Mind over Matter

When I think about the intricacies that involve the mind, I am in awe especially because it seems like something particular to an individual yet totally out of grasp. The mind houses our thoughts, it’s where change is birthed, where decisions are made, where power is generated, where vision is conceived, where mistakes are made and where sin is committed. Most times, the act isn’t where we have gone wrong, it is in our inability to decide to do right in our mind and in the thoughts we give free reign which eventually gives birth to the act……we forget that our thoughts define us, before our actions do. The mind is so important yet we tend to undermine the potency of its power. We focus more on the exterior and allow it control the interior which will present a casualty because the interior was designed to control the exterior.

A computer is programmed to run based on the software applications installed in it. The monitor, keyboard and mouse are some of the external parts while the parts we cannot see, the Motherboard, CD Drives, Interface Card, Chip sets, RAM cards, etc are essentially what brings value to the computer. Now, note that the external parts are all the same but the RAM, programs and software applications differ and depend on the preference of the programmer. The value I get from my computer is not based on the screen or mouse type essentially but is because of what I can do with/on it. The problems I can solve with it, the things I can save on it, the different applications that serve to make my life easier and better.

Every human has a pair of eyes, a nose, a mouth, two hands, two legs……same external features but what really makes us different is the programs (mindsets, idiosyncrasies, thought patterns, belief systems) we have installed in our minds. This determines the value we bring to our selves and the society. Now, when a virus is introduced into the computer, it distorts normal function and threatens to crash the hard drive. Sometimes, an antivirus can successfully clean the system out, but in the difficult cases, the drive needs to be formatted and totally wiped out to properly function again.

When the storms of life come our way, when challenges arise, when it seems like nothing is working and everything threatens to crash, how do we find a way to get back to a state of proper function? Think about it, the virus does not target the monitor, mouse or keyboard, it goes for the most important part of the computer which is vital to its function. We need to understand that the trials and issues we go through daily may seem overwhelming but if they cannot get to the very core of our being, we keep standing. Situations and circumstances will try to mess with your mind and distort the programs installed in there but this can only happen if you let them.

It is very important to have the right programs installed in our human system. What you feed into your mind is what comes back to you; the measure of work you subject your mind to will determine the measure of worth that you get. So many things that are totally against God’s standards have become the norm but the only way to stand firm and not conform is to ensure we have the right knowledge by updating (renewing) the programs(mind) continually from the manufacturers (God). In a world where so many incidences threaten our peace and faith, the only way to stay sane is to stay connected to a source of inner peace (God) which is inspite of circumstances, peace that surpasses all understanding.

With having the right program also comes the responsibility of installing a potent antivirus (faith), it is critical to load up your ‘antivirus’. When you buy a computer, you are advised to get a potent antivirus to install on the system before you begin use, this is because for a computer that will live up to its value and use, lots of applications, internet downloads and file transfers will occur. These activities will present a viral threat but the presence of an antivirus protects the system from crashing. You can try to watch the discs and flash drives (songs and videos) you use on the system, the sites you visit (company and friends) and files you download on the internet but some viruses are stubborn and tricky and still find a way of sneaking up on you. When you have an already installed potent antivirus though, the virus meets a dead end and gets destroyed.

I remember this story of a sick man in the hospital but the doctors couldn’t diagnose his ailment. A close friend told him about some medicine that could heal him but he had to take it religiously. The man having tried different physicians to no avail decided to have faith in his friend’s medication. He took the meds routinely and started getting better, eventually he came back to good health and when he asked his friend what drug he was given his friend smiled and said, ‘candy’.

What you believe in will work for you. The mind is so powerful; it can control the body irrespective of what may be happening to it. A healthy mind can heal a sick body, family or nation. No matter who you are or where you come from, if you can conceive those ideas in your mind, you can realize them. We need to stop focusing on the challenges that threaten our growth and channel our efforts into building the right mindsets that will transform our lives. Culture, people, background, friends, the environment, recession, challenges cannot hold you down if they cannot penetrate into your mind to dilute and distort the way you think. The mind takes preeminence over whatever the matter may be, if you let it. YOU get to decide how situations will affect you. I leave you with words from Napoleon Hill, ‘there is no limitation to the mind except that which we acknowledge’.



Muchos lovos

Keep it moving, he’s taken!

The reward for hard work is usually success, not all the time but most of the time. Success requires a lot of hard work and some more. You need determination, diligence, consistency, wisdom and lots of faith. It is possible to work hard and not work smart, usually I find that to work smart, I always have to draw up my scale of preference to decide what is most important and work from that to the less important. These and some other things but that’s beside the focus of this write up here.

I have come to discover that the more one works at something, the clearer one’s perspective is and the better one becomes; be it a skill, art or intellectual rite. It’s the same ol’ saying- ‘practice makes a man perfect’ you want to make something better, you don’t go to sleep, you stay awake and work at it, learning new ways to improve and add value and if you keep it at, you begin to reap the fruits of your labour. Its like watching a lily flower open up, days of nurture, attention and the bud sprouts and opens into a beautiful flower. The feeling of satisfaction and joy is profound.

Now, it doesn't come easy, that's why its called HARD work. You put in all that time n effort, nurture, attention, investment, resources and so much heart and just when you are about ready to lean back and enjoy the harvest from nowhere comes the thief, wanting the results but not the work.

Oh yes, Miss Husband Snatcher, I just drove up your avenue.

Each time i hear about Lil Miss Thing going after someone’s husband, I wonder where the bolt that’s supposed to keep the sense intact went to. It’s not even so much about the die-hard principle of seed time n harvest which no one can do anything about, or the law of karma that tells us ‘what goes around comes around’ but I just can’t help but wonder......how do they sleep at night?

How do you live with yourself knowing the havoc you are causing in a home n union put together by God? Lady, you wanna mess with somebody, please don’t choose God, you will drown! A marriage is ordained by God, He is very much interested in that institution and when He gets reports about someone messing it up, He doesn’t take it lightly at all! To be held responsible for breaking up a covenant is not a good add on your CV, trust me, you don’t want to be in the ring facing God, you could never win. I mean the so many reasons and excuses these strange women give ...... ‘she doesn’t meet his needs’ ‘she doesn’t satisfy him sexually’ ‘he’s lonely’ bla bla bla.......Jesus is coined ‘saviour’ not you honey.....there is absolutely no reason justifiable to be entangled with a married man.

