Wednesday, June 22, 2011

This is for you…….mama’s boy.

Mothers are special. The things they do for a child, the sacrifices they make, the lengths they go to, the burdens they bear, oh, and the pain! Hours roll into days, screams and well sometimes the curses just to birth a child. The scares, the worries, the sleepless nights and the denials; characteristics of motherhood. A certainty is- they always say it is worth the entire ordeal. They do not seem to mind going through all they do because the satisfaction and joy in watching a child grow n develop is immeasurable.

Given all that a mother goes through to bring up her child to be relevant n on point, one may say that it is not surprising that she may be over protective and jealously guard her ‘investment’ from predators! Who dares fault her? Were this people there when she went through all that she did to train her baby? Did they bear the cost? How dare they tell her to let go n back off? They must be high on something eh? He who pays the piper should dictate the tune innit? Well, a mother can only do so much, but when it comes to marriage, as hard as it may be, she needs to back off to an extent, n do her guarding 007, James Bond style!

You may ask, what about fathers? I’m not focusing on the dads because even though they also play vital roles in their children’s lives, given few exceptions, I find out the bond isn’t usually as strong n tight as you will find it is with mothers n their kids. Perhaps it’s a gender thing, perhaps its because they didn’t carry the pregnancy n go through labor, whatever it is, it appears the bond between a mother n her child is usually strong n unbreakable. I mean, when extended family issues arise between a couple, it usually is about the mother-in-law!

So, a guy meets the woman of his dreams, grows to love her and marries her. She is supposed to now become his numero uno, his focus, and his queen….together, they are to build a family. Supposed, but not always the case. Okay, rewind and let’s check where this guy is coming from. He probably lost his father at a tender age n his mom struggled to cater for his needs. Perhaps his own story is about the mother that had to sell her jewellery n starve to see him through school. Whatever the scenario, in his opinion, his mom got him to where he is and he owes her everything n of course her word is ‘yes n amen’. How nice, quite touching, very noble but I’m telling you this kind of thinking might be his undoing.

Before you trip n mis-understand me, I’m not saying a guy shouldn’t be grateful to his parents or mom particularly for her labor of love, I’m not saying he should disregard her because he is married, I’m not saying she becomes less important because he took a wife……all this girl is saying is, a man should be able to define both positions clearly n audibly without any interference……the positions of his wife n mother. What am I about? Ok, take a chill pill n let’s see shall we?

The positions of a wife and mother are two very important and unique roles in a man’s life. One comes before the other. If the first one messed it up, the other would have to pay dearly for it, but if she did a fine job, the other enjoys the fruit of her labor. Perhaps this is why some mothers find it difficult to let their daughters-in law enjoy their sons; because they feel they did all the sowing! It may be a natural feeling, but is it Godly?

‘And a man shall leave his parents and cleave to his wife……and they shall become one.’ Forgive me, but I personally think the Word should have said ‘leave his mother’, really. I say this because many a men n women are still attached to their mama’s apron strings. Tied and all knotted up……..not willing to let go. Mama makes all the decisions for them, mama decides who their friends are, mama determines what school n course they study. Mama’s opinion is the way forward. Without mama, there’s no decision making, she’s like an oracle that has to be consulted, she gives the verdict. Their home is run based on her template and if he can wing it, she would determine what meals should be served! I believe mothers have noble intentions towards their kids but if some boundaries are overstepped, hey, trouble is in town!

A man that cannot manage his mom and her influences is putting his home in jeopardy. Most, if not every mother will want to interfere in the affairs of her son’s home, but I believe it behooves the man of the house to handle his business. There can never be two captains in the same ship, that would only birth chaos because the crew would be confused on whose orders to follow. If you ask me, the way I picture it is like a relay race…..with the eye on the prize. The focus is to see the man fulfill his God-given purpose and be fulfilled. Mama started the race, and at a particular point, it’s time to pass the baton to wifey. Now, in a relay race, once the baton is passed, the one who passed it has done his/her part and leaves the other, hoping and praying that he/she would come through. If he/she tries to interfere, the umpire blows the whistle and disqualifies that team. The goal hence goes down the drain; prize is lost.

Best shot? Partnership, work together. Once the common goal has been identified- to help this man be all that he would be, mama and wifey should partner up, each respecting the other and sticking to her part of the deal. Guyz need to realize that no matter how much your wife loves your mom; she doesn’t want her running her home. She may be grateful for her advice, tips and insight, but she doesn’t want mama calling the shots. The challenge most guyz face is trying to balance his affection between both of them, so one does not feel deficient. Hey, good call, but I ask, if a woman can make her husband her priority n focus, over her family and children, why is it hard for the man to do the same? Why does it always have to feel like a competition between mama n wifey? You don’t cook like my mom, you don’t know how to make it like mom does, I like it the way mom does it….etc. News flash! She’s never probably gonna do it like mama does, so get used to it! If she’s nice, she may be willing to learn from mama so she can please you, but hey……there’s no point trying to make her feel inadequate by comparing her to mama……..I wouldn’t do that if I were you!

