Mothers are special. The things they do for a child, the sacrifices they make, the lengths they go to, the burdens they bear, oh, and the pain! Hours roll into days, screams and well sometimes the curses just to birth a child. The scares, the worries, the sleepless nights and the denials; characteristics of motherhood. A certainty is- they always say it is worth the entire ordeal. They do not seem to mind going through all they do because the satisfaction and joy in watching a child grow n develop is immeasurable.
Given all that a mother goes through to bring up her child to be relevant n on point, one may say that it is not surprising that she may be over protective and jealously guard her ‘investment’ from predators! Who dares fault her? Were this people there when she went through all that she did to train her baby? Did they bear the cost? How dare they tell her to let go n back off? They must be high on something eh? He who pays the piper should dictate the tune innit? Well, a mother can only do so much, but when it comes to marriage, as hard as it may be, she needs to back off to an extent, n do her guarding 007, James Bond style!
You may ask, what about fathers? I’m not focusing on the dads because even though they also play vital roles in their children’s lives, given few exceptions, I find out the bond isn’t usually as strong n tight as you will find it is with mothers n their kids. Perhaps it’s a gender thing, perhaps its because they didn’t carry the pregnancy n go through labor, whatever it is, it appears the bond between a mother n her child is usually strong n unbreakable. I mean, when extended family issues arise between a couple, it usually is about the mother-in-law!
So, a guy meets the woman of his dreams, grows to love her and marries her. She is supposed to now become his numero uno, his focus, and his queen….together, they are to build a family. Supposed, but not always the case. Okay, rewind and let’s check where this guy is coming from. He probably lost his father at a tender age n his mom struggled to cater for his needs. Perhaps his own story is about the mother that had to sell her jewellery n starve to see him through school. Whatever the scenario, in his opinion, his mom got him to where he is and he owes her everything n of course her word is ‘yes n amen’. How nice, quite touching, very noble but I’m telling you this kind of thinking might be his undoing.
Before you trip n mis-understand me, I’m not saying a guy shouldn’t be grateful to his parents or mom particularly for her labor of love, I’m not saying he should disregard her because he is married, I’m not saying she becomes less important because he took a wife……all this girl is saying is, a man should be able to define both positions clearly n audibly without any interference……the positions of his wife n mother. What am I about? Ok, take a chill pill n let’s see shall we?
The positions of a wife and mother are two very important and unique roles in a man’s life. One comes before the other. If the first one messed it up, the other would have to pay dearly for it, but if she did a fine job, the other enjoys the fruit of her labor. Perhaps this is why some mothers find it difficult to let their daughters-in law enjoy their sons; because they feel they did all the sowing! It may be a natural feeling, but is it Godly?
‘And a man shall leave his parents and cleave to his wife……and they shall become one.’ Forgive me, but I personally think the Word should have said ‘leave his mother’, really. I say this because many a men n women are still attached to their mama’s apron strings. Tied and all knotted up……..not willing to let go. Mama makes all the decisions for them, mama decides who their friends are, mama determines what school n course they study. Mama’s opinion is the way forward. Without mama, there’s no decision making, she’s like an oracle that has to be consulted, she gives the verdict. Their home is run based on her template and if he can wing it, she would determine what meals should be served! I believe mothers have noble intentions towards their kids but if some boundaries are overstepped, hey, trouble is in town!
A man that cannot manage his mom and her influences is putting his home in jeopardy. Most, if not every mother will want to interfere in the affairs of her son’s home, but I believe it behooves the man of the house to handle his business. There can never be two captains in the same ship, that would only birth chaos because the crew would be confused on whose orders to follow. If you ask me, the way I picture it is like a relay race…..with the eye on the prize. The focus is to see the man fulfill his God-given purpose and be fulfilled. Mama started the race, and at a particular point, it’s time to pass the baton to wifey. Now, in a relay race, once the baton is passed, the one who passed it has done his/her part and leaves the other, hoping and praying that he/she would come through. If he/she tries to interfere, the umpire blows the whistle and disqualifies that team. The goal hence goes down the drain; prize is lost.
Best shot? Partnership, work together. Once the common goal has been identified- to help this man be all that he would be, mama and wifey should partner up, each respecting the other and sticking to her part of the deal. Guyz need to realize that no matter how much your wife loves your mom; she doesn’t want her running her home. She may be grateful for her advice, tips and insight, but she doesn’t want mama calling the shots. The challenge most guyz face is trying to balance his affection between both of them, so one does not feel deficient. Hey, good call, but I ask, if a woman can make her husband her priority n focus, over her family and children, why is it hard for the man to do the same? Why does it always have to feel like a competition between mama n wifey? You don’t cook like my mom, you don’t know how to make it like mom does, I like it the way mom does it….etc. News flash! She’s never probably gonna do it like mama does, so get used to it! If she’s nice, she may be willing to learn from mama so she can please you, but hey……there’s no point trying to make her feel inadequate by comparing her to mama……..I wouldn’t do that if I were you!
I know of scenarios where the mom determines how much her son gives for monthly upkeep, where every career decision he makes is inclined to her without caring how the wife feels about it, where whatever his mom says, whether right or wrong takes pre-eminence over the affairs of the home. There’s no way the husband-wife bond can be made strong with this. God wasn’t deluded when he gave that Word. That big step into marriage is the final bustop on parental manipulation. Yes, listen to them, by all means seek their advice, but at the end of the day, what counts and matters and is priority should be what you and your wife have to say to each other. A man marries his wife, not his mother. The wife is the major stakeholder in a man’s life. She bears his children and can make or mar him. Boy, you better wise up. Bitterness, resentment and grudges aint good spices to cook up your home with. I’m just saying, if you want the best out of your wife, don’t alienate her, don’t make her feel she’s in second place, don’t make her feel like her opinions have to be sanctioned by a third party…….if she can make you her number one, she expects to be yours. I am yet to meet a woman who likes to be second in her man’s heart. Even the polygamous wives will tell you it ain’t beans at all.
If you have been careful to marry a good, Godly and ordained wife, she will love your mom just like you do…….she would be grateful to your mom because she knows without her influence, she wouldn’t have had you. So, bro, it’s on you to choose carefully and prayerfully and to define and manage both loves of your life. Oh, and while you are at it, it also would be nice if you can untie those apron strings bit by bit….till you are free. Hey, that’s the only way you are gonna get me, cos I am just so allergic to mama’s boyz! :D