I long to say……..‘YES!’

 

………………but for now, all I seem to be saying is ‘NO’. 

I am inspired to write this because of some wonderful n peculiar set of people who at one point or the other in my twenty-something years have thought me worthy enough to be their girl.

This is to the numerous guyz (yeah, I’m hot like that…..wink) who have said, “Mo’, please be my lady”. I really wish it were that simple n it could have been affirmative; for some it was a big ‘no no’ but for some others, it was an ‘almost’ but in this case we all know almost doesn’t count.

You might wonder why I am doing this; well, I feel it’s been a long time coming. A whole lot of people have been bugging n asking about that LIST. The List that seems to determine the fate of dem brothers. Ha ha! Oh, maybe I don’t have a list, maybe I do, I know at a point I did sit down to write long page(s) of the qualities n values I would love my man to possess. I broke it down to the basics n frivolities-the die-hard ones n the ones I could do without. In my mind, I already had a template to check the poor unsuspecting guys n when they came along, you bet I did my check. 

Good Looks - CHECK! Fat Bank Account – CHECK! Shiny Wheels – CHECK! Fab Job – CHECK! 

OK, you know I’m kidding, but really that’s some peoples check list up there, makes me wonder if the babe is going for the guy or his ‘attaches’. Anywayz, I do my check too….but then a time came, no thanks to some influences when I started to think I was placing too much importance on The List n letting the ‘good guyz’ slip by me. I heard, ‘you iz too picky, too choosy’, ‘you need to amend your list and make it realistic’. I do agree, some of the qualities were a little juvenile, and so I ‘grew’ it up. Still, no candidate fitted the description. Oh, List-Guy, where are you?

Do I sound like you? Have you spent awhile amending and upgrading your list and still, that guy/lady remains MIA? Are you beginning to think you are asking for too much and you need to make your list ‘realistic’? Well, two things; 1- maybe it isn’t the List that needs to change per se but you and 2- maybe you are living in Fantasy Land.

A lot of us want our man/woman to be a certain way but have we taken time to work on us to be that way? You yearn for Mr./Missy Right, have you taken time to make yourself right? Do you think the person you are now can attract Mr./Missy Right to you? Are you well equipped to complement Mr./Missy Right in all wise? So, just maybe your List is fine, but you ain’t and the trick is once you change, your List invariably changes. You see, the List isn’t really about the other person, it’s all about you dearie. :D

Oh, and just maybe you are asking for too much. I know we all have a picture of whom n what we want, trust me, ain’t nobody got it down like I do, but really some of ‘em can be just fickle. It might be a lil difficult to find someone with the entire package, but if we can find 80%, we good yeah? On my list used to be- A Power Dresser! Now, don’t laugh! I feel if I can take time to work on my dress sense, my guy should also do the same, but recently, I had to amend that. My orientation changed n I realize it just might be me he needs to teach him how to ‘Power-dress’. You see, what I am saying is, things like that can be worked upon n learnt as long as the person is willing n teachable; that’s the quality to look out for- a teachable spirit. A person with that attitude can learn to do things different n better. While I would not go for someone with a totally off dress sense, I am open to a guy who may not be a Power Dresser but still knows that plain shirts are better on stripped pants, especially if they have different designs!

A lot of factors influence our choices and sometimes when the obvious doesn’t catch our fancy, we tend to be un-interested. I am so guilty of that but I realize it wouldn’t hurt to take a closer look- from a safe distance though (if you know what I mean) just to be double sure you observed right.

I know my list is not un-realistic because, I actually have met guyz who fit the description well enough, but the conditions weren’t right else, we may have been starting something. For as much as you know you are not being ethereal n fickle in your List, I plead with you, keep working on you n don’t touch that list! I ain’t contradicting me, get it right. You know you have worked on you and have invested in building n getting yourself ready for ‘the one’, then dearie, you deserve someone who also has taken time out to do the same! I don’t vote for settling. Please do not settle, perhaps due to pressure or perceived time-out. In as much as you know that your List-guy/lady abounds n they ain’t a pigment of your imagination, please be patient n wait for that one. Don’t toss off one of those vital qualities you know you cannot live without. E.g, for me, if a guy had all the points in my list down, but couldn’t connect n communicate effectively with me, it ain’t going nowhere. Communication I believe is the live wire of any relationship n it’s on my core qualities, we just have to have that connection!

To all my ‘chikers’ n ‘toasters’, I am sorry if I hurt your feelings, I am sorry if I dashed your hopes. I am sorry if I was harsh n unfeeling, all I did, I needed to do. I just need you to know, I am honored that you thought about me n felt I was worthy enough to share your life with, but alas! It would have been a living hell for incompatibility would have dealt with us. For all those I said ‘NO’ to, it wasn’t because you weren’t good enough, oh no, it solely was n is that - we just ain’t right for each other. My ‘NO’ gives you the opportunity to do better; it only means you just have to keep searching till you find ‘the one’. I realize it wasn’t what you hoped to hear, but really, you knew it was an option. A ‘NO’ shouldn’t be the end of the world. So, let’s shake hands and be friends while we both keep moving on to ‘the promised land’.

Much Love.

What a guy wants…..what a guy needs…..whatever makes him happy…..?

If anyone should ask what I want right now, the list would be- a fabulous job, a behd car, a new phone, IPad, hard drive, a beach house, trip to the Caribbean and if they can wing it- a husband. What do you want?

So, I did this check on FB recently, to get a feel of what the average man wants; note- I didn’t ask what a man wants from his woman, I just put, ‘What do men really want?’ and alas! The larger percentage bent towards demands from a woman (that goes to say they really can’t do without us, now whose world is it? Ha ha!)


P.S- FB is one of the most rewarding means for seeking information, if you know how to use it. It is interesting to know just about how much you can find out on facebook.


Well, the responses varied- from the guy that wants- a good job n a woman that brings happiness to the one who wants- real n rare love and the one who wants- a humble, sincere, intelligent, homely, responsible, mentally strong, caring and God-fearing lady, plus another who feels money and sex is about it. Trust me some answers were eye openers and some, downright hilarious but one particular one got my attention and got me thinking. This pal said and I quote, ‘This is really a tricky question, but lemme answer it this way. This response would be almost solely for the man you choose to love. It’s not something you can give to every man that comes your way although every man craves it. The absolute need is Respect (honour, submission) from his spouse. Not a form of subservience but in love. This crave of man is in the very essence of him, wired in his quest for dominion. Now the trick is once a man can get it from his immediate spouse, the rest is settled from his externals’. I kept turning this over and over in my mind, not because this was a first but it hit me somewhere close to ‘home’. Then I remembered what God said when he created Adam- the first man to ever live. He said, ‘Be fruitful n multiply. Dominate the earth and subdue it’ #gbam!. This was the very WORD……the rev.

It didn’t stop there, I got kinda excited, and so I decided to experiment. I tried this on a couple of unsuspecting male peeps n it worked. In that experiment, I discovered that even if a man doesn’t like you, but you make him feel special and like a king, he will begin to look your way. There’s seems to be something about making a man feel that he owns the world, at least your world that turns him on, so to speak.. Just make him feel like a king and he’d be tripping to please you. This isn’t hearsay, tried it, it worked.

I got excited because it was a challenge to me. On an average, I can be extremely independent and stubborn. My friends once nick-named me ‘no-nonsense’. I don’t condone rubbish, you mess up, I treat your case. Brethren, I started thinking, could this be a minus for me when I’m married? I know I am supposed to submit to my husband, but can I do that even when he messes up, makes me mad or is being irrational? It was reality check time.

I heard something few weeks ago……’the difference between an achiever and a wannabe achiever is confidence. When I thought about it, I had to agree, confidence is like a drug that gives one the leverage to do just about anything. You feel like you can take on the world and fear ain’t got nothing on you. Well, when a man has a woman’s (especially the one he loves) respect, admiration, attention and submission, he has that confidence, and it is a good feeling. Now, a man’s source of confidence shouldn’t necessarily be from his significant other, but when the odds around him are trying to put a damp on his spirit and bring him down, but there’s that one who has made it her duty to make him feel special and loved, those odds become less significant.