I know of scenarios where the mom determines how much her son gives for monthly upkeep, where every career decision he makes is inclined to her without caring how the wife feels about it, where whatever his mom says, whether right or wrong takes pre-eminence over the affairs of the home. There’s no way the husband-wife bond can be made strong with this. God wasn’t deluded when he gave that Word. That big step into marriage is the final bustop on parental manipulation. Yes, listen to them, by all means seek their advice, but at the end of the day, what counts and matters and is priority should be what you and your wife have to say to each other. A man marries his wife, not his mother. The wife is the major stakeholder in a man’s life. She bears his children and can make or mar him. Boy, you better wise up. Bitterness, resentment and grudges aint good spices to cook up your home with. I’m just saying, if you want the best out of your wife, don’t alienate her, don’t make her feel she’s in second place, don’t make her feel like her opinions have to be sanctioned by a third party…….if she can make you her number one, she expects to be yours. I am yet to meet a woman who likes to be second in her man’s heart. Even the polygamous wives will tell you it ain’t beans at all.

If you have been careful to marry a good, Godly and ordained wife, she will love your mom just like you do…….she would be grateful to your mom because she knows without her influence, she wouldn’t have had you. So, bro, it’s on you to choose carefully and prayerfully and to define and manage both loves of your life. Oh, and while you are at it, it also would be nice if you can untie those apron strings bit by bit….till you are free. Hey, that’s the only way you are gonna get me, cos I am just so allergic to mama’s boyz! :D

Muchos Lovos


@ilola said...

Omg! I love your relay race analogy. That just finished it for me. I will be sure to use that analogy, should I ever find myself in need of it.

Your word: 'That big step into marriage is the final bustop on parental manipulation'. This is lovely

Omoregee said...

Tx @ilola......Awww, I'm glad you love it n find it useful. Tx a bunch! :)

Tee Akindele said...

LOL... I hope this toaster of yours gets the message. You're are a great girl and must be worth it, even if the guy requires a surgical operation to severe the apron strings. Tehehe!

But on a more serious note, I feel I should just add another perspective, for guys who, for some reason, have not been very much in touch with parents/family, and you particularly feel guilty about the distance or strangeness in your spare contact with your mums, especially when these parents sacrificed so much to earn your love and you just had personal issues with reciprocating as a teenager, until you became a matured adult (#mind you: This is a scenario as common as the mamma's boy syndrome). For guys in this case, getting married or the needs of your wife to be number one, must never be an excuse to stop trying to repair the broken relationship with your parent/parents no matter how hard, or how long it takes (And usually... it's easier to get forgiveness from a heart-broken mum, than a dad in this case).

For a lady, who feels quite relieved and comfortable, that her husband doesn't have any strong attachments to his parents, that may compete with the attention he pays her, I'd think she is rather insecure and ask her to just hang around a little while for the boomerang of Karma's return trip... LOL. The truth is not every mum who covets a relationship with her son is trying to compete with the other women in his life.

I think any mature and Godly woman should actually also assist, teach and encourage her man in this SPECIFIC situation, to fix the damage and hurt he may have caused his parents, and probably even insist on it before committing to marriage(if not already married). The truth is, THE WAY A MAN TREATS/FEELS ABOUT HIS MOTHER MAY DETERMINE HOW HE TREATS YOU IN THE LONG RUN.

Hopefully this doesn't in anyway detract from the perspective dear Yenny has already very effectively established... I just hope it balances things a bit.

Olumide Bisiriyu said...

"Hey, that’s the only way you are gonna get me, cos I am just so allergic to mama’s boyz!" Hmmm. Sounds like a guy inspired this. Lol. Nice one though.

Sisi Yemmie ™ said...

im telling you! No matter how much I love my MIL, I dont want her running any shows in my house biko!

Anonymous said...

Beautifully written sister! SOME MIL are a pain in the ass! Patience & diplomacy are the key words, esp the ones that trained their sons all by themselves...they believe it's their RIGHT to reap the labor of their love & get whatever they want & hell besot any wife who tries to 'block' her way! So wives should learn to 'co-operate' & be prayerful. That is why it is good to investigate one's background to see if one can cope or not.

Omoregee said..., interesting perspective. I do agree that marriage shouldn't deter one from enjoying a loving n strong relationship with one's parents, esp the mom.......but it should be healthy......with clearly defined roles. And yes, a wife should be very instrumental in bridging estranged relationships n encouraging love. In truth, if a guy didn't love n have a good relationship with his parents, I would be very concerned because it is a pointer!

