Tuesday, August 17, 2010
There are many ingredients I have come to discover needed to make a tantalizing relationship work. Love, care, attention, devotion, giving, understanding, trust, sacrifice, commitment, selflessness, communication. All these ‘spices’ need to be added in the right quantities, based on the dish(persons) you are dealing with. Some people don’t ask for too much, they don’t like ‘spicy chicken’ they just need your love, commitment and trust, while some others are big on the ‘12- flavored ice cream’, they gotta have it all, your everything! The demands each person places on his/her partner vary from person to person. I have come to discover though that of all these ‘ingredients’, they are die hard ones which you cannot do without, they are like salt is to white rice, without them your relationship is tasteless, worthless n headed straight for the rock, or dust bin.
Communication my beloved pastor Bimm loved to say is the live wire of any relationship. Now, communication goes past just talking and having a conversation with someone, that could be blabbing and just doing some mouth exercise most of the time. Communication is only successful when you have a FEEDBACK i.e. when the purpose for which you have spoken is achieved or when an instruction you have passed along is carried out, then you can say you reached out and have successfully exchanged information and ideas. Communication is a willful thing, it’s something we choose to do or not, if one party is not given to communicating, then the exercise cannot be carried out, it involves the consent of two parties. One has to be willing to let go of the information he/she is withholding while the other has to be ready to LISTEN and PROCESS what the other person is trying to pass across.
It is also important to ask questions and make observations to avoid misconceptions or misconstrue things. It happens that in trying to pass the ideas/thoughts in our minds to our target, certain vital details could be lost or be ambiguous and therefore interpreted in a different way from the original idea, but when questions and observations are made, the initiator of the information download would know if he/she has reached his audience successfully or not.
Communication also isn’t just about words, matter of fact a person might not be talking to me but he is speaking volumes by his silence and of course redefining himself/herself to my perceptions, whether true or false the sad part is they wouldn’t know. Someone once told me I
have a tendency to nag and I had to educate the person on the difference between having a healthy conversation and harping on issues. You see, when someone hits me in a raw place, I like to iron it out with the person, and perhaps it was not intentional. I like the person to know this is what they have done wrong in a drama free and peaceful way and then I watch the response, that person’s feedback would determine my next action. Friends cannot be real with each other if they cannot say, ‘oh, you just hurt me now, why did you do that?’ A friend who keeps sweeping it under the carpet, pretending like nothing has happened, check it is soon to burst from resentment or emotional drain. Each time we go wrong, God finds a way to convict us, provided our conscience’s still intact!
The absence of communication in any relationship at all is the beginning of its death. I once argued that people could be tight friends without talking or communicating for days and months as I have friends like that but then I got to understand that in those times of silence, the relationship was dying or was dead and only resurrected when the life saver of communication was thrown into it. My emphasis though is the refusal of couples to talk about some things and iron issues out. Phrases like, ‘what more do you have to say?’ ‘I’d rather not talk about it’ ‘its best not discussed’ ‘let’s pretend it didn’t happen’ ‘I know what you are gonna say’ ‘I am NOT going to talk about this’. Sound familiar? All very selfish! You might as well be saying, ‘I have it all figured out and your opinion doesn’t really matter’ or ‘I’m closing up to all that has happened and I really don’t care if you take a hike’. Period!
How on earth do we think our relationships can work and grow if we don’t communicate? Our relationship with God is by communication. We relate with Him in communication and I’m sure we know it’s not all about ranting and offering petitions or supplications, we also need to get a feedback from God and that’s how we know His will. We talk to Him and we listen to Him talk to us.
Now, who’s wondering why things are not the way they used to be? How a ‘perfect love’ goes wrong?
The moment you allow communication slip out of your relationship, you are as well snuffing the life out of it. You come back home or get to see each other, you don’t catch up on how both your days went, important information that should be shared, issues that should be addressed and ironed out, actions that need to be taken and you wonder how trust became an issue and why she is no longer committed to you like she used to be? Beep, Beep, put your radar on and do a check!
You just might need to do a lil communication sprinkling to keep it real. Ok?
P.S- I apologise to my beloved peeps and blog followers for the 'break in the flows' the fountain was giving, the ink just wasn't into it, a lotta stuff was holding it but its back now. Cheers!