It is innate in a man to want to dominate. It is like his God-given role. He wants to be in charge and when he’s not, things aren’t ok. No man wants a woman who can’t listen and submit to him. One person’s gotta wear the pants, and it has to be him. Now, I ain’t married, so I cannot give you a first-hand experience on what submission to a husband should be, but I can tell you what I think.

I think it’s about allowing him take the lead, I think it’s about voicing my opinion but not always insisting on it. I think it’s about constant respect, no matter what he does or doesn’t do. I think it’s about meeting his needs, I think it’s about the way I talk to him, being able to disagree and differ without being overbearing. I think it’s about encouraging him relentlessly. I don’t think submission is enslavement neither do I think it’s about keeping quiet when you know he is wrong. I don’t think it’s about letting him take you for granted constantly neither do I think it’s about letting him get away with bad/destructive behavior.


Like that my pal wisely said, this ain’t for every man but for that special man….and He even said, ‘wives, be ye submissive unto your husbands’, not women, be submissive to men. The recipe I believe Christ gave for marriage is LOVE and SUBMISSION. ‘Husbands, love your wives……..’ ‘Wives, be submissive…….’ That says a whole lot.


Ok, this is just my opinion, am I wrong? What do you think?


Much love.

Valentine…….Yay?

I don’t know, but something tells me I haven’t really experienced ‘Valentine’ in the real sense of it. Perhaps I would be more certain if I actually knew what Valentine is or is supposed to be. Some say it’s a season of love; to love and show love. Others say it’s a time for lovers to specially appreciate each other. Yea, a lot of definitions come up when its Valentine day, but one thing every party seems to agree upon is LOVE, that’s the key word for Valentine.

So, Can I say we are celebrating love today? Are you celebrating love my friend? How? Is it just with that special someone? Is that what and how it’s meant to be? Shall love be personalized and customized? How many of us really do know and understand what love is all about anywayz?

I just got off chatting with a dear friend, oops; I meant arguing (smiling). Hey now, I’m not anti-guyz, I’m for real about that, but erm, of all the guyz who wanted to be my val and trust me they were quite a number (I’m a fine gal u know…hehehe), NONE of ‘em came bearing gifts; not even a call! Why? Oh, I’ll tell you why; I wasn’t committing myself. Okay! Maybe they don’t love me, but valentine is supposed to be about giving….or not?

Why do we have to love in anticipation of a reward? Hmmm? Why can’t we just love and expect nothing? Just give and give without expecting to receive even though you might receive. I stand to be corrected, but I wanna assume this guyz held back because I didn’t bear/show my encouragement and perhaps they doubted if it would be a worthy investment and before you start crucifying me guyz; just take awhile to ponder on what I’m saying…..it’s not just about the guyz though, ladies are guilty too, I just used that scenario to express my point.

Now, some relationship experts and human psychologists say ladies are naturally built to receive and guyz to give, I choose to talk about just humans now, let’s forget the gender. You can contest this but God originated love, it is who HE is. It’s HIS being. So, if He brought love to existence, He knows what love is about. He demonstrated unconditional love when Jesus died blameless for sinners. Now, you may say, ‘but He also expected our repentance, He bought us with that act’, but how  then can you explain His grace, mercy and forgiveness? His provision, protection and blessings even though you have done absolutely nothing to deserve them? Did He do all these for a reward too? I bet not!

I am nowhere near demonstrating unconditional love yet, but I can’t help but wonder how the world would be a better place if we tried it. Chocolates, cards, perfumes, teddy bears are changing locations today, but is this what Valentine really should be about? Just that special someone to spoil and be spoiled? What about those who don’t have to give? Those who have never been loved or know what it is to be loved?

Don’t get me wrong, it is wonderful to appreciate your loved ones today and one of the demonstrations of loving is giving, so, it’s also nice to exchange gifts but hey, don’t get carried away now and forget to actually show that love; let it reflect. It is kind, patient, suffers long, does not rejoice at evil, does not boast, does not demand its own…..it is selfless, true love that is. So, I ask, if your special one gave you nothing today even though you got everything for him/her, how would you feel? Would it be okay? Can you actually give without expecting to get anything in return? Sounds Herculean yea?

See peeps, I wouldn’t even front and say I’m there, but I realize that even though it would be nice to love and be loved; to give and receive…….the real essence of true loving is to do it unconditionally; no buts. So, as we celebrate love today, think about the nice and kind things you can do for people without getting a reward for it, then do them. Try to give off yourself without expecting a reward; the interesting thing though is that for as long as you give, you would always receive…maybe not from your recipient, but you would get back if you give, it’s a diehard principle. So, don’t be scared to give selflessly, He said you would get back good measure pressed down. Give with a cheerful heart, love genuinely, express unhindered.

It sounds like a not-to-easy-thing-to-do, but give it a trail, just for today yeah, and see how it goes. Remember, it is better to give than to receive…..I didn’t say it!

Happy Valentine,

Muah!

So, I Stylishly came here......

Oooookaay! Here goes! Something a lil different from my usual notes.
I am actually peeking between the fingers of both hands which I have fully covering my face, I know, its been awhile I blogged.......totally lost the drive and allowed other things take over.....the husband, the children....sighs (I really wish!)

Happy 2011 bloggers, may this year see you achieving your dreams and letting go to dream more!

Special thanks to LDP who has brought me here this year and adorned me with an award for 'Stylish and Versatile Blogger'...imagine my surprise.....me how? why? who? when? My first thought was, 'why mock me na?' but I realize that it has proved useful...at least here I am.

Seven gists about moi!


1. I am unashamedly partial to the color purple, you want me to like your shoe, bag, earring, top, skirt, toothbrush, comb...name it, just make sure its purple and I'ld be nodding my head. Of course, my wedding colors are purple and lilac!

2. I am a neatness freak! Got an award...Miss Tidy.....holler @ your gal. I get edgy and uncomfortable when I see things scattered and out of place.....trust me this has caused quite a number of hassles btw my friends n I, but I can't help it.....thats just the way I am.

3. I value friendships and go to lengths to cultivate 'em.....most of my close friends are peeps from my elementary school.....we stuck together, however, if I am taken for granted, I can tune off......just like that!

4. I have a weakness for cute, well built guyz....u know the whole six pacs and fine, clean boy look.......and so, if you know that thou art endowed, please be nice and put a long-sleeved shirt on......help a sister out.

5. I like to discuss and share about relationships; a lot! Little wonder my blog got founded on that n His flows rep that. You got relationship gist? I'm your gal.

6. I wear weaves more than I do my own hair.....I think it helps my hair grow well because I don't get to stress it and besides I can create and alter my look anytime I want to...they make me look fly, 'specially the short ones........yea, Ri Ri ain't gat nufin on me, Ha!

7. I saved this for last, but its definitely not the least. I LOVE God. Without His love, grace and mercy.....believe me, I woulda been a goner, but each day, He keeps demonstrating His love and I'm totally captivated.

So, thats me up there......and now, I pass the baton to these wonderful people- NakedSha, LDP , sis yemmie, Eve, Bigshot, De-Me-Stified, 2cute4u, Kennisbleglad, mwajimal,  Godson, Myne Whitman, Lightherlamp, Blogoratti, leggy, Scarlet.

I know most of you have been tagged but you are my chosen! Now, we want to know 7 things about you and you also bestow 15 peeps with this award......don't forget to acknowledge me o *wink*

Its bye for now people......

Much Love!

Missionary Dating: Dating with a mission?

MOTIVES; I remember that movie, do you? Shemar Moore was such a douche, thought he had it going on smooth and all, living the life and just throwing his weight around; wanting to eat his cake and have it (seriously, we all need to let it sink in that the moment we pop that ‘cake’ in, we say bye- bye). His childhood friend was a man on a mission; with a vision. You see, that sort of man is relentless and sometimes dangerous because he would do whatever it takes, in however long it takes to achieve his mission. His vision makes sure of that.




