Bode and Solape had been together
for three years when he asked her to marry him. Oh, how happy Solape was,
especially when she stared at the beautiful rock that donned the middle finger
of her left hand. Plans were falling into place and they both were excited
about their future together. Up until Bode told Solape about his own personal
plans for her; she would have to resign from her firm so she could concentrate
on being an effective wife to him and mother to their children. Bode never
really liked Solape wearing make-up or hair extensions and if they were getting
married, she had to throw out her make-up box and wear her hair natural. He
also told her about his preference for skirts and dresses, he never really
thought trousers were an appropriate clothing choice for women. Apparently,
Solape was overweight too, thus she needed to hit the gym every day and quit
all the sweets and chocolates she loved to munch on. What’s more, she had to do
this before they got married or he would have to break their engagement.
Then Solape began to remember
all the subtle snide remarks he had made about her hair and make-up, how when
she asked him how she looked, he would just give a passing compliment. How when
she complained about the demands of her job, he would smile and tell her she
only had to endure for a little while. I
guess Bode thought since he had given Solape a ring, he had earned a god-given
right to also run her life. See, some people be thinking that being in a
relationship or marriage gives them the license to become Jesus, they forget
those shoes are just too huge to fill.
There is a MARKED difference
between manipulation and influence; whilst the former is coerced and evil, the
latter is genuine and productive. I think it is plain arrogant to think we can
change other people; how well have we even changed ourselves? If you would be
honest, you would own up to the many times you have been frustrated simply
because you have tried so hard to change certain things about yourself to no
avail. Those bad habits, addictions, bad behavior, I can’t count how many times
I made resolutions that I didn’t honour or how self-talk only got me thus far.
It takes a higher power to cause real and lasting change, that kind of
transformation that is too good to be true.
We often tend to forget an
important element in transformation; the willingness of the individual.
Willingness cannot be obtained from manipulation or ultimatums but from a
genuine realization of the need for change and a deep hunger to leave the
status quo. However, willingness though important is only the starting point.
Change is such a beautiful
gift; it is indeed a blessing that we can live better lives when we make a
decision to do/be different. Just imagine what living would be like if we all
had to stay the same, unable to do anything to alter our situations,
frustrating doesn’t even begin to describe it. Truly, the awareness of such an
opportunity provides the motivation I need to get out of bed on some mornings
as I draw strength from the endless possibilities in the horizon.
The problem with trying to
change people though is that it is most times selfish. We can argue and try to
rationalize how noble our intentions are but the reality is that we have a
preferred stereotype for the other party and they don’t look like it. So we
nag, we prod, we push, we threaten, we cajole, we manipulate, we demand, we
blackmail, we do all sorts just to get that person to give up who they are for
who we want them to be. Then we begin to wonder why there is resentment, why
they avoid us, why they clam up when we are around, why the sparkle seems to
have dimmed from their eyes and why they seem to be more stubborn than they
were.
Perhaps, if we remembered that
we didn’t create humans, we might also recognize that we have no right to tell
them who/what to be. Some would even say, ‘if you really love me, you would do
what I ask’. Now, that is a warped definition of love as 1 Corinthians 13: 5 says,
‘love does not demand its own way and it is not irritable’.
I do get that sometimes, we
have genuine concern for people who are making poor choices. One of the
benefits of our relationships is in our ability to influence people and have
positive impact on them. Indeed, it is a great testimony that people learn to
live better lives after they meet us but we don’t achieve that by being
forceful or manipulative. Influence does not erode the other person’s will; it
educates it to consider a different choice.
What if we just learnt to
accept people for who they are without pressuring them to be different? What if
we just decided what we couldn’t cope with and did the other person a favour by
pursuing the kind we really want? What if we just loved people by not trying to
control them?
The best way to elicit change
from other people is not to concentrate on them but on you. You have heard that
saying, ‘Be the change you want to see’, it’s not overrated at all. Let your
light so shine that they yearn to have what you got going on. Try to adapt, make
some changes in yourself and watch how the other person responds. More often
than not, changing one’s self is a seed sown to reap changes in others but
remember, to have true and lasting change, you need more than your will power.
If there is anything thing I
have learnt, it is that the only person I can control is myself and truly, the
only person I need to control is myself.
© Mo’ Omoregee 2014
