Thursday, October 28, 2010

Missionary Dating: Dating with a mission?

MOTIVES; I remember that movie, do you? Shemar Moore was such a douche, thought he had it going on smooth and all, living the life and just throwing his weight around; wanting to eat his cake and have it (seriously, we all need to let it sink in that the moment we pop that ‘cake’ in, we say bye- bye). His childhood friend was a man on a mission; with a vision. You see, that sort of man is relentless and sometimes dangerous because he would do whatever it takes, in however long it takes to achieve his mission. His vision makes sure of that.

Okay, I’m not doing a recap or analogy of the movie. I just want us to wrap our heads around that word, motive- the reason(s) why we do the things we do. Sometimes, we do certain things out of reflex and cannot really explain why we did it. We just feel it’s the normal or right thingy to do, our gut tells us so. It may turn out to be for our good or we just may end up shooting ourselves in the leg. Either ways, we are responsible for our actions and decisions and so I believe that it’s very expedient that we are careful to look before we leap, as the old saying goes; whoever came up with that was genius! Perhaps the LOOK should be in blocks, italicized and underlined to give it its full credence. It means, shine your eyes, well well! So let’s get back to motives, ‘why do I do the things I do/ why do I want to do this?’ Do we pause to take this quiz before we act? This homework might save us some wrong moves if we devote time to it. Understanding is vital, key. ‘Wisdom is principal, but in all thy getting, get understanding’.

When it comes to choosing a partner, we all have a picture of the ‘ideal’ person we want. Mr. /Missy Right. We make a whole list of the diehard and wavy virtues. Now, here comes this person who has say 70-80% of what we want but when we really look at it, the vital part is missing. So, what should we do? Give it a try and hope we can get the person to change and be who we want them to be or just let it go and hope the next one would have those core qualities? Someone once said that I am too picky and choosy and all I have to do is find a guy who really loves me and I can make him to be who I want. It was stunning and unsettling to know that this kind of belief system exists. I have met guys that I really liked and would have wanted to start a relationship with but some vitals were just not in place and they were non negotiables. I admit, I did toy with the idea of the possibility of inculcating those vitals in them, no, scratch that, I tried but the whole experience was frustrating and emotionally draining, not at all worth it.

I don’t know where we get the impression that we can ‘change’ a man from. I think it might be easier to take a bull by its horns than change a man, especially if he is fully grown and set in his ways. Who is man to think he has the power to change his fellow being? Sweetie, we can only try, but if homeboy doesn’t see the light, he aint gonna be different. Change is more than just a switch, it is divine; it takes willingness, work, courage and discipline but most of all, a higher power to make a change because it is easier to stay in our comfort zone, at least we are sure of what that holds for us. How many times have we tried to stop or overcome a bad destructive habit but still find ourselves entangled in its web, chained down and unable to break free?

Moe meets Max, Moe is sold out to God, Max isn’t really that much into God but he has all the other qualities Moe desires in a man; handsome, dashing, caring, intelligent, polished, interesting, kind, generous and thoughtful- Max personified. So, Moe’s brain calculator comes on and she’s trying to do the math on how she can get Max to get serious with God, so they can get it going on. Bingo! I know. I would, ‘let my light so shine before Max that he might see he needs Jesus and come running unto Him’. Sounds like a plan, but to do that she had to be close to him, you see proximity brings about influence and that’s why we should watch those we allow come close to us; dating him seemed the only way. So, Moe sets about her missionary work, on a mission to spread the gospel which seems like the right thing to do. What Moe forgot to consider was that she had developed feelings for Max and her emotions were already running riot. Need I say her vision was beclouded? Well, Max saw that the only way he had a shot with Moe was to become a Jesus freak and he said to himself, ‘I can do that, as long as it gets me to the ‘promised land’. So, Max fakes it, uses Moe and dumps her. Where did she go wrong? She was only carrying out ‘The Great Commission’, or not.