Okay, I’m not doing a recap or analogy of the movie. I just want us to wrap our heads around that word, motive- the reason(s) why we do the things we do. Sometimes, we do certain things out of reflex and cannot really explain why we did it. We just feel it’s the normal or right thingy to do, our gut tells us so. It may turn out to be for our good or we just may end up shooting ourselves in the leg. Either ways, we are responsible for our actions and decisions and so I believe that it’s very expedient that we are careful to look before we leap, as the old saying goes; whoever came up with that was genius! Perhaps the LOOK should be in blocks, italicized and underlined to give it its full credence. It means, shine your eyes, well well! So let’s get back to motives, ‘why do I do the things I do/ why do I want to do this?’ Do we pause to take this quiz before we act? This homework might save us some wrong moves if we devote time to it. Understanding is vital, key. ‘Wisdom is principal, but in all thy getting, get understanding’.



When it comes to choosing a partner, we all have a picture of the ‘ideal’ person we want. Mr. /Missy Right. We make a whole list of the diehard and wavy virtues. Now, here comes this person who has say 70-80% of what we want but when we really look at it, the vital part is missing. So, what should we do? Give it a try and hope we can get the person to change and be who we want them to be or just let it go and hope the next one would have those core qualities? Someone once said that I am too picky and choosy and all I have to do is find a guy who really loves me and I can make him to be who I want. It was stunning and unsettling to know that this kind of belief system exists. I have met guys that I really liked and would have wanted to start a relationship with but some vitals were just not in place and they were non negotiables. I admit, I did toy with the idea of the possibility of inculcating those vitals in them, no, scratch that, I tried but the whole experience was frustrating and emotionally draining, not at all worth it.



I don’t know where we get the impression that we can ‘change’ a man from. I think it might be easier to take a bull by its horns than change a man, especially if he is fully grown and set in his ways. Who is man to think he has the power to change his fellow being? Sweetie, we can only try, but if homeboy doesn’t see the light, he aint gonna be different. Change is more than just a switch, it is divine; it takes willingness, work, courage and discipline but most of all, a higher power to make a change because it is easier to stay in our comfort zone, at least we are sure of what that holds for us. How many times have we tried to stop or overcome a bad destructive habit but still find ourselves entangled in its web, chained down and unable to break free?



Moe meets Max, Moe is sold out to God, Max isn’t really that much into God but he has all the other qualities Moe desires in a man; handsome, dashing, caring, intelligent, polished, interesting, kind, generous and thoughtful- Max personified. So, Moe’s brain calculator comes on and she’s trying to do the math on how she can get Max to get serious with God, so they can get it going on. Bingo! I know. I would, ‘let my light so shine before Max that he might see he needs Jesus and come running unto Him’. Sounds like a plan, but to do that she had to be close to him, you see proximity brings about influence and that’s why we should watch those we allow come close to us; dating him seemed the only way. So, Moe sets about her missionary work, on a mission to spread the gospel which seems like the right thing to do. What Moe forgot to consider was that she had developed feelings for Max and her emotions were already running riot. Need I say her vision was beclouded? Well, Max saw that the only way he had a shot with Moe was to become a Jesus freak and he said to himself, ‘I can do that, as long as it gets me to the ‘promised land’. So, Max fakes it, uses Moe and dumps her. Where did she go wrong? She was only carrying out ‘The Great Commission’, or not.



Can we get real? Ok! I know He said, ‘go ye into the world and spread the gospel’ but I believe He also said, ‘wisdom is profitable unto man to direct’. Maybe Moe should have introduced Max to Brother Paul and she just may have seen how authentic Max was. Do not get me wrong. I am not saying we do not have the power of influence to make a person want to be different, but that’s all we gat. The actual change is up to that person. If the need and willingness to make a change isn’t there, we might just as well be wasting our time. Missionary dating is not a smart move because most times, emotions get in the way and because the other person sees how much we need them to be what they are not, they do what they gotta do to get what they want, whether genuine or not. Most times, there always is a casualty, some fingers get burnt. I think it’s high time we learn to first of all accept people for who they really are without pressurizing them to conform to who we want them to be. I am not saying people cannot change, change is definitely not overrated and I am a living witness to that, but my point is let him/her make that change willingly, don’t force it.



We all have our thresholds and what we can tolerate. This is what I think we should do, ask you, ‘can I cope with this person the way he/she is?’ We don’t have to like everything about the person but the weaknesses and missing vitals, if we were to start a relationship, can we cope with and without them? Can I accept this person for who he/she is right now?

We should also understand that I don’t mean refining and all, sometimes, we are in our raw potential state and it takes some people to bring out the gold in us, our relationships should rub off on us and make us better people. I’m talking about our desire to want to mold that guy/gal into our Mr./ Missy right when they obviously are not.



‘Who is he that sets out to build a house but does not first consider its cost?’ Bring the balance out. Weigh it. Strengths vs Weaknesses, reality check now. Can I handle those weaknesses, overlook and accept them? Perhaps yours may not seem like a missionary thingy, but that chic whom you have your eyes on and is so set and fine but cannot cook jack and you know you don’t play with your stomach; is it going to be an issue or you can overlook it, you berra ask somebody.



One of the best things about humans is our ability to change and transform into entirely new beings, a beautiful gift, very powerful phenomenon but it takes a whole lot to make it happen. I believe in sharing knowledge and what I believe to be right hoping someone would see the light and take a stand, but I’m not on a mission to save the world, I think Jesus already had that one covered. We can only try but where matters of the heart is concerned, it might be in our best interest to just talk the talk and hand it over The One who can make the change happen.



Much love.

Let him do the chase!

My phone beeps and I feel like I’m about to see a movie; this is because my message tone is the 20th Century Fox track, you know that one you hear just before the movie starts. Well, it got me thinking about the 20th century and all that has come with it; technology, modernization, information, communication, health, energy, family, fashion, education- wise. The jet age, life made easy. I think about the times when we had to go to NITEL to make international calls and now I just sit in my room and call my peeps miles away, times when it took about 3-4 days to register for a new school session, now all I have to do is go online and I’m done in a couple of hours. Innovation, development, growth, enlightenment-all the goodies the 20th century ushered in.




Well, naturally, the 20th century and relationships crossed my mind; how they used to do it ‘back in them days’ and how we roll now. The era of arranged marriages, where the groom doesn’t meet his bride until their wedding; the ‘good’ old days when a woman’s honor had to be proved by a certain red flag; the times when the man goes to work and the woman handles the home front, don’t you just love the 20th century? I mean nowadays, no one really cares if he marries a virgin or not, it’s no more a criteria to prove a woman is honorable, or is it? And a woman has equal right and say in the home because she makes the paper too and has it going on, yeah? Plus, a dude and chic can totally hook up randomly, thank God for facebook, the best ‘hook–up tool’ ever! Hmmmn.



This 20th century thingy has given many a parent white hair before their time, especially if they have to deal with teenagers; poor momma screaming to tear her son off play station to help out a little and pops going bananas when he walks in and finds ‘little’ Lucy making out with her boyfy. ‘Lighten up dad, we were JUST making out’. He he, now pops really gonna blow.



Ok, now don’t me wrong, I ain’t against the 20th century, I completely root for it; go jet age! Whoo! It’s done more good for me than harm, more pros than cons, however, my concern lies with the principles and values we allow to slip away while we blame it on the 20th century; the morals. Did the advent of the 20th century steal our ability to do things right?



My peeps and I were having girl talk awhile ago and someone shared about a person she knew who was madly, head over heels, going bananas in love with this guy, but he wasn’t making a move…..ooh ohh. So what should girlfriend do? Did I hear you say go after the guy? Ask him out? Well, that’s what she did! She made the first move. Told the guy she was feeling him and all that and they got it going on. He would come to her room, spend time with her, she would cook for him and shower him with care and attention. Then, dude calls her one day and asks for a break up and a week after that, he’s seeing another girl. Should I tell you what was learnt from the snoop? Boy didn’t really like the girl, sure he found her attractive but he wasn’t really into her and that’s why he didn’t make a move but when missy couldn’t hold out any more, and ‘toasted’ him, he was flattered and since he wasn’t hooked at that time, what could it hurt? So, he agreed, to buy time till he found the one he was looking for, and when he did, he bounced. That’s not all, the snoop also revealed from a reliable source that he said and I paraphrase, ‘I really do not appreciate a woman coming after me, if I want her, I want to do the chase’. This guy fall my hand o. Callous isn’t he?

