Caution:
This is a very opinionated post. What I’m gonna be sharing here is my opinion, it’s
not the law neither is it what is universally acceptable but it is what I
consider right. Let’s see if you agree with my reasoning. If you disagree, be
free to share your view and perhaps we can learn one or two things.
It
is often said that a man’s meat could be the other’s poison. That saying spells
the diversified interest of humans. I always say that if God had created
everyone the same way with the same interests, reasoning and approach to
issues, oh, what boredom we would have to live with. The entire population that
spans the earth cuts across different nations, tribes, belief systems, cultures,
languages and habits that all contribute to the beauty of existence. It’s
interesting how siblings can grow up with the same measure of instructions,
teachings and discipline and still turn out differently with totally different
personalities. I mean when I am going on and on about the newest animated movie,
my sister just stares at me like I have suddenly grown horns.
When
we make choices, sometimes they are poor, perhaps because we didn't know better
and immaturity was at play or we allowed sentiments and emotions get ahead and
threw reasoning to the back seat. The average human being has made poor choices
at one point in life, a poor choice in friends, a poor career choice, poor
institution choice, poor house choice. It is comforting to know that some of
these choices can be rectified but a poor spousal choice can be the beginning
of the end. Little wonder so much is being said about how important it is to
choose right and choose well when it comes to a marital partner. Our choices
and decisions in life can either make or mar not just the future but everything
we have worked for.
So,
you meet someone and decide to date/court…..along the way, you discover some
issues that present incompatibility, perhaps you alone can see those issues,
perhaps its mutual. Any hoo, the relationship ends and you go your separate
ways, having moved on to other people or maybe not. Fast forward a year or two,
a very good friend of yours wants you to meet his/her intended and it turns out
to be your Ex. Then comes this feeling of betrayal, because you feel your
friend who knew your history with this person shouldn't have gone ahead with
the relationship and even if they didn't know you dated your Ex at a point, you
just cannot be happy for them, just because……?
This
issue has caused a lot of rifts and cracks in beautiful friendships so much
that I need to talk about it because I just don’t get it; maybe someone can explain
it to me? Is it the level of familiarity that makes it unacceptable or perhaps
because you have shared a lot of secrets with this friend? Or is it because of
the circumstances that led to the break up and the fact that it wasn't you who
ended it? Could it be that you have some regrets and wishful thinking, still
hanging on and cannot let go? Really, I want to understand why it feels so much
like back stabbing when a friend gets involved with an ex, and this is
especially common with ladies. Why does it feel like you still own an Ex and
nobody in your network is allowed to have access to him/her?
I
sought the opinions of a couple of friends on this dicey topic and the
disparity was quite interesting. While some would feel a great sense of
betrayal if a friend dated their ex, some others just couldn't be bothered,
matter of fact, a couple have been known to introduce close friends to their ex
because they felt they would be compatible. Some wouldn't feel uncomfortable
about it if they have moved on to other relationships while some outrageously
think it is ungodly for a friend to date their ex (I think God is amused, no?)
Am
I wrong to say maturity is a factor here? Isn't it petty and somewhat arrogant
to try to control who your friend can date/court? Is it perhaps a mistake your
Ex met you before your friend and just because they couldn't be happy with you,
they have no chance with your friend? I think we need to get ‘born again’ in
our thinking and leave emotions and sentiments behind.
Here’s
where my opinionated self will be butting in: There is a reason why an Ex is an Ex, not
necessarily because the person is bad but because both of you are not meant to
be together. I do not see a reason why a friend is banned from dating your Ex,
especially if they were not aware of your relationship and even if they know, I
don’t think it is right to sit upon another person’s chance at finding the
right one. It just so happens that you know each other but really if you have
truly moved on from that Ex, there shouldn't be hard feelings about who dates
them, albeit your friend or even a sibling. Perhaps because your friend loves
you a whole lot, he/she could seek your blessing/approval before they go ahead
with the relationship but sweetie, really, they are not obligated to bend towards
whatever sentiments you may have. It’s not like you were double crossed and had
the person snatched from you, you were done and over before your friend came
along.
As
long as there was clearly no emotional attachment between them while your
relationship with the ex lasted and your ex didn't cheat on you with your
friend……you were well done and over before they became involved, why are you
losing sleep? I just don’t get it! Your friend does the needful and informs you
about his/her intention, all you owe that friend is your advice. Hopefully your
reasons why they shouldn't be together are genuine and not borne out of
jealousy and ill feelings. People, live and let live. Some people do not get it
right in relationships the first, second, third time. Along the way, they meet
someone they truly gel and can be happy with……alas! This someone is an ex’s
friend, should that be the end? Don’t be the Philistine to their Israel, don’t be
a party pooper or show stopper, if you think they wouldn't work, offer your
advice and let them make their decision……you are not God!
I
understand there are situations that can make having an ex close messy, maybe
it reminds you of a past you would rather forget, perhaps it is irritating to
share a former sexual partner with your friend, perhaps the break up hurt you
so much and you can’t get over the bitterness and its possible you still have
feelings for your Ex. We do need to protect ourselves and guard our hearts, so share
your reservations with your friend and let them make a decision, DO NOT
THREATEN THEM. The truth is your friend is not obligated to accommodate your
misgivings because he/she also has to protect his/her interest but there can be
an understanding borne out of love. Just because I love my friend so much and I
cherish the friendship and can understand how my relationship with that Ex
would alienate her (reasonably so), I can decide not to pursue it, but this
decision is solely mine and not my friend’s.
I
am a girl but I have not been one to follow the ‘girl code’ and this is because
I don’t believe in rules, I follow only principles. I don’t let what some
people have decided to be acceptable control my world; God’s standards are my
words to live by. We need understanding in what all we do, we can’t just follow
rules blindly because the situations are not usually the same. People can
reason together to reach a decision that works for all parties but when all is said
and done, each individual is responsible for his/her choice and no one has any
right to control it, even God doesn't He gives us our free will.
Mo’
Omoregee 2012