Can we get real? Ok! I know He said, ‘go ye into the world and spread the gospel’ but I believe He also said, ‘wisdom is profitable unto man to direct’. Maybe Moe should have introduced Max to Brother Paul and she just may have seen how authentic Max was. Do not get me wrong. I am not saying we do not have the power of influence to make a person want to be different, but that’s all we gat. The actual change is up to that person. If the need and willingness to make a change isn’t there, we might just as well be wasting our time. Missionary dating is not a smart move because most times, emotions get in the way and because the other person sees how much we need them to be what they are not, they do what they gotta do to get what they want, whether genuine or not. Most times, there always is a casualty, some fingers get burnt. I think it’s high time we learn to first of all accept people for who they really are without pressurizing them to conform to who we want them to be. I am not saying people cannot change, change is definitely not overrated and I am a living witness to that, but my point is let him/her make that change willingly, don’t force it.

We all have our thresholds and what we can tolerate. This is what I think we should do, ask you, ‘can I cope with this person the way he/she is?’ We don’t have to like everything about the person but the weaknesses and missing vitals, if we were to start a relationship, can we cope with and without them? Can I accept this person for who he/she is right now?

We should also understand that I don’t mean refining and all, sometimes, we are in our raw potential state and it takes some people to bring out the gold in us, our relationships should rub off on us and make us better people. I’m talking about our desire to want to mold that guy/gal into our Mr./ Missy right when they obviously are not.

‘Who is he that sets out to build a house but does not first consider its cost?’ Bring the balance out. Weigh it. Strengths vs Weaknesses, reality check now. Can I handle those weaknesses, overlook and accept them? Perhaps yours may not seem like a missionary thingy, but that chic whom you have your eyes on and is so set and fine but cannot cook jack and you know you don’t play with your stomach; is it going to be an issue or you can overlook it, you berra ask somebody.

One of the best things about humans is our ability to change and transform into entirely new beings, a beautiful gift, very powerful phenomenon but it takes a whole lot to make it happen. I believe in sharing knowledge and what I believe to be right hoping someone would see the light and take a stand, but I’m not on a mission to save the world, I think Jesus already had that one covered. We can only try but where matters of the heart is concerned, it might be in our best interest to just talk the talk and hand it over The One who can make the change happen.

Much love.

Let him do the chase!

My phone beeps and I feel like I’m about to see a movie; this is because my message tone is the 20th Century Fox track, you know that one you hear just before the movie starts. Well, it got me thinking about the 20th century and all that has come with it; technology, modernization, information, communication, health, energy, family, fashion, education- wise. The jet age, life made easy. I think about the times when we had to go to NITEL to make international calls and now I just sit in my room and call my peeps miles away, times when it took about 3-4 days to register for a new school session, now all I have to do is go online and I’m done in a couple of hours. Innovation, development, growth, enlightenment-all the goodies the 20th century ushered in.

Well, naturally, the 20th century and relationships crossed my mind; how they used to do it ‘back in them days’ and how we roll now. The era of arranged marriages, where the groom doesn’t meet his bride until their wedding; the ‘good’ old days when a woman’s honor had to be proved by a certain red flag; the times when the man goes to work and the woman handles the home front, don’t you just love the 20th century? I mean nowadays, no one really cares if he marries a virgin or not, it’s no more a criteria to prove a woman is honorable, or is it? And a woman has equal right and say in the home because she makes the paper too and has it going on, yeah? Plus, a dude and chic can totally hook up randomly, thank God for facebook, the best ‘hook–up tool’ ever! Hmmmn.

This 20th century thingy has given many a parent white hair before their time, especially if they have to deal with teenagers; poor momma screaming to tear her son off play station to help out a little and pops going bananas when he walks in and finds ‘little’ Lucy making out with her boyfy. ‘Lighten up dad, we were JUST making out’. He he, now pops really gonna blow.

Ok, now don’t me wrong, I ain’t against the 20th century, I completely root for it; go jet age! Whoo! It’s done more good for me than harm, more pros than cons, however, my concern lies with the principles and values we allow to slip away while we blame it on the 20th century; the morals. Did the advent of the 20th century steal our ability to do things right?