Now, before we get all judgmental, I really wouldn’t blame the dude. I’m not saying he was right but I wouldn’t put it all on him, Missy should have listened to mama. Oh yeah. When mama said, go to school, read your books and become responsible and made then boys would follow, mama knew what she was about. I’m not anti dating in school, nah, that’s not what I mean; I’m up about the fact that it is a man’s GOD ordained position and calling to DO THE CHASE! You heard ladies! So, you think it’s cool to ask a guy out? I really should do a status check about that pretty soon, so my girls would know what guys really think.



A man knows and wants what he wants! It is in a man’s nature to conquer. It gives him a helluva of satisfaction to run after something and get it; it’s like winning a lottery. He’s proud of himself and he cherishes his ‘loot’ like crazy, that’s why they don’t give up easily. Now, here you come wanting to suck the joy and accomplishment out of that. Even if a guy likes you and intends to ask you out and you go ahead to make the first move, sweetheart, he might act thrilled, tripped and all, but he ain’t really cool with it, trust me. If a guy really wants you, he would come after you. That he hasn’t right now even when all the signs that he loves you are there tells you he’s thinking ‘the investment’ over; he wants to be sure you would be the right move and a worthwhile chase and if he doesn’t come after you, he’s just not that into you honey, period.



I wish a lot of ladies would save themselves heartbreaks and heartaches by letting some certain things take the natural course, even the bible says ‘He that findeth a wife…..’ That tells you, he does the finding; you just position yourself such that you would be found. Do what you gotta do to be found. A perfect example of this is Ruth in the bible. Now, we all have different analogies of this story, but I pondered on it and I realized that Ruth did not woo/chase Boaz, I don’t think she did. I think she merely positioned herself to be found. Now check, Boaz was already checking Ruth out and doing things to make her know he could take care of her, but he didn’t make a move because he wasn’t in the right position to and wasn’t sure how it would be taken. Ruth wasn’t even thinking about Boaz in that way but smart and matchmaking mother Naomi saw prospects and awoke Ruth from her slumber and taught her how to POSITION herself. Naomi did not teach Ruth to ask Boaz out. So, when Ruth handled her business, Boaz did the right thing and married her honorably.



Ladies, all we gotta do is know how to handle our business. If that guy you are ‘dying’ for is not noticing you, perhaps it’s because you don’t have what he is looking for. Work on yourself, get a life! Get busy; add value to yourself and the people around you. Be filled with genuine love and spread it. Show him all the good qualities you got without being unnecessarily suggestive. Let this not be said at the end of it all, ‘I didn’t really want this, you forced the relationship’, yeah, I’ve heard that before. Let it be glaring, without reasonable doubt that he sought you out and asked for you, make him work for it baby, you’re too loaded to come across as cheap. Protect your respect and self esteem; save yourself from humiliation and heartbreak, like my friend’s friend should have done. Don’t give his friends something to laugh about. I’m not saying play hard to get, that’s not good, what I’m saying is, let him do the asking. If he wants you, he’ll come after you, shy or not. For real. If a guy is too shy to chase the woman of his dreams, then you probably should think twice about that guy sweetie, put that radar on big time, he’s probably like that with some other vital things. It’s ok to like a guy and position yourself to let him know you are available, but puhhhleeeze, do not ask him out. Call me old fashioned or whatever, I’ve heard and seen enough to know that ‘the gospel according to ladies asking guys out’ just don’t pay! Ladies, just get busy doing your thing; sit pretty and let him work for it, let him DO THE CHASE!



P.s – This is just my honest opinion and isn’t necessarily ‘the standard’ it is subject to any counter argument. So, please, let me learn from you.





Much love.

YA-KA-TA!!!

I marvel at the way God sometimes gets through to us. May I just say that it ain’t until we hear a still small voice that God has spoken; He is too diverse to be boxed into that.


The way I was inspired to write this note is a little funny, though I wasn’t laughing then. I was in my room, PHCN as usual living up to their name ‘held’ the power supply. I had switched off my lamp as I was about to leave the room. I knew the way out, had passed that way uncountable times but I was still trying to get some little light from my phone when all of a sudden I found myself on the floor! My feet had hooked the bed and I came crashing hard on the floor, of course my poor phone joined me too. Thankfully, we made it up with minor bruises and no broken bones, but while I was yet still on the floor, trying to figure out what had just happened, from ‘nowhere’ came a clear thought, ‘this is what happens when you are detached from your power source and you try to walk without His light, you grope, stumble, and eventually fall’ Then the words started flowing and I realized it wasn’t ‘nowhere’.

‘Let he who is standing take heed lest he falls’ Even as we grow in our walk with Christ and get to overcome our weaknesses and strongholds progressively, no matter how old in Christ we are, if we do not take heed, we may and probably will fall. We cannot begin to qualify nor quantify the discovery that light brings. The advent of electricity revolutionized the world for good. When the Word enters us, it brings light (we see what we were other wisely blind to) and understanding comes to us. When you enter a mall stocked with loads of goods, if the mall is unlit and dark, you wouldn’t realize the ‘treasure’ in that place until light is brought to make you see what you might have missed.

A lot of us may not understand ourselves right now because we have not allowed God’s light in us. ‘I am the way, the truth, the LIGHT, no one comes to the Father except through me’ Jesus said that. He is God’s light. Have we allowed Him uninterrupted power supply in us, or we choose to operate like PHCN although in this case we are the ones who ‘switch off’ and disconnect ourselves from His constant and never failing supply? James 1:5, a version says if we do not know what to do, we should ask Him and He would gladly, ungrudgingly show us. ‘And you would hear a voice that says this is the way, walk in it’.

His light is constant for us to see, get wisdom, understanding and be ordered right, only if we decide to use it. A man in a ‘totally dark room’ cannot see his left from his right, doesn’t even know where he is standing and hence will be very confused and unfruitful. A man in a ‘partially dark room’ may see only to an extent and he would need to move slowly and grope to feel things lest he stumble and fall, but a man in a ‘brightly illuminated room’ has a very clear vision, he can see where everything is placed and has free, full and unrestricted movements. When we dwell in Him, we are like the man in the brightly illuminated room, our vision is sharp. He causes us to see beyond the normal and natural and we experience liberty to live to our fullness. When we let his light shine in and through our lives, it witnesses to people, they observe (notice and attracts) and bring glory to the Father (Matt 5:16).

No matter how long we have stayed in the light, once it is cut off, darkness sets in and we begin to lose our vision, become stagnant or restricted, stumble and invariably fall. I don’t know about you but I like ‘light’ and all it does for me and I have decided to stay connected to an uninterrupted source of light that my flow might be constant. That’s the only sure way. I am tired of the devil stealing from me, he likes to put believers in the dark, and while they are busy groping and trying to find their way, he’s stealing, killing and destroying, and they don’t even know it! Stealing ideas, stealing blessings, killing dreams, destroying destinies. Wouldn’t you agree it pays to have light?

How do we come to light? Jesus brings the light. He is our link. If you are confused, discouraged, stagnant and unprogressive, choked and boxed, tired and weary, oppressed and you feel like giving up, I suggest you don’t. I recommend The Light, Jesus to you. Even when you are not sure about you, because you are connected to the right source, an uninterrupted source you can depend on, you can cast your worries and trust Him to lead you. All things work for your good when you love God and are called (walk) according to His purpose. What would He have you do? Deut 10:12-13, no sacrifice, no heavy payments, just fear Him, walk in His ways, love Him, serve Him, obey Him and it will be well with you.