I know some men go after other ladies even while married, but if they had no one to indulge ‘em, I wonder what they will do? Let’s see......they probably would be forced to look into their marriages and work at it, since they have no one/place to turn to.....and this is how it should be. Now, there are some men minding their business and here comes Lil Miss Thing recognising what a mine he is sets her claws to score herself ‘a good catch’. Either she’s looking to entertain herself, milk him dry or take over the wife position, whatever the motive is, the handle is- that kind of strategy has no blessing in it. Ain’t nothing sugary about a daddy or uncle, you can’t grow while causing somebody pain, it doesn’t work that way.

When a man is married, he is off limits, committed, taken, sold out, off the market, not available, $%^#!&%$!.........for those who don’t speak English. Personally, when a guy is in a relationship, he is off limits for me but I understand there is still a possibility of him making a different choice in the future but with marriage, he already made a choice and sweetie, it isn’t you. He chose her, forget that fib about he wishing he met you first, believe it or not, there were other options around when he chose her and he didn’t do it with his eyes closed, men don’t make such decisions half-heartedly, it is a very calculated one. Now, as if playing second fiddle isn’t bad enough, you really think he loves you don’t you? Then why is he still in the marriage? I mean God gave you a brain sister, please use it!

Why do you have to go after what belongs to someone else? You don’t believe you are good enough to get yours? You don’t trust God to bless you with a good man? That man is attractive to you because his wife invested in him, why don’t you also invest in a man and watch him blossom? And when he does, would you like to give him away to another woman?

I think there are enough men to go around if you would just be patient and wait for yours. Is there a delay? Pray, work on yourself, acquire skills, become a better person. If you admire and would like someone like Mr. Husband, do not covet him, try and find out what it takes to attract someone like him. Even if he does leave his wife for you, can you be sure he wouldn’t also leave you for another Miss Thing? Stop setting yourself up for failure, be honourable, keep your claws off married men and the good Lord will smile upon you.

Having respect for marital commitment can also be the beginning of wisdom, ‘cause that shows you fear the Lord and the next time you spot a sister gunning after a married man, you know what you gotta do.........give her a good punch, to knock some sense into her. I'm Kidding!!!

Mo’

Stop the Pain, NOT Your Life! 4

Summary:

1.  Matured friends/spiritual leaders have a part to play by holding up your hand when you are down and tired.

2.  You have a part to play by bracing yourself up, letting go, forgiving, learning from the past and hanging in there in God’s presence never letting him go. As Jacob told that angel he wrestled with “I will not let you go, unless you bless me”. Don’t let go of His presence. You need it….it’s your lifeline!

3.  God has a part to play which He will never fail to do. He is faithful. He is the Restorer, and He gives BEAUTY FOR ASHES!

Sometimes I look back, and I wonder to myself how I ever went through that ordeal without going on leave from work, or going crazy. I had to leave my work in church for a while because at that time I was a minister for married women and I had just lost a marriage, so I felt I didn’t have anything to offer them at that time. I later came back after a month to join the work force and this decision blessed my life tremendously because we shall SERVE the Lord our God, and He shall bless our bread and our water and take sickness away from our midst. All Glory to God!

The answers to how I went through the pain with my life not stopping are the major lessons that I have shared above. Your healing process doesn’t have to take several months or years. Some months after my experience, I was already radiating JOY, it didn’t take too long after then, I was bubbly and jumping all over the place. Even my colleagues at work could not understand what had come over the usual ‘quiet me’. I was more alive; the dead look was gone and gone forever. Praise God!!!

Today as I write, several months down the line, I am free of every pain and regret, and my life has progressed remarkably, and it can only get better. 2 Cor. 1: 3-4 says “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulations, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. I have received this comfort, and I constantly run to Him…and so I can tell you this: Don’t let this pain kill you or make your life stop my dear, maintain the right attitude and you will give birth to more in the future than you have lost in the past. (I learnt that statement from a book I read by Joel Osteen) – Becoming a Better you! A must read for every believer, I must say. Joel Osteen made a statement that changed my life, marked my mind and stayed with me. He said “I don’t believe that divorce is God’s best. Unfortunately, sometimes it is unavoidable, when all the options are placed on the table, divorce sometimes is the ‘best’ option there is to follow at that time, else a destiny destroyed, a life crushed or worsened and more havoc caused. If you have been through a divorce, understand that God still has another plan for your life. Just because someone rejected you or walked out of your life and left you hurt, doesn’t mean you should retreat and settle where you are. That rejection or failure of a marriage doesn’t change what God has put on the inside of you. It doesn’t mean that you cannot be happy. When one door closes, if you will keep the right attitude, God will open another door. But you have to do your part and keep pressing forward”.

In conclusion, don’t add to the population of the bitter people we have on earth you deserve a better life. Rise up and brace yourself. No pain is worth you dying, no pain is worth you losing your mind, no pain is worth you losing that glorious destiny of yours, no pain is worth killing that BEAUTIFUL YOU! Rise up and come out of that fire stronger, better and wiser such that your world would have no choice but to celebrate you.

If you need help or assistance to walk/work with you step by step on your specific situation or someone to talk to, kindly send an e-mail to thistooshallpass@gmail.com, someone would respond to you and we would all learn from one another and grow together, we can affect lives and be a help to our generation. God is mindful of us, and He sure will see us through. I love you all dearly, and I see a greater and better you! Rise up to the challenge, Yes we can!

For all kinds of pain, this is applicable. Is it something that you have done wrong? Is it a sin that so easily entangles you? Is it a habit? You still need to stay accountable, seek help, brace yourself and forgive yourself. Let it go and go for God’s presence like never before. Hang in there in His presence and His WORD by praying in the spirit and speaking His word. These perform wonders ICor14:4!!! Pray in the Spirit like never before and refire. James 1:19:20. You would need a lot of patience, be swift to hear and slow to speak cause so many people may judge you based on your pain, but just let it all go, and refuse to react in pain. THE SECRET TO STAYING BEAUTIFUL IS HIS WORD AND HIS PRESENCE! The beautiful story continues….........

