate. This is what I think we should do, ask you, ‘can I cope with this person the way he/she is?’ We don’t have to like everything about the person but the weaknesses and missing vitals, if we were to start a relationship, can we cope with and without them? Can I accept this person for who he/she is right now?

We should also understand that I don’t mean refining and all, sometimes, we are in our raw potential state and it takes some people to bring out the gold in us, our relationships should rub off on us and make us better people. I’m talking about our desire to want to mold that guy/gal into our Mr./ Missy right when they obviously are not.



‘Who is he that sets out to build a house but does not first consider its cost?’ Bring the balance out. Weigh it. Strengths vs Weaknesses, reality check now. Can I handle those weaknesses, overlook and accept them? Perhaps yours may not seem like a missionary thingy, but that chic whom you have your eyes on and is so set and fine but cannot cook jack and you know you don’t play with your stomach; is it going to be an issue or you can overlook it, you berra ask somebody.



One of the best things about humans is our ability to change and transform into entirely new beings, a beautiful gift, very powerful phenomenon but it takes a whole lot to make it happen. I believe in sharing knowledge and what I believe to be right hoping someone would see the light and take a stand, but I’m not on a mission to save the world, I think Jesus already had that one covered. We can only try but where matters of the heart is concerned, it might be in our best interest to just talk the talk and hand it over The One who can make the change happen.



Much love.

Let him do the chase!

My phone beeps and I feel like I’m about to see a movie; this is because my message tone is the 20th Century Fox track, you know that one you hear just before the movie starts. Well, it got me thinking about the 20th century and all that has come with it; technology, modernization, information, communication, health, energy, family, fashion, education- wise. The jet age, life made easy. I think about the times when we had to go to NITEL to make international calls and now I just sit in my room and call my peeps miles away, times when it took about 3-4 days to register for a new school session, now all I have to do is go online and I’m done in a couple of hours. Innovation, development, growth, enlightenment-all the goodies the 20th century ushered in.




Well, naturally, the 20th century and relationships crossed my mind; how they used to do it ‘back in them days’ and how we roll now. The era of arranged marriages, where the groom doesn’t meet his bride until their wedding; the ‘good’ old days when a woman’s honor had to be proved by a certain red flag; the times when the man goes to work and the woman handles the home front, don’t you just love the 20th century? I mean nowadays, no one really cares if he marries a virgin or not, it’s no more a criteria to prove a woman is honorable, or is it? And a woman has equal right and say in the home because she makes the paper too and has it going on, yeah? Plus, a dude and chic can totally hook up randomly, thank God for facebook, the best ‘hook–up tool’ ever! Hmmmn.



This 20th century thingy has given many a parent white hair before their time, especially if they have to deal with teenagers; poor momma screaming to tear her son off play station to help out a little and pops going bananas when he walks in and finds ‘little’ Lucy making out with her boyfy. ‘Lighten up dad, we were JUST making out’. He he, now pops really gonna blow.



Ok, now don’t me wrong, I ain’t against the 20th century, I completely root for it; go jet age! Whoo! It’s done more good for me than harm, more pros than cons, however, my concern lies with the principles and values we allow to slip away while we blame it on the 20th century; the morals. Did the advent of the 20th century steal our ability to do things right?



My peeps and I were having girl talk awhile ago and someone shared about a person she knew who was madly, head over heels, going bananas in love with this guy, but he wasn’t making a move…..ooh ohh. So what should girlfriend do? Did I hear you say go after the guy? Ask him out? Well, that’s what she did! She made the first move. Told the guy she was feeling him and all that and they got it going on. He would come to her room, spend time with her, she would cook for him and shower him with care and attention. Then, dude calls her one day and asks for a break up and a week after that, he’s seeing another girl. Should I tell you what was learnt from the snoop? Boy didn’t really like the girl, sure he found her attractive but he wasn’t really into her and that’s why he didn’t make a move but when missy couldn’t hold out any more, and ‘toasted’ him, he was flattered and since he wasn’t hooked at that time, what could it hurt? So, he agreed, to buy time till he found the one he was looking for, and when he did, he bounced. That’s not all, the snoop also revealed from a reliable source that he said and I paraphrase, ‘I really do not appreciate a woman coming after me, if I want her, I want to do the chase’. This guy fall my hand o. Callous isn’t he?