The Light causes you to see clearly, brings a sharp vision. Dr. Myles Munroe said, ‘without vision, a man has no leading’. I say WORD! Sometimes, a vision could mean understanding, which we know His Word is famous for. If things seem hazy right now, maybe you need to check if you are still connected to the source and if you are still connected, please stay connected, lest you fall down ya-ka-ta like I did while trying to leave the room (laughing).

Much love.

LIKE AIR; LIKE SALT

Let’s do this; you probably had it demonstrated to you before, or have even done it yourself, put your beautiful phalanges around your delicate n well sculptured neck and squeeze; I’m not talking about a girly squeeze now, squeeze like your life depends on it and of course it does!




There are many ingredients I have come to discover needed to make a tantalizing relationship work. Love, care, attention, devotion, giving, understanding, trust, sacrifice, commitment, selflessness, communication. All these ‘spices’ need to be added in the right quantities, based on the dish(persons) you are dealing with. Some people don’t ask for too much, they don’t like ‘spicy chicken’ they just need your love, commitment and trust, while some others are big on the ‘12- flavored ice cream’, they gotta have it all, your everything! The demands each person places on his/her partner vary from person to person. I have come to discover though that of all these ‘ingredients’, they are die hard ones which you cannot do without, they are like salt is to white rice, without them your relationship is tasteless, worthless n headed straight for the rock, or dust bin.

Communication my beloved pastor Bimm loved to say is the live wire of any relationship. Now, communication goes past just talking and having a conversation with someone, that could be blabbing and just doing some mouth exercise most of the time. Communication is only successful when you have a FEEDBACK i.e. when the purpose for which you have spoken is achieved or when an instruction you have passed along is carried out, then you can say you reached out and have successfully exchanged information and ideas. Communication is a willful thing, it’s something we choose to do or not, if one party is not given to communicating, then the exercise cannot be carried out, it involves the consent of two parties. One has to be willing to let go of the information he/she is withholding while the other has to be ready to LISTEN and PROCESS what the other person is trying to pass across.

It is also important to ask questions and make observations to avoid misconceptions or misconstrue things. It happens that in trying to pass the ideas/thoughts in our minds to our target, certain vital details could be lost or be ambiguous and therefore interpreted in a different way from the original idea, but when questions and observations are made, the initiator of the information download would know if he/she has reached his audience successfully or not.



Communication also isn’t just about words, matter of fact a person might not be talking to me but he is speaking volumes by his silence and of course redefining himself/herself to my perceptions, whether true or false the sad part is they wouldn’t know. Someone once told me I

have a tendency to nag and I had to educate the person on the difference between having a healthy conversation and harping on issues. You see, when someone hits me in a raw place, I like to iron it out with the person, and perhaps it was not intentional. I like the person to know this is what they have done wrong in a drama free and peaceful way and then I watch the response, that person’s feedback would determine my next action. Friends cannot be real with each other if they cannot say, ‘oh, you just hurt me now, why did you do that?’ A friend who keeps sweeping it under the carpet, pretending like nothing has happened, check it is soon to burst from resentment or emotional drain. Each time we go wrong, God finds a way to convict us, provided our conscience’s still intact!



The absence of communication in any relationship at all is the beginning of its death. I once argued that people could be tight friends without talking or communicating for days and months as I have friends like that but then I got to understand that in those times of silence, the relationship was dying or was dead and only resurrected when the life saver of communication was thrown into it. My emphasis though is the refusal of couples to talk about some things and iron issues out. Phrases like, ‘what more do you have to say?’ ‘I’d rather not talk about it’ ‘its best not discussed’ ‘let’s pretend it didn’t happen’ ‘I know what you are gonna say’ ‘I am NOT going to talk about this’. Sound familiar? All very selfish! You might as well be saying, ‘I have it all figured out and your opinion doesn’t really matter’ or ‘I’m closing up to all that has happened and I really don’t care if you take a hike’. Period!



How on earth do we think our relationships can work and grow if we don’t communicate? Our relationship with God is by communication. We relate with Him in communication and I’m sure we know it’s not all about ranting and offering petitions or supplications, we also need to get a feedback from God and that’s how we know His will. We talk to Him and we listen to Him talk to us.



Now, who’s wondering why things are not the way they used to be? How a ‘perfect love’ goes wrong?

The moment you allow communication slip out of your relationship, you are as well snuffing the life out of it. You come back home or get to see each other, you don’t catch up on how both your days went, important information that should be shared, issues that should be addressed and ironed out, actions that need to be taken and you wonder how trust became an issue and why she is no longer committed to you like she used to be? Beep, Beep, put your radar on and do a check!

You just might need to do a lil communication sprinkling to keep it real. Ok?




Much Love.

P.S- I apologise to my beloved peeps and blog followers for the 'break in the flows' the fountain was giving, the ink just wasn't into it, a lotta stuff was holding it but its back now. Cheers!

ONE STEP AT A TIME

I will forever be grateful to God for creating me a girl, but I wish sometimes that I came as a boy, I say to myself I would have done God ‘proud’ and times and situations that warrant this statement come up when I see the male specie so clueless about their women, yet they think they know it all!


Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, ‘of course she would think that way, she has a girls’ perspective!” True that. I am girl and so I think, talk, reason and behave like a girl would. I take up the emotional nature characteristic to women and naturally flow in the role set out for a woman. Some years back, I realized I didn’t know so much about guys and when I checked it, I found out that I didn’t have a lot of male friends, the larger percentage of my friend’s were females, blame it on my single sex secondary education. I knew I wanted to be married someday and I wanted to be able to understand my husband when he is communicating or not, and to have an insight into what ticks and moves him. So, I knew I had to get closer to guys and this increased the number of my male friends. We began to interact and as we did, I started seeing things I didn’t know before, through the questions I asked, I got information and a little bit of insight into how they are wired and what triggers their ‘network’. I didn’t want a warped view, so I took time out to study guys and while I wouldn’t claim to be a guru in the dealings and affairs of the male specie, I know I am better than who I used to be and my knowledge about them has definitely increased (and I am thanking my male friends for giving me the opportunity to learn about them) because as it is, the larger percentage of my friends are now guys, I just find them very interesting.

What am I saying? To know about something, you have to be willing to seek information about that thing and not just assume you know. When you study a thing long enough, when you quiz yourself about something for awhile, at a point, you begin to get a feedback and your mind just picks the information you need out. Our minds were created such that when we tax it, it develops. You would agree with me that what ticks a lady off, will probably have no effect on a man and these two species are very different in their dealings; or how do you explain the willingness of a woman to express her emotions when she loses a loved one while a man seeks to bottle his up so he can ‘be a man?’ or why a man seems to always wear a serious look and you wonder if he ever smiles, or why a boy naturally wants to be the boss of even his sisters when he is many years younger than they are? Or why a man can go berserk when you step on his ego? Our God is just awesome! The best sculptor that ever was and would be. The physical differences of both species are a wonder to ponder on too; a woman is tagged ‘a software’ while the man is called ‘a hardware’. Interesting, don’t you think?

Now, when you see or notice a person and you find out you want to get to know more about this person, you go ahead to first of all initiate (note that word) contact and you proceed from there. I used the word initiate because that part is sensitive. The first impression you give matters. I’m talking about approach and the manner of it, especially when we are dealing with the other specie. How on earth would a guy I know not from adam walk up to me, or send me a mail and qualify me as ‘babygal’, or ‘baby’ or ‘mami’ or ‘shorty/shawty’. Geez, I don’t know about everyone, but I speak for myself and my close friends that a guy who ‘enters’ with this automatically gets a ‘delete’. I don’t know where guys got the impression that ladies want to be addressed as such, but to me and mine, those are ‘pickup lines’ that earns an immediate distaste and disinterest. For real. Or a guy who has just initiated contact and hasn’t even had the opportunity to know just decides he is in love; say a lady meets a guy today, Monday and by the end of the week, he is proclaiming undying love, I tend to see such a guy as ‘unserious’. Likewise, when a lady meets a guy, especially if the interest is romantic and her next question is how much he earns, the guy gets the impression that she is sizing up his pocket, probably to exploit it, or a lady meets a guy and all she can talk about are his obvious flaws, be sure he would keep his distance. Men especially like to be celebrated and appreciated.