***I am blessed to have someone share this with me, it takes experiencing pain for a lot of people to realize the truths in this message but alas, not everybody learns the lessons, even after going through trials. We still have loads of brothers and sisters harbouring hurts and pain from the past, walking in unforgiveness and being unable to let go and grow to be a better person. No matter how hard and profound what happens, it doesn't matter, your peace of mind and destiny are so much more important than the rocks life throws at you. We have a very present help to run to, He's ever faithful, ever near, ever true. Reach out to God and watch Him transform your life such that you wont even recognize it.

So this is kinda different from my usual love posts, not to worry, I'll be back at ya with some lovey dovey stuff real soon! :D

Muchos Lovos! 

Stop the Pain, NOT Your Life! 3

You can read the previous posts here and here

Above all, I knew deep down in my heart that all these emotions were not going to take me anywhere, I couldn’t even pray, and I knew that I couldn’t carry on that way for too long. I wouldn’t have lasted long if I had carried on that way for long, cause I was going to wreck my mind and health If I so did, I had to wake up to REALITY, I had to face myself in the mirror and tell myself the stark undiluted truth –There is absolutely nothing that could be done to change or rectify what had already happened, it was already in the past and I had to treat it as such - THE PAST!

I kept telling myself over and over “It’s all in the past, my past will not affect my present or my future and I choose to let go and move on”. I wasn’t exactly liking or feeling what I was saying, but I just kept saying it. With the help of my senior pastor, I kept pushing ahead. I would remember him, and I would push further. His help I cannot over emphasize because he was there for me. By choosing to let go, I was able to do a proper evaluation of what had happened, I took responsibility for where I had made mistakes, I took to lessons that could be learned, new and better ways of doing things if I was given another opportunity and if I was to go through that situation and circumstance again. I generally learnt to be a better person. Somehow, the knowledge and realization that I had become a better person for it made me start feeling good about myself. That feeling of ‘goodness’ however little did a lot of magic, and it did me a world of good. I was beginning to get excited that I had become a better person.

I started practicing God’s presence again on my own, I would call God, and not be able to say another word, sometimes I would only be able to say “God help me please” but I stayed there. I would stay there and all I would be able to do is playing a song repeatedly and not  be able to sing it but I just kept staying there. It later became a heart to heart communication with God, I still could not say a word to God, but my heart started communing and crying out to God. In my heart, I would pour out my heart to God telling Him exactly how I felt leaving no details out. I told Him that I didn’t feel like talking to Him, but that I didn’t have a choice; I told Him that I wanted to go have random sex, I told Him that I felt very lonely and I needed someone to hold me, I told Him that I was angry at Him for watching me all those painful years, I told Him that I wanted to just disappear and just relocate to another side of the planet where I could start a fresh clean life with no histories, I told Him all sorts, but above all, I told Him that doing all these things won’t help me, and I needed Him to help me. I told Him that I needed Him DESPERATELY because I didn’t want to go crazy with the loneliness or the pain and anguish.

In dealing with the pain, I couldn’t cry for a long time, but in one of those heart to heart sessions with God, I broke down in heart wrenching sobs. Believe it or not, I cried in a way that I have never cried all my life. The tears just kept flowing non-stop and it was almost like I couldn’t stop myself from crying. All the tears that I had bottled up whilst trying to play the ‘macho gurl’ came springing forth non-stop, and the tears continued throughout that day, after which I actually began to feel alive and better again. I had become broken by the presence of the Holy Spirit, and He had begun a good work in me on every side.

In my sessions with God, my talking started gradually and in His presence I got my daily dose of strength to face the world and the healing to embrace the future! Wow! Because God lives, we can always face tomorrow, my healing process had kicked into gear one! I received the comfort of the Holy Spirit!

In His continued presence, I started experiencing His love again; I experienced His PEACE, His JOY. I felt so much love and joy that I couldn’t hide it anymore. Left, right, center, people said I was glowing, they wanted to know the secret, but alas, it was GOD AND GOD ALONE!

Guess what?! Things in my life started responding to the change in me. The joy of the Lord filled me so much and transformed me such that I got better at my job in the office, got redeployed and promoted to a department that I had always wanted to build a career in; I made new friends and generally just moved on in every sphere. I gave out most of my old stuff and I started living my excited rebranded life. Yay!!! I was back, not just back, but BIGGER AND BETTER!

My change was so evident that people (even those that condemned me) became curious as to what was going on in my life. I became a mystery they needed to unravel.

I really can’t say that this is the exact day, method or style God used in seeing me through, all I did was to hang in there with Him and I just REFUSED to let go. Nobody can do this part for you my dear; you have to DO IT YOURSELF! The best people can do for you will be to try and be there but you have to win this battle yourself in the place of prayer and fellowship with God.

Attitude: You may be going through deep pain, but keep your head above water, and don’t let that pain make you become a pain to other people. Your attitude must be top notch such that you don’t make matters worse for yourself. Be humble enough to receive grace and strength from our Father, and maintain the right attitude towards people too. It’s God and GOD ALONE peeps; only Him can do that which He alone as God can do. Don’t misunderstand this for Accountability; you need the right people around you to hold you up when you are down and hold your hand while the battle is raging, but ultimately, only GOD HEALS AND RESTORES COMPLETELY! Don’t let go, just hang in there.

The arm of flesh will fail you if you trust in them, it failed me BIG TIME! I didn’t have any other choice but to face God squarely, and I stayed there, even when it didn’t make sense to me. I had nowhere else to go for succor or strength. The beauty of it all was that, He didn’t leave me, He didn’t forsake me, He didn’t get tired of me, He didn’t give up on me, instead, He HEALED ME, HE RESTORED ME, HE GAVE ME BACK A BIGGER AND BETTER LIFE, HE FILLED MY MOUTH ONCE AGAIN WITH SO MUCH SINGING, HE GAVE ME NEW STEPS OF REJOICING, HE GAVE ME NEW REASONS TO DANCE, HE GAVE ME SO MUCH JOY and guess what? It CAN ONLY GET BETTER, because the path of the just is like a shining light that shines brighter and brighter unto the perfect day! Halleluiah.

Some of the scriptures that helped me are: James 5:14-16; Eccl.4:9-10; 1Cor.14:4; James 1:2-4, James1:19-20; James 4:8, 1Peter 2:24 and Jer. 29:11-13.