Now, before we get all judgmental, I really wouldn’t blame the dude. I’m not saying he was right but I wouldn’t put it all on him, Missy should have listened to mama. Oh yeah. When mama said, go to school, read your books and become responsible and made then boys would follow, mama knew what she was about. I’m not anti dating in school, nah, that’s not what I mean; I’m up about the fact that it is a man’s GOD ordained position and calling to DO THE CHASE! You heard ladies! So, you think it’s cool to ask a guy out? I really should do a status check about that pretty soon, so my girls would know what guys really think.



A man knows and wants what he wants! It is in a man’s nature to conquer. It gives him a helluva of satisfaction to run after something and get it; it’s like winning a lottery. He’s proud of himself and he cherishes his ‘loot’ like crazy, that’s why they don’t give up easily. Now, here you come wanting to suck the joy and accomplishment out of that. Even if a guy likes you and intends to ask you out and you go ahead to make the first move, sweetheart, he might act thrilled, tripped and all, but he ain’t really cool with it, trust me. If a guy really wants you, he would come after you. That he hasn’t right now even when all the signs that he loves you are there tells you he’s thinking ‘the investment’ over; he wants to be sure you would be the right move and a worthwhile chase and if he doesn’t come after you, he’s just not that into you honey, period.



I wish a lot of ladies would save themselves heartbreaks and heartaches by letting some certain things take the natural course, even the bible says ‘He that findeth a wife…..’ That tells you, he does the finding; you just position yourself such that you would be found. Do what you gotta do to be found. A perfect example of this is Ruth in the bible. Now, we all have different analogies of this story, but I pondered on it and I realized that Ruth did not woo/chase Boaz, I don’t think she did. I think she merely positioned herself to be found. Now check, Boaz was already checking Ruth out and doing things to make her know he could take care of her, but he didn’t make a move because he wasn’t in the right position to and wasn’t sure how it would be taken. Ruth wasn’t even thinking about Boaz in that way but smart and matchmaking mother Naomi saw prospects and awoke Ruth from her slumber and taught her how to POSITION herself. Naomi did not teach Ruth to ask Boaz out. So, when Ruth handled her business, Boaz did the right thing and married her honorably.



Ladies, all we gotta do is know how to handle our business. If that guy you are ‘dying’ for is not noticing you, perhaps it’s because you don’t have what he is looking for. Work on yourself, get a life! Get busy; add value to yourself and the people around you. Be filled with genuine love and spread it. Show him all the good qualities you got without being unnecessarily suggestive. Let this not be said at the end of it all, ‘I didn’t really want this, you forced the relationship’, yeah, I’ve heard that before. Let it be glaring, without reasonable doubt that he sought you out and asked for you, make him work for it baby, you’re too loaded to come across as cheap. Protect your respect and self esteem; save yourself from humiliation and heartbreak, like my friend’s friend should have done. Don’t give his friends something to laugh about. I’m not saying play hard to get, that’s not good, what I’m saying is, let him do the asking. If he wants you, he’ll come after you, shy or not. For real. If a guy is too shy to chase the woman of his dreams, then you probably should think twice about that guy sweetie, put that radar on big time, he’s probably like that with some other vital things. It’s ok to like a guy and position yourself to let him know you are available, but puhhhleeeze, do not ask him out. Call me old fashioned or whatever, I’ve heard and seen enough to know that ‘the gospel according to ladies asking guys out’ just don’t pay! Ladies, just get busy doing your thing; sit pretty and let him work for it, let him DO THE CHASE!



P.s – This is just my honest opinion and isn’t necessarily ‘the standard’ it is subject to any counter argument. So, please, let me learn from you.





Much love.

YA-KA-TA!!!

I marvel at the way God sometimes gets through to us. May I just say that it ain’t until we hear a still small voice that God has spoken; He is too diverse to be boxed into that.