Tx n no, this is not about a 'toaster' is solely for mama's boyz far n nigh :)

@Olumide......Tx! Interestingly, I got fired up to write this based on a convo with a, u may say a guy inspired it, but not in the way Tee suggested. This is addressed to no one in particular.

@sisi..............There can only be just one captain on a ship.....tx :)

@Madam IB........True! Investigation reveals all sorts o! You are very right......prayer, patience, Godly wisdom are the weapons......n I like how u put co-operate in inverted commas.....hahahahaha! Tx!

kitkat said...

very very lovely post! i couldnt have said it better!

Imisi said...

You couldn't be more correct; mothers need to learn to back of their sons' marriages just a bit. Still, I believe the alliance would be much smoother if the wife acknowledges and appreciates the 'sprinter' who got the 'baton' to her in good time

Mwajim Al said...

haha "allergic to mama's boys". I like that.

Gbemisoke said...

Thought provoking.
I think I started to empathize with my MIL after I had my son and even though we don't have a perfect relationship, I find myself trying to see things from her point of view more these days.

In a perfect world, the partnership picture you painted would work, but then human beings being what we are... *sigh*

The man's attitude is extremely important. If he doesn't play his role of mediator/referee/leader well, there'll be issues. May God give us the wisdom we need....

Gbemisoke said...

Oh and thanks for stopping by my blog :o)

Bomi said...

Really enjoyed reading this - your notes always have a way of making one smile:)! You've certainly raised very valid points! The picture tickled me soo lol! God bless!


Omoregee said...

@kit kat......tx my dear, glad u enjoyed it :)

@Imisi.....true! Of course, a good, God-fearing wife would love n appreciate her MIL for raising a wonderful man who became her husband. I stop to think tho, its still about the man- If he is on point, it reflects on the mom I believe there's is an overflow of appreciation from God, to hubby to MIL- provided MIL is not 'evil'....:)

@Mwajim Al.......I am, u know *wink*

@Gbemisoke.......Really, in a perfect world cos we know it is not always so. I say Amen to ur prayer. Tx ma.

@Bomi........Tx sis! Aww, the little things do make u Tx a bunch :D

Emeka Amakeze said...

Married should in no way deter men from having healthy relationship with their mothers but...

"A man that cannot manage his mom and her influences is putting his home in jeopardy. Most, if not every mother will want to interfere in the affairs of her son’s home, but I believe it behooves the man of the house to handle his business."

In the same vein, insecurity should not scare a wife away from allowing her husband to show his mother love.

Omoregee said...

@Emeka......well balanced, tx for stopping by :)

N.I.L (Naijamum in London) said...

Like Emeka said, I believe it is up to the man to take a firm stand.

I have three sons and I pray for the day I see them protecting their wives and homes.

After all, I will leave them on this earth when I'm old. So, it doesn't make sense to come between them and their wives when I know the wife will be their soul-mate forever.

Any mother who makes the son choose between her and the wife is plain evil.

Thanks for dropping by my blog. I'll def be coming back - as your blog is now on my blogroll

Dee! said...

I have just one sentence for ALL "nose poking" "never minding their business" MILs - LET GO!

Your son is now a married MAN! Let him build his home!

I am with Emeka and NIL on this. A man should STAND FIRM! Any MIL who interferes in her son's marriage is MEAN! Would she be ready to have babies for her SON?!

Okeoghene said...

...Better late than never....

Sometimes I think it is not easy for the MIL to let the son go just like that. I have a wonderful MIL but as good as our relationship is, there are times when she wants to run my ship. The butter in our relationship is the fact that my man stands firm and makes her know that this is my home and can only make suggestions that might not necessarily be followed. The man should be able to draw the line and just like your relay analogy, the baton is already out of her hand, she has passed it on the wife.

Anonymous said...

As always, you delivered. That relay race analogy is spot on and super-fantastic!!! I dont think any other analogy could have done better justice. From your mouth to God's ears....Brothers,mothers and mothers-to-be, se una dey hear/read...a word is.....


Omoregee said...

@ NIL.....I really wish every mother had ur idiosyncrasy n shared ur sentiment ma.....true words!

Tx for coming here n following....Yay!

@Dee.......*gbam! interesting question....
Tx for stopping by :)

@Okeoghene.....'The butter in our relationship is the fact that my man stands firm................' .True oh, but I always thot u are a man.....?

@HD......Tx a zilly sis, to Him be the glory, muah!

Adura Ojo (Naijalines) said...

MILS need to know their place and not interfere once their sdon has made his choice. It is one aspect of our culture that I detest - that hypocrisy about claiming to respect the sanctity of marriage on one hand and at the same time not leaving the poor couple alone. We have to know when to keep quiet and be diplomatic and stop serving our own selfish interests under the guise of 'parental/family love'.

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