For every relationship that will blossom, there are stages involved. It will be a breach to jump from stage 1 to stage 7 so to speak. For me, I break it down into contact, acquaintance (getting to know), leveling, friendship, accountability, intimacy. I naturally get pissed when someone I just met is trying to jump to the accountability stage. I don’t know a thing about you and you expect me to be accountable to you? And don’t say it doesn’t happen, because it does! I don’t know about you, but I choose my friends and that largely depends on how much of the person I get to know. I am not friends with everyone I get acquainted with. I do this because I understand the gravity of what wrong relationships can do to a person’s life. Most guys these days are not willing to take things slow and steady, the instance they meet a girl they think they like, and contact has been initiated, they begin to rush the getting to know and friendship stages. Some don’t even get to the friendship stage before they begin to ask for intimacy. People, the next time a guy/lady says he/she loves you, reflect on how much this person knows about you and how much you have shared about each other and you could decipher if the person’s for real or just disillusioned. I say this because you cannot truly love what you don’t know, you can argue that, but it’s the truth.

Guys love to say ladies are complex and difficult to please, I say it’s because they haven’t bothered to know enough. You cannot just box every woman you meet into the status quo of their sex; each lady is an individual unique in her right. A guy who wants to woo or ‘chase’ a lady cannot just decide that if he does this and that, she’s gotta trip; that it worked on Salewa does not mean it would have any effect on Kanyinsola. You have to find out what particularly gets through to her. Some guys feel they are the most romantic people to ever live and no woman can resist their charm, but have you bothered to find out if you are charming the right way? For some ladies, sweet words make them ‘melt’, while to some it’s just the fact that you care a lot. Take time out to find out the best way to get your message across to her, get to know her, be her friend.

We should learn to let our relationships grow steadily. Communicating a lot helps growth. Ask questions. Seek information. Study the person because sometimes the words and actions might not match up. ‘Breathe slow’, take it one step at a time, there’s no reason to rush.

Much love.

TIME HEALS ALL 'DISEASES'

The saying ‘time and tide waits for no man’ is very true. Time lost is difficult if not impossible to get back. We cannot emphasize enough how imperative it is that time be maximized and utilized fruitfully. The saying, ‘make hay while the sun shines’ also qualifies how important it is to make the best of a season. Recognize your season and utilize it as fast as you can. There is also this saying, ‘the patient dog eats the fattest/biggest bone’ I would like to think of ‘patience’ here according to Strong’s Biblical Concordance which translates it to mean ‘consistency’ i.e. he who is patient(consistent) shall reap the best results and reward. How then do we match up these sayings and strike a balance?


Tick says the clock,

Tick tick,

What you have to do,

Do quick!

This nursery rhyme rhymes in my head right now and I think of how I often battle with procrastination; leaving till sometime later what I can and should do now! But that will be a discussion for another time, this note isn’t about procrastination, it is about the place of patience in our lives.

The average man wants and seeks instant gratification in his endeavors. You can remember how that wait to know your UME result almost ‘killed’ you, if you had your way you would have worked a system to get JAMB to release the results the same day you wrote the exams, or wanting to know how that job test/interview went and you just keep wondering what criteria and process they employed to make the call-back process take so long?

The bible says that for awhile the promises of God may not come and though they tarry, we should wait for them. ‘And we know that when we pray, the Father hears us and if He hears us, He answers our prayers according to how it pleases Him.’ This verse lets us know that each time we pray, God answers sharply, but it may take awhile to see the physical manifestation of our supplications. How patient enough are we to wait for it? Most times, we tend to lose heart when we do not get our requests and conclude that it is either God doesn’t want us to have what we’ve asked for or we are not properly aligned with God, and perhaps, just maybe the reason why you don’t have what you have asked for is because God is actually trying to work in you some patience, sort of a test, for how long can you tarry?

A lot of things I have come to find out produce and reveal their true state and nature when they go through the test of time, relationships and friendships especially. Ladies, you know when we buy that earring and the dealer is trying to convince us it is original gold/silver and won’t fade but just after six months, it begins to manifest in its true colour and ‘glory’, then we are convinced of the real worth of what we actually purchased. Relationships when tried through the time factor will reveal its true essence. Late Pastor Bimbo used to kick against a courtship of less than a year; personally, I think a year is actually not enough to spend with and get to know the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, it’s forever we are talking about here. I would say it should be for as long as you need to be convinced. While it is impossible to know everything about your intended before marriage, it is important to know as much as you can in whatever time that is required. Proximity is a factor here. When both partners have access to each other daily and can engage in meaningful conversations, preferably physical, the ‘getting –to – know’ process is faster, but where distance and communication constitute a barrier, it takes a longer time. There’s this Yoruba saying that likens a person’s character to smoke, it is very difficult to hide smoke. Through and in time, a person’s true character will begin to manifest, no matter how much he/she tries to hide or disguise it. The person will just slip up and we should be sensitive to these slip ups. Time will allow you meet with your partner’s family and relate well with them, observe him/her with the family, how they relate and the values they uphold, do they all believe the same thing or it’s just him/her? Time could be an ‘eye opener’ or ‘veil remover’ to some things you didn’t notice or refused to notice.

Due to their advancement age wise, some ladies tend to rush both the friendship and courtship stage because they do not want to lose the only suitor that has come their way in 5 years. A question they should stop to ask themselves is if they would rather be single than have an unhappy and unfulfilling marriage? A friend shared this story of his friend with me; she (his friend) was 35 years old with no man coming for her. She kept lamenting and worrying and when eventually a man looked her way, she didn’t waste time in getting him to the altar. So, they met 2 years after the wedding with her second pregnancy and when asked how the married life was, she said she was in hell and not marriage. Her husband was on transfer and she was actually praying that he wouldn’t return. I pray we wouldn’t regret the choices we make in haste and in the heat of the moment. While even with time, except the Holy Spirit reveals some things to us, we might not discover some truths about our partner and so it is imperative that we depend upon the Holy Spirit to bring us to the knowledge of all that we need to know about our partner before we commit ourselves.

The Holy Spirit births patience in us, it is one of His fruits. A lifelong commitment is not something that should be rushed into. While you may be singing, ‘let’s grow old together’ now, I pray the song wouldn’t turn to ‘I can see clearly now, the rain is gone’. Please be that patient ‘dog’ that gets the fattest bone. Let time try your relationship.

Much love.

REFINER'S FIRE.

I remember this saying my high school principal loved, ‘the heights that great men achieved was not by sudden flight but they while their mates were sleeping stayed awake, toiling’. We do know that gold in its very crude state has little or no value. We really cannot utilize or recognize its full potentials until it has been refined. Gold in its pure state is beautiful, expensive n valued, well sought after. Loads of women n men part with thousands n millions just to purchase gold. Now, even though in the crude state, the very beginning, it was gold, if it had stayed that way, its worth n essence would never have been realized. It had every capacity to function like gold because the metallic properties were the same, but because of the state of its quality, it didn’t look like ‘it’. It took work, fire, stress n refining to make the REAL n TRUE ‘it’ emerge.

A lot of people live in shadows of themselves, trying to find their real n true self, searching deep into their core to get self knowledge. Maybe some of us even know what we are about but we just discover that we operate below the capacity that we know we posses. Something within us tells us we should n can be better than we are right now. Well, as we know, if gold had just folded its arms n ‘refused’ to go thru the fire, it would have stayed just as it is; crude n underutilized. Talk about struggles; been there, done that. Confusion; I never seem to be able to make up my mind. Being me; I’m not even sure I understand what that means at times. Someone once said that the richest place on earth would be the graveyard because of the vast deposit of potentials n talents untapped n undiscovered buried there. In fear, a lot of us are afraid to reach out of our comfort zone. We are scared we would be judged, looked down on or scorned n so we prefer to stay where we are n are used to than take a leap of faith that may land us in 'hot soup'. If the eagle does not spread its wings, flight becomes impossible. If an aircraft doesn’t take off, it cannot fly. If we do not step out of our comfort area, progress becomes difficult.