The way I was inspired to write this note is a little funny, though I wasn’t laughing then. I was in my room, PHCN as usual living up to their name ‘held’ the power supply. I had switched off my lamp as I was about to leave the room. I knew the way out, had passed that way uncountable times but I was still trying to get some little light from my phone when all of a sudden I found myself on the floor! My feet had hooked the bed and I came crashing hard on the floor, of course my poor phone joined me too. Thankfully, we made it up with minor bruises and no broken bones, but while I was yet still on the floor, trying to figure out what had just happened, from ‘nowhere’ came a clear thought, ‘this is what happens when you are detached from your power source and you try to walk without His light, you grope, stumble, and eventually fall’ Then the words started flowing and I realized it wasn’t ‘nowhere’.

‘Let he who is standing take heed lest he falls’ Even as we grow in our walk with Christ and get to overcome our weaknesses and strongholds progressively, no matter how old in Christ we are, if we do not take heed, we may and probably will fall. We cannot begin to qualify nor quantify the discovery that light brings. The advent of electricity revolutionized the world for good. When the Word enters us, it brings light (we see what we were other wisely blind to) and understanding comes to us. When you enter a mall stocked with loads of goods, if the mall is unlit and dark, you wouldn’t realize the ‘treasure’ in that place until light is brought to make you see what you might have missed.

A lot of us may not understand ourselves right now because we have not allowed God’s light in us. ‘I am the way, the truth, the LIGHT, no one comes to the Father except through me’ Jesus said that. He is God’s light. Have we allowed Him uninterrupted power supply in us, or we choose to operate like PHCN although in this case we are the ones who ‘switch off’ and disconnect ourselves from His constant and never failing supply? James 1:5, a version says if we do not know what to do, we should ask Him and He would gladly, ungrudgingly show us. ‘And you would hear a voice that says this is the way, walk in it’.

His light is constant for us to see, get wisdom, understanding and be ordered right, only if we decide to use it. A man in a ‘totally dark room’ cannot see his left from his right, doesn’t even know where he is standing and hence will be very confused and unfruitful. A man in a ‘partially dark room’ may see only to an extent and he would need to move slowly and grope to feel things lest he stumble and fall, but a man in a ‘brightly illuminated room’ has a very clear vision, he can see where everything is placed and has free, full and unrestricted movements. When we dwell in Him, we are like the man in the brightly illuminated room, our vision is sharp. He causes us to see beyond the normal and natural and we experience liberty to live to our fullness. When we let his light shine in and through our lives, it witnesses to people, they observe (notice and attracts) and bring glory to the Father (Matt 5:16).

No matter how long we have stayed in the light, once it is cut off, darkness sets in and we begin to lose our vision, become stagnant or restricted, stumble and invariably fall. I don’t know about you but I like ‘light’ and all it does for me and I have decided to stay connected to an uninterrupted source of light that my flow might be constant. That’s the only sure way. I am tired of the devil stealing from me, he likes to put believers in the dark, and while they are busy groping and trying to find their way, he’s stealing, killing and destroying, and they don’t even know it! Stealing ideas, stealing blessings, killing dreams, destroying destinies. Wouldn’t you agree it pays to have light?

How do we come to light? Jesus brings the light. He is our link. If you are confused, discouraged, stagnant and unprogressive, choked and boxed, tired and weary, oppressed and you feel like giving up, I suggest you don’t. I recommend The Light, Jesus to you. Even when you are not sure about you, because you are connected to the right source, an uninterrupted source you can depend on, you can cast your worries and trust Him to lead you. All things work for your good when you love God and are called (walk) according to His purpose. What would He have you do? Deut 10:12-13, no sacrifice, no heavy payments, just fear Him, walk in His ways, love Him, serve Him, obey Him and it will be well with you.

The Light causes you to see clearly, brings a sharp vision. Dr. Myles Munroe said, ‘without vision, a man has no leading’. I say WORD! Sometimes, a vision could mean understanding, which we know His Word is famous for. If things seem hazy right now, maybe you need to check if you are still connected to the source and if you are still connected, please stay connected, lest you fall down ya-ka-ta like I did while trying to leave the room (laughing).

Much love.