The story concludes in the next post :)

Stop the Pain, NOT Your Life! 2

Lesson one continued from the previous post

1.       Accountability: Accountability is in two forms namely vertical and horizontal.

a)      Vertical: In this context, it means submitting to people that have been placed over you as spiritual leaders/elders or pastors. I did that by leveraging on the relationship I had established with my pastors which allowed me to be open to them about my issues. I maintained this openness during my trying times by consistently speaking to my senior pastors about the situation of things. They were aware of my pain, and they helped a great deal. The pastors were always willing to hear everything I had to say even times when I did not have anything to say and all I needed was just a shoulder to lean on.

b)     Horizontal: This form of accountability is to your friends that are mature and have integrity. They play a key role as well, because your pastors and spiritual leaders would not always be available as they are usually very busy and need to attend to so many other people and things, but your true friends whom you relate to on the same level would always have time for you and be able to understand and go through with you on your level. They play a vital role that your pastors cannot play. It’s important to always have the right association of friends around you. They always come in handy as you would for someone else. 

The words of encouragement I received from these relationships in my life kept me going and I knew that I was not condemned by all, some people still loved me and I was glad.  

Lesson Two: Accept what has happened as the past and let it go! Acceptance is KEY! Evaluate the situation and learn from it without playing the blame game. Assess the whole event objectively; take responsibility where you ought to and MOVE ON! Make up your mind not to let the past ruin your present or your future, and most importantly, FORGIVE whoever is involved that has caused you pain, grief or hurt. Be it yourself, forgive yourself and move on. Forgiveness starts with a conscious decision and it helps you to let go and move on. Without forgiveness, you won’t be able to move on completely and you would be scarred for as long as the unforgiveness remains. No amount of unforgiveness can repay how you feel, so what’s the point?!!! Let it go! You deserve a better life, not one filled with anger or bitterness. You are too much for all that crap!

In my own case, when I made the conscious decision to forgive, I realized that with time I started praying for the parties involved, instead of hating them and casting blames. I made excuses for them, and I just moved on. I also forgave myself for the mistakes I made and I kept improving myself, turning to God’s word to renew my mind like never before and I depended solely on the Holy Spirit. It was a tough one, but God’s grace saw me through. I had done a profound evaluation of the whole process and I had learnt and grown. It became my sincere heart desire for the parties involved to learn and grow too, and the only way I could reach out to them was to pray for them.

I had finally let go of the event, but there was still pain and grief somewhat and I still lacked my energy, the zeal to live life was nowhere to be found. You may say to yourself “How sure am I that she even knows how I feel or the depth of what I am going through?” Well, I may not know exactly how you feel, but believe me when I say that I have felt deep excruciating soulful pain, and I have dealt with pain, and here I am today standing and sharing my victory over it. When I had that ordeal, I seriously had no clue as to how I was going to face the world, the society, church folks, my family members or even my everyday life. I literally thought that the earth was going to open up and swallow me, because truly I felt that there was no point living anymore. I struggled with so much hurt, pain, low self-esteem, rejection, anger, depression, hatred, betrayal, condemnation and regret. So many conflicting emotions and thoughts raged through my heart piercing my every moment. It was a period of torture for me. I felt so stupid at having “wasted” tangible years of my youthful life at something the court dissolved! Did it mean that I had willfully just thrown about 4/5years of my life into “nothingness”? I was inconsolable. I felt like a huge failure, like what on earth was I thinking or doing all these years, to what end??? Wow! That was a blow that I felt for a while. I remember each time I had to appear in court, I left the courtroom with the memory of the eyes of the judge, several lawyers, the sociologist, the psychologist, and members of the public in court on my frame as I stood within the box barely hearing my own words waiting for the verdict. It seemed as if my whole world had just collapsed! The future seemed so bleak, and I literally felt like I was not going to make it.

My pain worsened when some of my family members revolted against me at having soiled the Christian name and faith of the home, some were of the opinion that I was very stupid and had not represented the family name well. Alas! I was a disgrace to them.

It was so bad I couldn’t pray, and truth be told, there were times I couldn’t even be bothered, but other times, I knew that I had to get back to my altar, because it was my place of strength, wisdom and power, my prayer house, my place of fulfillment…so what did I do? I felt very numb and I was in deep shock, I couldn’t feel a thing, it was so hard for me to accept that life would just continue and go on as usual, I would go to church and wouldn’t hear a word that was preached or said, but somehow I knew that I had to hang in there for my dear life.

Part three coming up shortly.......... 

Stop the Pain, NOT Your Life! 1

'Life has a way of bringing hard times that can mess with your peace of mind, but don't let the troubles on the outside take the love you have on the inside....' 

Each time I listen to Deitrick Haddon sing those words, I nod in total agreement that life sometimes can feel like all hell let loose on you and you are so down and strung out because you cant seem to figure a way out. I will be sharing a story that has encouraged me and taught me a thing or two about how to get up and back on the horse when life knocks me down. It is inevitable that we would get the ugly part of life, we would go through trials, storms, tests, tribulation BUT we can be victorious and come out stronger and better if we set out to be. This is told by one who has been there..............................

When a lot of people go through pain, life’s issues, life’s challenges, they oftentimes do not know how to deal with the pain or go about it. Sometimes the pain is so heart wrenching and cuts so deep that they become numb and estranged to themselves. Sometimes it is cloudy and biting, and all it wants to make one do is go drinking, go have sex, go on a wild dancing spree or generally do something crazy like take out the feeling of pain on someone or something or even generally indulge one’s emotions by snapping at people, eating junk, going on a spending spree and not caring how much you spend and generally losing every sense of care and caution!

Usually, in most cases, people around can’t even help because they do not appreciate what one is going through. This often brings a feeling of loneliness which makes one feel worse especially when these people from whom love, understanding and comfort are expected turn round to condemn and even avoid. Some people do not know how to handle these feelings and so begin to contemplate suicide.  Are the options mentioned above really the best way to deal with pain, or are they the only ways to deal with the pain…do people really have to take out their frustrations this way? Are these the only ways to have a clean cut breakthrough out of the pain? Could this be the only way to get closure on the past? Trust me, the answer is NO!

Let me share my personal experience with you and how I became BETTER, STRONGER, and WISER with it!