Principles are no respecter of people, if you can play by the rules, you get the results. Practice brings to perfection, what you work at gets better. Confronting issues is a process to finding solutions. What you sow, you reap. What am I saying? If we don’t get off our butts n begin to WORK HARD at our goals, dreams, purposes, relationships, career, finances, they ain’t gonna get better. In fact, they may get worse, because it is true that what you do not use, deteriorates. ‘Have you seen a man diligent in his ways? He shall stand before kings n queens n not ordinary men.’ ‘The diligent man makes use of everything he finds.’ When we are committed to working at n on things, we would find that we get better even though initially it might require a lot of time, stress n sacrifices. A relationship that is constantly worked on grows n becomes solid. Work usually produces harvest n rewards, results.

Knowing where we are going also determines the level of effort we put in. You wanna graduate with honors, you know it aint a piece of cake. It’s an easy thing to make wishes n plans n confess positive things that we want but are we ready to work for them? Faith with no works is meaningless; it takes work to prove your faith.

Now, the best way to know how a gadget works is to go through its manual put together by the maker, that way we can assemble the different parts with little or no stress n get the thing started. For some of us, the work we need to do is allow the manufacturer take us through His manual. ‘He said, before I formed you, I KNEW you’. This means, there is a you God knew n related with before you were conceived in your mother’s womb. Aren’t you curious to find out who that you is? The way I see it is there is already a manual that describes everything about how we are supposed to live on earth n who we are to be, different for each individual but because we have not bothered to find out what this manual says, we struggle n stumble on our way to self discovery. When we get this manual n begin to act it out, we open up ourselves to the refiner to take us through His fire, to bring us out in our purest state, to the right picture n person we were created to be. When we are functioning optimally, there’s this inner peace n satisfaction that we experience. We ‘occupy’.

When I am old n without my teeth (hopefully not), I want that deep seated satisfaction in me that I worked to be the BEST me n I would be going to the grave ‘empty’. I’m on the run, wanna join me?

Much love.

BB

If the word BlackBerry what came to your mind, I wouldn’t be surprised. What is up with the rave on that anyways? Where I am thinking of getting another XpressMusic, most peeps already have their BB or are ‘working’ towards getting theirs. This isn’t about BlackBerry though (not even sure I would know what to write about it). No, this ain’t about Blackberry; it’s about BONDING and BOUNDARIES.


I have often heard people say that it is impossible for a guy and a girl to be very close platonic friends and they wouldn’t have intimate feelings for each other, with time the platonicity (permit me to use that word) will give way to intimacy they say. While this may have its element of truth, I do not totally agree and this is where BB comes in.

Someone once said to me that you tend to develop a likeness for those you pray with and for. This is very true. Have you ever had a male/female prayer buddy you pray with and suddenly you just find yourself developing strong emotions for the person? Or there’s this particular friend you like to pray for and you find yourself drawn to the person? I don’t know about you, but I have experienced both, oh yea, I’m a living witness. Maybe yours has to do with the person you confide in. That friend you love to tell your inner heart to and who understands you like no one does, you know you are just friends yet you find your heart speaking a different language.

In our christain walk, if we live without boundaries and standards, the enemy will easily overcome us. It is like a car with no brake, it might take awhile, but that car will surely crash. Some of us live our lives with no restrictions. We do not even guard our hearts, talk less with diligence. We allow anything and anyone to come into our lives, mess us up and leave. It is difficult to erect boundaries if we do not have a standard or template for our lives. I am talking about principles here. What credos are your values built on? It is important to check why you uphold some values because that would help you stand your ground and hold on to them when they other wisely want to shift. Just like we have restrictions and boundaries in our spiritual walk, we should also have them in our relationships. When you meet someone and get to know the person to an extent, you should ask yourself, ‘how far am I willing to go with this person?’ Defining a relationship is the first step to erecting boundaries.

Bonding, to me is that connection you have and have built over time with someone, that could either be borne out of understanding, or not. It could be on different realms and levels; physical, spiritual, intellectual, emotional, sexual, name it. Late pastor Bimbo used to say, ‘no relationship you have or allow leaves you the same way it met you, it either makes or breaks you’. WORD! You cannot be too careful of the influence you allow and the extent of that influence in your life. Bonding could also be a soul tie between two people depending on which type it is. What you don’t know when you have multiple sex partners that you are not married to is that you are giving a piece of yourself to each partner and forming a soul tie with each one. The bible says a man shall leave his parents and CLEAVE to his wife and they shall become one, what the Lord has joined together, no man can put asunder!!! When you have given pieces of yourself out, (except the Lord redeems you) what do you have to offer your spouse when you marry?

We should watch out for how we bond in our relationships. Late pastor Bimbo also used to say that a lady should not have a man as her prayer partner except they are in a relationship. I totally agree. Define your relationships. There is an acceptable way for a couple to behave that is not for platonic friends. If you are not romantically involved with a man, what are you doing on his laps? What are you doing in his room late in the midnight all by yourself? What are you doing getting all snuggly and cuddly? Why would you sleep in each other’s arms and say you are just friends? With benefits? It might seem harmless at first but do not forget that men majorly are physical beings and get moved by what they see and feel. What you will not eat; please do not bring it to your nose to smell!

Some people argue that even when one makes these boundaries, in the heat of the moment, they get broken. This is why I say our boundaries should be erected out of understanding. What might be my boundary line may not necessarily be yours, but we are both trying to guard against the same thing. While some may say boundaries do not work, I stand bold to say boundaries have helped and ‘delivered’ me on many occasions from unnecessary bonding. Do not get me wrong, I am not saying we shouldn’t share bonds with our friends, but we should be careful who we bond with, how we bond and what kind of bond we share. I know of a lady who got so emotionally dependent upon a male friend of hers and this started to cause hitches in her marriage. Never rush any relationship or friendship. Get to know all you possibly can about a person before releasing yourself to the extent that you want to. Many people find it hard to break off unworthy relationships because they feel they’ve given too much of themselves or they don’t want to hurt the different parties involved. Please, be careful how you bond and who you bond with. Some folks cannot pull out of abusive relationships because of the bond(s) they have formed with their abuser. This is why you would hear a lady when her boyfriend batters her say, ‘he is not always like that, he’s not perfect and he always apologizes, besides, I love him too much to leave him’. That lady is in serious shackles. Living in the bondage of wrongly placed emotions.

I would also say that when we make new acquaintances, we should take our time to get to know the person, letting out ourselves bit by bit to guard against forming a bond you might find impossible to break. A lady once met an ex-convict, now converted and who was vibrant in the Lord, or so it seemed. Gradually, they began to spend time together, praying and studying the word. The lady now felt comfortable with the guy and allowed him to pay her visits. There seemed to be an imminent attraction. One day, the guy showed up, raped the lady and made away with her valuables. This is no super story or fable, real life it happened. I pray that the Holy Spirit will guide us in our relationships, lead us to the right people and help us to discern wrong relationships. I enjoin us to try and ensure that in our relationships and dealings, we watch the double B.

Much love.

Who's Da Boss?

Laughing out loud! I laugh as I remember this story Late Pastor Bimbo Odukoya loved to tell about how a guy was in his ‘heat’ and just couldn’t seem to control himself and wanted to sleep with his girlfriend. As they were about to get down to the business, the lady told the guy she had something important to tell him and the guy who was already ‘charged’ and ready told her to spit out whatever it was she had to say as she was ruining the mood. She said, ‘sweetheart, before we go on, I just need you to know that I’m HIV positive and I love you very much’. Your guess is as good as mine. The guy’s ‘battery’ went flat. (Laughing)


Many times situations, feelings and emotions come our way and they tend to overwhelm us such that we feel helpless and unable to control or discipline ourselves. You come across that beautiful necklace/cool phone you know you shouldn’t buy because it will set back your budget a great deal but you go ahead to buy it anyway as you can’t seem to help yourself. You know you shouldn’t eat those chocolates and ice cream but they just seem to have your name on it, one cup wouldn’t hurt, or would it?