My peeps and I were having girl talk awhile ago and someone shared about a person she knew who was madly, head over heels, going bananas in love with this guy, but he wasn’t making a move…..ooh ohh. So what should girlfriend do? Did I hear you say go after the guy? Ask him out? Well, that’s what she did! She made the first move. Told the guy she was feeling him and all that and they got it going on. He would come to her room, spend time with her, she would cook for him and shower him with care and attention. Then, dude calls her one day and asks for a break up and a week after that, he’s seeing another girl. Should I tell you what was learnt from the snoop? Boy didn’t really like the girl, sure he found her attractive but he wasn’t really into her and that’s why he didn’t make a move but when missy couldn’t hold out any more, and ‘toasted’ him, he was flattered and since he wasn’t hooked at that time, what could it hurt? So, he agreed, to buy time till he found the one he was looking for, and when he did, he bounced. That’s not all, the snoop also revealed from a reliable source that he said and I paraphrase, ‘I really do not appreciate a woman coming after me, if I want her, I want to do the chase’. This guy fall my hand o. Callous isn’t he?

Now, before we get all judgmental, I really wouldn’t blame the dude. I’m not saying he was right but I wouldn’t put it all on him, Missy should have listened to mama. Oh yeah. When mama said, go to school, read your books and become responsible and made then boys would follow, mama knew what she was about. I’m not anti dating in school, nah, that’s not what I mean; I’m up about the fact that it is a man’s GOD ordained position and calling to DO THE CHASE! You heard ladies! So, you think it’s cool to ask a guy out? I really should do a status check about that pretty soon, so my girls would know what guys really think.

A man knows and wants what he wants! It is in a man’s nature to conquer. It gives him a helluva of satisfaction to run after something and get it; it’s like winning a lottery. He’s proud of himself and he cherishes his ‘loot’ like crazy, that’s why they don’t give up easily. Now, here you come wanting to suck the joy and accomplishment out of that. Even if a guy likes you and intends to ask you out and you go ahead to make the first move, sweetheart, he might act thrilled, tripped and all, but he ain’t really cool with it, trust me. If a guy really wants you, he would come after you. That he hasn’t right now even when all the signs that he loves you are there tells you he’s thinking ‘the investment’ over; he wants to be sure you would be the right move and a worthwhile chase and if he doesn’t come after you, he’s just not that into you honey, period.

I wish a lot of ladies would save themselves heartbreaks and heartaches by letting some certain things take the natural course, even the bible says ‘He that findeth a wife…..’ That tells you, he does the finding; you just position yourself such that you would be found. Do what you gotta do to be found. A perfect example of this is Ruth in the bible. Now, we all have different analogies of this story, but I pondered on it and I realized that Ruth did not woo/chase Boaz, I don’t think she did. I think she merely positioned herself to be found. Now check, Boaz was already checking Ruth out and doing things to make her know he could take care of her, but he didn’t make a move because he wasn’t in the right position to and wasn’t sure how it would be taken. Ruth wasn’t even thinking about Boaz in that way but smart and matchmaking mother Naomi saw prospects and awoke Ruth from her slumber and taught her how to POSITION herself. Naomi did not teach Ruth to ask Boaz out. So, when Ruth handled her business, Boaz did the right thing and married her honorably.

Ladies, all we gotta do is know how to handle our business. If that guy you are ‘dying’ for is not noticing you, perhaps it’s because you don’t have what he is looking for. Work on yourself, get a life! Get busy; add value to yourself and the people around you. Be filled with genuine love and spread it. Show him all the good qualities you got without being unnecessarily suggestive. Let this not be said at the end of it all, ‘I didn’t really want this, you forced the relationship’, yeah, I’ve heard that before. Let it be glaring, without reasonable doubt that he sought you out and asked for you, make him work for it baby, you’re too loaded to come across as cheap. Protect your respect and self esteem; save yourself from humiliation and heartbreak, like my friend’s friend should have done. Don’t give his friends something to laugh about. I’m not saying play hard to get, that’s not good, what I’m saying is, let him do the asking. If he wants you, he’ll come after you, shy or not. For real. If a guy is too shy to chase the woman of his dreams, then you probably should think twice about that guy sweetie, put that radar on big time, he’s probably like that with some other vital things. It’s ok to like a guy and position yourself to let him know you are available, but puhhhleeeze, do not ask him out. Call me old fashioned or whatever, I’ve heard and seen enough to know that ‘the gospel according to ladies asking guys out’ just don’t pay! Ladies, just get busy doing your thing; sit pretty and let him work for it, let him DO THE CHASE!

P.s – This is just my honest opinion and isn’t necessarily ‘the standard’ it is subject to any counter argument. So, please, let me learn from you.

Much love.
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