I am a young, born-again, spirit-filled, beautiful, purposeful, gainfully-employed lady but my marriage just ended in a divorce court! Did that sound funny? Well, it happened. I lost a marriage that I had invested about 4/5 years of my youthful life into. Like every other marriage, we had issues but I was sure things could and would get better but the marriage came to a point where it couldn’t go on anymore…things just got too complicated and unfortunately, the marriage had to be dissolved in court!

Much more than the issues we had in the marriage which were hurting enough, the dissolution hit me deep, it ate into my very soul and it cost me my sleep for several weeks. Going through that whole experience wasn’t fun for me at all, I felt like doing all the things I mentioned above: indulging my emotions by going on a wild alcohol spree, having random sex, eating a whole house down, slapping and screaming down the next person that would dare ask me what happened and all sorts of confusing emotions were constantly raging at my heart. At that time, it was an ordeal I never would have imagined I would go through. I remember finishing a whole bucket of ice-cream in a sitting (please don’t open your eyes wide in surprise, I look back, and I am amazed myself), I also remember finishing a whole pack of cornflakes, golden morn, several bars of chocolates, a tin of Milo plus regular food all in two (2) days! Thank God I did not loose my shape like I had lost every sense of right judgment; I also had to deal with low self-esteem. My situation made me feel ugly and insecure from within. This made me almost fall prey into the arms of a friend of mine. He was so kind and gentle towards me, at that time, he was my rock and he helped me a lot when I needed a friend, he always covered my tracks so well for me, he became my best pal. It took God for me not to have sex with him; it was a tough one, but all thanks to God I overcame…whew!  

All these feelings I felt were beyond the surface, they ran deep and I am grateful to God who did not leave me or give up on me. He saw me through it all, and even when I fell, He caught me right on time! During this time that I was feeling all these conflicting emotions, I knew deep down in my spirit that giving in to my emotions would only make matters worse, and not better, but even at that, wisdom was not wise to me at all, and I was ready to damn every consequence but… Yes, there was a “BUT” and it was the only thing that kept ringing in my head and kept me from and in check that I did not go overboard: ACCOUNTABILITY!

There are lessons that I learnt during this phase of my life which I would like to share:

Lesson One: No matter how much it seems that no one understands you or feels your pain, NEVER TRY TO GO THROUGH PAIN ALONE!

James 5: 14-15 says “Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven”. Friends, the prayer of the elders also works for the sick in heart. Maximize your spiritual elders/leaders.

Also, Eccl. 4:9-10 says that “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor, for if they fall, one will lift up his companion, but woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to lift him up”. This scripture encourages you to have someone that can hold you up, even when you are down. I strongly believe that one of the major reasons why I didn’t completely go wild and loose, was because even when I couldn’t pray for myself, I had people praying for me and so I was not alone. I had people who were lifting me up in prayers especially my pastors and some of my friends. These people are very dear to me now and I am sure God will reward them bountifully!

Thank God I had an established relationship with the people above and on the same level with me in life with whom I was and stayed open during the whole ordeal. This was my first stage of RECOVERY which was going on even when it seemed things were going from bad to worse. 

To be continued...........

Christian Playa

Happy New Year! Yea, I know, its February….better late than never. I am sorry I have been off this space for about 5 months, a lot kept me away and I cannot apologize enough for not posting anything all this while. Sometimes, when we wish for things, we don’t fully comprehend what they can do to us, but I’m happy to say Omoregee is back! Faithfuls, I thank you and I wanna to let you know the Flow Bearer will be bringing to you the Flows from the Fountain more often now.

This is for my fellas :)

Act 1: Guy meets gal, Guy likes Gal and approaches her for a relationship. Gal gets to know Guy, starts too really like him and has more or less fallen for him. Guy reaches that point where he is supposed to commit but for some reasons (and trust, they were a whole lot of them) he be holding back. Gal is patient and doing the right things to be sure she is not the one holding him back from commitment. Then some lady asks Gal if it’s ok for her sister to date Guy seeing he’s asked her out and she noticed Gal and Guy are ‘good friends’?

Act 2: Babe be chilling on her own, doing her own thing, minding her business when Dude comes along and is acting like he all love struck. Babe finally decides to notice him and actually starts to like him. They getting along fine, Dude can’t stop talking about how great Babe is and how she fits his ideal woman picture and also about how he can’t ask her out just yet because he needs time to sort himself out. Babe is like fine, do what you gotta do, sort yourself out, then Babe finds out Dude actually already got himself sorted out……..with someone else…….

Act 3: Bobo is hot on Sisi’s chase, and is bent on catching her, been on it for awhile actually…..he does catch her and they got a good thing going on. All of a sudden, Bobo is forming busy and Sisi is trying to be understanding but how do you understand after 4 years of being together, Bobo says you are not compatible? Especially when there’s someone else in the equation?

Act 4: Lad and Lass are feeling each other alright; the feeling is mutual and something seems in the works. Lad is saying all the right things, doing all the right things and Lass gradually lets her resistance go day by day but just at about the time when Lass asks for a real commitment, Lad suddenly don’t speako no English……..he dumb all of a sudden and can’t comprehend what she is asking for.

Act 5: Missy and Max have been in a relationship for 3 years, but in the past 3 months, Missy has seen little of Max and has been worried, but she is also preparing for her final exam which puts a lot of pressure on her. Then she gets a call few weeks to exam, someone telling her Max would be getting married the next Saturday and she wasn’t the bride. Of course, she had a resit.

Ok, no, not a figment of my imagination; they are real and actually happened! Christian folks y’all! It’s a trend I have observed nowadays, playas in the church! I know we have a mixture of different people in the congregation, its God’s house and all His children are welcome but I thought a real Christian brother was supposed to bend it like Christ?

You see these brothers are subtle, they come with seemingly good intentions, and I want to believe they are so, but in the end, they turn out to be users and a deceitful lot. I don’t want to believe they set out to toil with a woman’s emotions and feelings; I don’t want to believe they start out to be this way, but somewhere along the line, this is who they are……when they do what they do. When it’s all said and done, the intentions don’t matter, what matters is what has been done. Brother, get it together!

