Above all, I knew deep down in my heart that all these emotions were not going to take me anywhere, I couldn’t even pray, and I knew that I couldn’t carry on that way for too long. I wouldn’t have lasted long if I had carried on that way for long, cause I was going to wreck my mind and health If I so did, I had to wake up to REALITY, I had to face myself in the mirror and tell myself the stark undiluted truth –There is absolutely nothing that could be done to change or rectify what had already happened, it was already in the past and I had to treat it as such - THE PAST!
I kept telling myself over and over “It’s all in the past, my past will not affect my present or my future and I choose to let go and move on”. I wasn’t exactly liking or feeling what I was saying, but I just kept saying it. With the help of my senior pastor, I kept pushing ahead. I would remember him, and I would push further. His help I cannot over emphasize because he was there for me. By choosing to let go, I was able to do a proper evaluation of what had happened, I took responsibility for where I had made mistakes, I took to lessons that could be learned, new and better ways of doing things if I was given another opportunity and if I was to go through that situation and circumstance again. I generally learnt to be a better person. Somehow, the knowledge and realization that I had become a better person for it made me start feeling good about myself. That feeling of ‘goodness’ however little did a lot of magic, and it did me a world of good. I was beginning to get excited that I had become a better person.
I started practicing God’s presence again on my own, I would call God, and not be able to say another word, sometimes I would only be able to say “God help me please” but I stayed there. I would stay there and all I would be able to do is playing a song repeatedly and not be able to sing it but I just kept staying there. It later became a heart to heart communication with God, I still could not say a word to God, but my heart started communing and crying out to God. In my heart, I would pour out my heart to God telling Him exactly how I felt leaving no details out. I told Him that I didn’t feel like talking to Him, but that I didn’t have a choice; I told Him that I wanted to go have random sex, I told Him that I felt very lonely and I needed someone to hold me, I told Him that I was angry at Him for watching me all those painful years, I told Him that I wanted to just disappear and just relocate to another side of the planet where I could start a fresh clean life with no histories, I told Him all sorts, but above all, I told Him that doing all these things won’t help me, and I needed Him to help me. I told Him that I needed Him DESPERATELY because I didn’t want to go crazy with the loneliness or the pain and anguish.
In dealing with the pain, I couldn’t cry for a long time, but in one of those heart to heart sessions with God, I broke down in heart wrenching sobs. Believe it or not, I cried in a way that I have never cried all my life. The tears just kept flowing non-stop and it was almost like I couldn’t stop myself from crying. All the tears that I had bottled up whilst trying to play the ‘macho gurl’ came springing forth non-stop, and the tears continued throughout that day, after which I actually began to feel alive and better again. I had become broken by the presence of the Holy Spirit, and He had begun a good work in me on every side.
In my sessions with God, my talking started gradually and in His presence I got my daily dose of strength to face the world and the healing to embrace the future! Wow! Because God lives, we can always face tomorrow, my healing process had kicked into gear one! I received the comfort of the Holy Spirit!
In His continued presence, I started experiencing His love again; I experienced His PEACE, His JOY. I felt so much love and joy that I couldn’t hide it anymore. Left, right, center, people said I was glowing, they wanted to know the secret, but alas, it was GOD AND GOD ALONE!
Guess what?! Things in my life started responding to the change in me. The joy of the Lord filled me so much and transformed me such that I got better at my job in the office, got redeployed and promoted to a department that I had always wanted to build a career in; I made new friends and generally just moved on in every sphere. I gave out most of my old stuff and I started living my excited rebranded life. Yay!!! I was back, not just back, but BIGGER AND BETTER!
My change was so evident that people (even those that condemned me) became curious as to what was going on in my life. I became a mystery they needed to unravel.
I really can’t say that this is the exact day, method or style God used in seeing me through, all I did was to hang in there with Him and I just REFUSED to let go. Nobody can do this part for you my dear; you have to DO IT YOURSELF! The best people can do for you will be to try and be there but you have to win this battle yourself in the place of prayer and fellowship with God.
Attitude: You may be going through deep pain, but keep your head above water, and don’t let that pain make you become a pain to other people. Your attitude must be top notch such that you don’t make matters worse for yourself. Be humble enough to receive grace and strength from our Father, and maintain the right attitude towards people too. It’s God and GOD ALONE peeps; only Him can do that which He alone as God can do. Don’t misunderstand this for Accountability; you need the right people around you to hold you up when you are down and hold your hand while the battle is raging, but ultimately, only GOD HEALS AND RESTORES COMPLETELY! Don’t let go, just hang in there.
The arm of flesh will fail you if you trust in them, it failed me BIG TIME! I didn’t have any other choice but to face God squarely, and I stayed there, even when it didn’t make sense to me. I had nowhere else to go for succor or strength. The beauty of it all was that, He didn’t leave me, He didn’t forsake me, He didn’t get tired of me, He didn’t give up on me, instead, He HEALED ME, HE RESTORED ME, HE GAVE ME BACK A BIGGER AND BETTER LIFE, HE FILLED MY MOUTH ONCE AGAIN WITH SO MUCH SINGING, HE GAVE ME NEW STEPS OF REJOICING, HE GAVE ME NEW REASONS TO DANCE, HE GAVE ME SO MUCH JOY and guess what? It CAN ONLY GET BETTER, because the path of the just is like a shining light that shines brighter and brighter unto the perfect day! Halleluiah.
Some of the scriptures that helped me are: James 5:14-16; Eccl.4:9-10; 1Cor.14:4; James 1:2-4, James1:19-20; James 4:8, 1Peter 2:24 and Jer. 29:11-13.
The story concludes in the next post :)