I understand about a man taking his time to count the cost before he makes a commitment. I understand about a man taking out time to study his prospect to see if she is right for him, what I don’t understand though is how a man can be pursuing 2/3 women at the same time? Am I way out of my cocoon’s nest to think it is wrong to do this? You see this ain’t like shopping for a house or school, there are options alright but the consideration should be done BEFORE pursuing that option, for once you are in pursuit of your prospect and you also pursue other options at the same time, you come across as confused. A male friend once said to me, ‘if a guy can be singular in his pursuit of a woman, he is most likely to get her’ I wondered about this and the supporting ideology. I asked him to explain and he said, ‘there is a way a guy comes across when his eyes are on one prize. You can see the seriousness and sincerity in him, he gives it his all because he intends to win’. Ladies are very emotional beings and the guys know this, if you are not sure about an option, it happens, take time out to properly consider but try not to get involved emotionally until you have clarity because things are not pretty when emotions and expectations are messed up. God is good brother, but you will reap what you sow, Watch it!

And why oh why is it difficult to pay the prize when you been all up in the product? You have been enjoying the relationship but when it’s time to commit, you turn around and run. If a man has no intention to go all the way, I believe he has no business coming close, really. Emotions and feelings as fleeting as they may be should not be toiled with; the effects can be very astounding. It’s different when along the way, you find out things you can’t cope with or issues that present incompatibility. No biggie, do the right and honourable thing, have a conversation, dust up and keep it moving but when you want to enjoy the goods without paying the prize, that’s just wrong. Yes, I know there are some ladies who give it up and make it so easy, but dear Christian Brother, should that bring out the playa in you? What would Jesus do?

Ladies, I know we are emotionally susceptible to attention and some sweet words, we like to hear how we rock his world and how we are wonderful, amazing and any man would be lucky to have us, but it’s about time we stop listening and start watching. Watch his actions; do they rhyme with his talk? Watch what he isn’t saying, don’t ignore that inner voice to check that stuff you noticed, the inner voice is usually right. There’s no justifying what a playa does but the truth actually is if he has no one to play with, there ain’t gonna be anyone getting played. Stop letting it go the minute a brother smiles at you, smile back and keep it moving, if he wants you, let him chase you and while he is chasing, be sure he gat what it takes to buy before you sell out, no point crying over spilt milk. We can keep our emotions in check till we are sure it is for real. We have a lot to protect, our self esteem, our dignity, our hearts- the essence of our beings, our future, our destiny and if some brothers don’t recognize the importance of these things, we owe it to ourselves to teach ‘em and let them know that a woman is a treasure not to be toiled with.

Mo’

Attracted BUT committed………..

I love to shop but usually my company at such times don’t like me very much: D. Well, can’t blame ‘em…………I leave ‘em eyez rolling, feet stamping n head shaking…..hehehehe. This is because I am an extremely choosy person n usually it takes a long while before I make a choice. You see, I like to sample all options available to be sure I am getting the best that there is…….good value for my money. Then after narrowing down my options comes the herculean task of choosing the winner. It is not an easy feat you see, because just when I think I have finally made a choice, I notice something in another shop that makes me second guess my first choice. This is why I like to have company when I shop…..a second opinion helps even if I wear ‘em out n leave ‘em tired n spent *smiles*

Variety is the spice of life. The fact that you n I like different things makes it all interesting. What I decide is fabulous may be crap to you but the beauty of it is…….it’s my choice, I get to live with it n so I get a say….it’s my call. And so when you make choices and decisions, it is imperative that the focus is on you- your ideologies, your values, your desire, your dream, your vision, your life. Never make decisions to please anyone- not your parents, nor your pastor, nor your friends, not even your ego. We need to realize that after all is said and done, we get to live with our choices…..so you best be choosing right. Note though, it is wise to honour people in making decisions, but it shouldn’t be focused on them…..if you understand what I mean.

So, say I purchase a bag n somehow two days later, I just find it distasteful or I notice a new arrival which looks fierce n seems to have my name on it. Now, my budget is tight but I can’t live with my first purchase, not after seeing the new looker…so, what do I do? For some shops, I could return n buy the new catch or I sell to someone and buy the other with the money from the sales. Either ways, I can get rid of my first buy…….I’m not stuck with it…..great innit?

It’s interesting though…..have you noticed? That the moment you make a purchase, you begin to see other options you feel you should have gone for, other items become more attractive and you start to feel like you didn’t buy right. You get home n you are unhappy with the items in the bag. When I feel this way, I literarily have to encourage myself n say Mo’ you made a good choice gal. You took your eyes to the market. Then I get my ‘company’ to affirm that I made a good choice so I can breathe easy n enjoy my new buy.

Have you noticed that just when you decide to take that step to commit to a relationship and a person…….you suddenly begin to notice other options that seem very attractive n like a better deal? You feel you should have been more patient in choosing, especially if you had to choose from quite a number of options. Especially after you have been together for awhile……say 2/3 years, and are probably having issues or some distress…….you suddenly get the notion that you can do better n hey! You probably can……..but, how sure are you?

Illusions, delusions, fantasy. Very sweet but when the chips are down, not pretty at all. ‘ The proof of the pudding lies in the eating’………what if you can’t eat this pudding before buying, then what…..what do you do? How do you stay strong, firm and true to your choice without betraying trust?

I see this happen a lot around me. A guy/gal is in a relationship, committed to another but cannot seem to stop thinking about that colleague or that one you met at the retreat, business meeting, club who seems to really understand you and connect with you. You have a rewarding relationship yet you find yourself drawn to another n it seems like a better deal….you begin to think, I can do better, this is more like ‘it’, this is what I need and then you decide to switch…..but, just before you do, take a minute to consider some odds.

Unfortunately, this aint a bag, dress, shoe or college application. You are dealing with a human being with feelings and emotions, in a situation that can direct the course of your life. The ish is, many a times its all an appearance…..it seems like the new option is the way to go, but then you have to ask yourself why you made your first choice initially? You need to go back to the foundation of your choice. What influenced it? What guided it? Upon what was it based? What were your convictions? What made him/her stand out? The answers to these questions will help you see clearly. They will remind you about the genesis of your choice. The truth is, there are always options, but understanding our values which influence our choices will help us stick to n honour them. What’s more, when you have a word- a revealed conviction about your choice, it helps to stick to it against all odds and distractions.

For how long shall you switch? So, when the next ‘real deal’ comes along, you move again? How rewarding is that? Hey guys, I love you but errrrrrr this is peculiar to you. The good book agrees with me- Mal 2: 12-15. You can’t seem to get enough of the babes. You want to keep your commitment yet pursue other attractions and you don’t expect friction? You have a steady babe whom you intend to marry but you make room for some side shows…….you gotta be a man right? Where is trust? Why is it called commitment? It’s natural to be attracted to other people, that’s not a crime but what you do with that attraction is the clause. Not all attractions are meant to be pursued, have some self control. The real strength of a man is in his ability to stick to one woman and not cause a lot to ‘trip’. Manage your attractions, control them.

It’s ok to get tired of your relationship. It’s ok to meet someone else you prefer. It’s ok to want a change; at least you haven’t made a marriage covenant yet. There’s no crime in all these, but do what you have to do honorably. People are not items that get swapped on a whim. If you want someone else, end it with the first one and move on. If you are tired and you want a change, do the right thing. Your commitment makes you unreachable to other prospects, that’s why it’s called a commitment!!! Perhaps I’m old school, maybe I’m just too opinionated, whatever……all I’m saying is, if you are committed to another, pray honour it and treat that person with the respect they deserve, like you would want yourself treated. If you wanna pursue other attractions, end your commitment and let it live to its name. When people think they can eat their cake n have it, they end up having no cake at all.  While you are committed, its ok to be attracted to other options, but oh so not ok to pursue n explore them. My ten kobo! :D

Muchos lovos!

To Wanna be Starting Something……

Holla peeps! Miss me? :D

It’s been so long, too long! I sincerely apologize for being MIA. At first, I totally lost my writing mojo and just when Mo’ was about to ‘get her groove back’, work became really engaging. My boss recently got promoted and so it’s been a helluva of a workload, additional duties for me and here’s me trying to balance and get acquainted with the new responsibilities which gives me time for nothing more but work, work n some more work. I did try to do blog rounds whenever I could catch some CP time but I know I have missed a lot of gist! Oh well, it’ll get better, soon *fingers crossed* Meanwhile, here’s the flow this time- To Wanna be starting something…….. Enjoy!

Ok,  could you stop the wacko Jacko moves in your mind right now and stop humming for a bit to answer this- Who sets out to build a house and doesn’t stop to first consider its cost? Seriously, who does that? Or who sets his hand to a business and doesn’t stop to consider/envisage what it would entail? No one you know right? Didn’t think so too.

To embark on a fruitful journey, planning and cost evaluation are imperative. From saving for the trip, to making reservations, to shopping and packing up for the trip, it would require good planning to actualize a fruitful and rewarding trip, most of the time. Same as wanting to write an exam….we have to prepare for it to do great in it. ‘He who fails to plan, plans to fail’; this saying ain’t a cliché…it’s the gospel truth my brethren.

So, boy meets girl, and they are really feeling each other, the sparks are there, the chemistry is very on point and amongst all other prospects around them, they have never felt anything as profound as what they feel for each other. So, they decide to take it to the next level and make it official, they become an item.

I ask again, is it ok to begin to build a house just because you desire to or have the funds for it? Is it okay to buy an expensive wristwatch on your tight budget just because you like it? Is it ok to change your major like four times, just because your interest shifts? Is it also expedient to start a relationship just because you have feelings for each other?

Emotions are powerful and can decide a person’s mood and life, same as your thoughts. While feelings can be very profound, they usually are also very fleeting and misleading. One cannot afford to base his/her decisions on feelings, that’s a danger alert right there. What happens when the feeling is gone? When you begin to see clearly because the rain is gone? I cannot help but think that perhaps if people stopped to consider the cost and evaluate the dynamics of starting a relationship before committing to it, the number of breakups, divorces and casualties would reduce.

A relationship shouldn’t be based on what you feel for that person or how you feel about the person, it should be more about what you know about the person. A relationship should be founded on a number of convictions which should be focused and based on compatibility…..can two walk together except they agree?

A friend of mine recently had some boy drama. At least five guys were all around her, seeking to date her, but she particularly was drawn to one and as they interacted she found out she really liked him…….they were just about to make it official when an incidence occurred to cause a break, boy came back asking if they could still be an item and my girl told him she’d consider it. So, she did consider it and it was leaning in the direction of her feelings for him, but thank God for the prayer radar! When dude passed through that radar, he didn’t come through. Turns out he was just a two timing scumbag who was over 30 but had the maturity of an 18-year old! Now, my friend would have eventually discovered that about him, but if she hadn’t been patient with her feelings, if she hadn’t managed her emotions, she would have suffered not only a break up, but a waste of her energy, time and resources oh and some heartache to go with it.

I’m just saying dear people do not let your feelings and emotions decide your actions and decisions, let us try to manage our emotions and act based on what we know and not how we feel. To wanna be starting a relationship, I’m not saying your feelings don’t matter, of course they do! I would never go out with a guy I don’t have feelings for, what I mean though is that the feelings aren’t enough to even start. Back it up with a number of convictions, how compatible are you on many levels? Does he/she complement you well? We should make our decisions because of what we know rather than what we feel…..don’t just start out and see how it goes, if the foundation be faulty, I tell you ain’t building nothing, it would all crumble in due time, don’t build your house without counting its cost.

Give it time, time heals all diseases. Let your feelings and emotions pass through a lot of radars to see if it develops into something more substantial, see if it’s stable, see if it stands, see if you are not deluded. Time will reveal a lot to you. Now, I know there’s only so much you could get to know about a person, but the message is to know just about enough that you need to know to be convinced. It’s relative and that’s where values come to play- talk for another day. I also know that by giving it time, it doesn’t mean the relationship would work out, but the difference is that when you are not controlled by your emotions, you can make rational decisions. Even if the relationship doesn’t work out perhaps for some issues or reasons, you would have had a fruitful and enjoyable time together and can end it amicably. Save yourself some heartache baby, don’t start something only to end it 3 months later, oh that happens, and Ido know some. You feeling the boy/girl? Cool, take it easy and take him/her through a lot of radars. If he/she comes through, then you are good to go. Hey! It’s just my opinion…….:D

Muchos lovos!

This is for you…….mama’s boy.

Mothers are special. The things they do for a child, the sacrifices they make, the lengths they go to, the burdens they bear, oh, and the pain! Hours roll into days, screams and well sometimes the curses just to birth a child. The scares, the worries, the sleepless nights and the denials; characteristics of motherhood. A certainty is- they always say it is worth the entire ordeal. They do not seem to mind going through all they do because the satisfaction and joy in watching a child grow n develop is immeasurable.

Given all that a mother goes through to bring up her child to be relevant n on point, one may say that it is not surprising that she may be over protective and jealously guard her ‘investment’ from predators! Who dares fault her? Were this people there when she went through all that she did to train her baby? Did they bear the cost? How dare they tell her to let go n back off? They must be high on something eh? He who pays the piper should dictate the tune innit? Well, a mother can only do so much, but when it comes to marriage, as hard as it may be, she needs to back off to an extent, n do her guarding 007, James Bond style!

You may ask, what about fathers? I’m not focusing on the dads because even though they also play vital roles in their children’s lives, given few exceptions, I find out the bond isn’t usually as strong n tight as you will find it is with mothers n their kids. Perhaps it’s a gender thing, perhaps its because they didn’t carry the pregnancy n go through labor, whatever it is, it appears the bond between a mother n her child is usually strong n unbreakable. I mean, when extended family issues arise between a couple, it usually is about the mother-in-law!

So, a guy meets the woman of his dreams, grows to love her and marries her. She is supposed to now become his numero uno, his focus, and his queen….together, they are to build a family. Supposed, but not always the case. Okay, rewind and let’s check where this guy is coming from. He probably lost his father at a tender age n his mom struggled to cater for his needs. Perhaps his own story is about the mother that had to sell her jewellery n starve to see him through school. Whatever the scenario, in his opinion, his mom got him to where he is and he owes her everything n of course her word is ‘yes n amen’. How nice, quite touching, very noble but I’m telling you this kind of thinking might be his undoing.

Before you trip n mis-understand me, I’m not saying a guy shouldn’t be grateful to his parents or mom particularly for her labor of love, I’m not saying he should disregard her because he is married, I’m not saying she becomes less important because he took a wife……all this girl is saying is, a man should be able to define both positions clearly n audibly without any interference……the positions of his wife n mother. What am I about? Ok, take a chill pill n let’s see shall we?

The positions of a wife and mother are two very important and unique roles in a man’s life. One comes before the other. If the first one messed it up, the other would have to pay dearly for it, but if she did a fine job, the other enjoys the fruit of her labor. Perhaps this is why some mothers find it difficult to let their daughters-in law enjoy their sons; because they feel they did all the sowing! It may be a natural feeling, but is it Godly?

‘And a man shall leave his parents and cleave to his wife……and they shall become one.’ Forgive me, but I personally think the Word should have said ‘leave his mother’, really. I say this because many a men n women are still attached to their mama’s apron strings. Tied and all knotted up……..not willing to let go. Mama makes all the decisions for them, mama decides who their friends are, mama determines what school n course they study. Mama’s opinion is the way forward. Without mama, there’s no decision making, she’s like an oracle that has to be consulted, she gives the verdict. Their home is run based on her template and if he can wing it, she would determine what meals should be served! I believe mothers have noble intentions towards their kids but if some boundaries are overstepped, hey, trouble is in town!

A man that cannot manage his mom and her influences is putting his home in jeopardy. Most, if not every mother will want to interfere in the affairs of her son’s home, but I believe it behooves the man of the house to handle his business. There can never be two captains in the same ship, that would only birth chaos because the crew would be confused on whose orders to follow. If you ask me, the way I picture it is like a relay race…..with the eye on the prize. The focus is to see the man fulfill his God-given purpose and be fulfilled. Mama started the race, and at a particular point, it’s time to pass the baton to wifey. Now, in a relay race, once the baton is passed, the one who passed it has done his/her part and leaves the other, hoping and praying that he/she would come through. If he/she tries to interfere, the umpire blows the whistle and disqualifies that team. The goal hence goes down the drain; prize is lost.

Best shot? Partnership, work together. Once the common goal has been identified- to help this man be all that he would be, mama and wifey should partner up, each respecting the other and sticking to her part of the deal. Guyz need to realize that no matter how much your wife loves your mom; she doesn’t want her running her home. She may be grateful for her advice, tips and insight, but she doesn’t want mama calling the shots. The challenge most guyz face is trying to balance his affection between both of them, so one does not feel deficient. Hey, good call, but I ask, if a woman can make her husband her priority n focus, over her family and children, why is it hard for the man to do the same? Why does it always have to feel like a competition between mama n wifey? You don’t cook like my mom, you don’t know how to make it like mom does, I like it the way mom does it….etc. News flash! She’s never probably gonna do it like mama does, so get used to it! If she’s nice, she may be willing to learn from mama so she can please you, but hey……there’s no point trying to make her feel inadequate by comparing her to mama……..I wouldn’t do that if I were you!

I know of scenarios where the mom determines how much her son gives for monthly upkeep, where every career decision he makes is inclined to her without caring how the wife feels about it, where whatever his mom says, whether right or wrong takes pre-eminence over the affairs of the home. There’s no way the husband-wife bond can be made strong with this. God wasn’t deluded when he gave that Word. That big step into marriage is the final bustop on parental manipulation. Yes, listen to them, by all means seek their advice, but at the end of the day, what counts and matters and is priority should be what you and your wife have to say to each other. A man marries his wife, not his mother. The wife is the major stakeholder in a man’s life. She bears his children and can make or mar him. Boy, you better wise up. Bitterness, resentment and grudges aint good spices to cook up your home with. I’m just saying, if you want the best out of your wife, don’t alienate her, don’t make her feel she’s in second place, don’t make her feel like her opinions have to be sanctioned by a third party…….if she can make you her number one, she expects to be yours. I am yet to meet a woman who likes to be second in her man’s heart. Even the polygamous wives will tell you it ain’t beans at all.

If you have been careful to marry a good, Godly and ordained wife, she will love your mom just like you do…….she would be grateful to your mom because she knows without her influence, she wouldn’t have had you. So, bro, it’s on you to choose carefully and prayerfully and to define and manage both loves of your life. Oh, and while you are at it, it also would be nice if you can untie those apron strings bit by bit….till you are free. Hey, that’s the only way you are gonna get me, cos I am just so allergic to mama’s boyz! :D

Muchos Lovos