For God hath not given us the Spirit of fear, but of power, love and self control (sound mind). 2 Tim 1:7. Different versions interchange the words self control and sound mind, so we could invariably say to have self control is to have a sound mind. So, when you seem not to be able to control yourself, your mind isn’t in a sane state. We control and discipline ourselves because we want to conform to a certain standard we seek to pattern our lives after. We could say to have self control (discipline) means to make one’s self steady and consistent to a pattern and not deviate from that standard. The flesh naturally wants to do whatever it pleases, but it is the Spirit of God that makes us realize that everything is lawful, but not everything is expedient (profitable). 1 Cor 6: 12 – 13 tells us that we can do anything we want to, but not everything is good for us and that we are not supposed to do indecent things with our bodies but to use them for God who owns and dwells in our bodies.

There comes that stage in every courtship when our hormones seem to be raging out of control and we just can’t seem to hold out any longer, and so to help ourselves, we go first base, second base, but not actually ‘all the way’, after all, it’s pre-marital sex God frowns at and not kissing, necking, petting and its likes. Most peeps like to say there’s no scripture in the bible where God condemns kissing etc. This is true but I know a scripture that says we should flee every APPEARANCE of evil, not evil itself, wouldn’t you agree with me that kissing, necking and petting are appearances of sex, isn’t that what is called foreplay? Some guys tell me they can control themselves when they are into the preambles and would not necessarily go all the way, and then I ask them, the last time you were kissing her, what were your hands doing? We really need to understand that fornication and sexual immorality is not only about the act alone, it involves the mind. It is not until you ‘do the do’ with a lady that you fornicate, merely undressing a woman with your eyes is sexual immorality!

In Proverbs 5, instructions were given to King Solomon that he might have sound judgement! The first was to flee immoral women. This reminds me of what Pastor Kunle Soriyan once said that when you are involved with sexual sin, you withdraw from your bank of influence, I mean don’t we all remember Samson, the mighty man of valor, what brought him down? His weakness, his untamed sexuality.

For real, the ‘gish gish’, ‘lets get down’ feeling is there, perhaps almost everytime you see him/her, in fact my pastor likes to say that as a man, if you don’t feel like grabbing or sleeping with your intended, you need to rethink your choice; but I would like you to get it out of you that you cannot control yourself, because you can! The flesh (our mind) constantly wars with our Spirit man (The Word) and at each time, our choice decides if we conquer sin or not. It’s always about a choice, but making the choice is easy when the Holy Spirit is in control, because He will prompt you and help you to stand if you yield to Him.

1 Cor 6 tells us that sexual sin is a sin against our body in a way no other sin is. The significance of this is that our body belongs to God, He paid a great price to redeem us and we owe it to Him to honor our bodies, His temple, where His Spirit dwells. Sometimes, we really need to sit down and ask ourselves why we uphold and believe in the values that we have, because an understanding will help to erect the right and safe boundaries. If you understand that sexual sin is a destiny destroyer, killer (slow poison) and kingdom inheritance thief, you might want to rethink kissing and fondling each other. I like to say what we won’t eat; we shouldn’t bring it close to our noses. If you know you don’t want to sleep with her yet, why on earth are you fondling her breasts? Another man’s wife (because she’s not yours yet)? Seed time and harvest. Trust becomes an issue when you eventually marry because you believe if she could give it to you while you were still dating; she probably could to anyone else as she doesn’t seem to think it’s a big deal.

Engagement is not a pass for sex, the only pass God gives is marriage. Ladies, I believe it is more unto us to help our men. Men are naturally physical beings and tend to ‘burn with passion’, sex they say is a very good way to relieve pressure. We shouldn’t tempt them unnecessarily and put them in helpless positions. I believe that if a man wants to sleep with his girlfriend and she refuses, except he rapes her, there’s nothing he can do. In the way we dress, conduct and compose ourselves, we need to try not to arouse and set our men on ‘fire’ unnecessarily.

Sex alone is not the only spiritual tie that binds the two souls involved. I remember this power night in school, where the invited minister told us about a man that was being oppressed n ruled by a spirit, such that the man was misbehaving and sleeping with anybody and thing. People kept their female relations away from him. Through a prayer session, God revealed that the origin/entrance of the spirit into the man’s life happened through kissing a girl. Unknown to the man, through that contact, she passed that spirit to him. People, be guided. If Christ has set you free, please don’t by yourself put the chains on again.

The bible says that those who find it hard to control themselves should marry, and so, for those of us unmarried, we are expected to control and keep ourselves from sexual sin. If we couldn’t do it, He wouldn’t have said we could. It may be difficult, but His grace helps. Pray. Erect safe boundaries and stick with them. Watch what you take into you through your eyes and ears. His Spirit gives us liberty to do what we want, but we should know that not everything is good for us and we have to REFUSE to let anything have power over us. 1 Cor 6:12. The next time your body is telling you, ‘go and do’, you tell it who THE BOSS is!

Much love.

ON A STRONG THING LEVEL

She dey push my buttons, dial my number……..she dey do me strong thing, no be small thing. Yeah, that’s Banky W singing STRONG THING, or something that sounds like that. Quite a number of us have had someone do us a ‘strong thing’ or we have done unto some people ‘strong things’ (laughing out loud) either ways, and you might wanna agree with Banky W when he says, ‘no be small thing ’. Shall we then call a ‘strong thing’ love? Perhaps I should try to describe what a strong thing is like.

You know when you think about a person and you start to get goose pimples, or you see the person and your heart starts to run a marathon, beating so fast and when you hear his/her voice, you just ‘melt’. Your thought usually revolves around that person and he/she can do no wrong. He’s/she’s probably the most wonderful person on earth. You dream about this person, probably saying I do’s, (laughing), and you long to hold this certain someone in your arms and just cuddle, or more. Did I forget to mention that ‘butterflies’ become tenants in your stomach when this person is around you and he/she just gives you ‘the fever’, you know that ‘gish gish’ feeling. You are seriously tripped and on a rollercoaster, life is certainly beautiful.

This ‘strong thing’ is a feeling of attraction. Don’t even begin to mistake it for love. I have heard people say diverse things about two people getting together. Some say to hell with the feelings, what have they got to do with love? Some say the feelings are not that important, what matters is who the person really is; the choice of a partner should not be based on an attraction and a whole lot of stuff.

When a guy sets his sight upon a lady and sets out to woo her, I sometimes wonder why he chose her out of the rest of the pack. I mean he must have had options, but what made him decide it had to be her? Her sense of style? Her personality? Her physique? Her brains? Her aura? Guys you would agree with me that the first thing that attracts you to a woman is usually her outlook, that’s what piques your interest and makes you want to take a closer look. While you are taking a closer look, you might find some qualities you have been searching for in a woman and your heart begins to get involved. May I just say at this point that ‘love at first sight’ don’t mean nothing to me, it doesn’t exist, and that is because you cannot love what you do not know, contrary to what people think, love is a choice, and so I would say it’s more of ‘attraction at first sight’.

A lot of us mistake this feeling of attraction for love and hereby get ourselves all emotionally tangled up. That a man opens the door for you, or takes you out, or buys you roses, sends you romantic texts and gifts does not mean he loves you, when a man has gotten to know your weaknesses and faults and can still say no matter who you are or what you have done he still values you the same, sees you as no lesser than you are and accepts you for who you are unconditionally, then you can say he loves you. Now don’t get me wrong, all the above listed attributes are evidences of his affection and when true love is present, it naturally births giving (For God so loved the world, He GAVE His only son…). So, one of the ways you can know when a man/woman loves you is how much of himself/herself the person gives to you, not necessarily the material things.

Usually, couples are on the ‘strong thing’ level at the initial stage of their relationship, where they haven’t
really gotten to know each other’s character. When individual character begins to find its way out through fronts and facades, then the ‘strong thing’ begins to reduce to nothing. At this point, sometimes, you cannot even phantom what you saw in the person that made you say yes initially.

I would personally say that I wouldn’t dream of going into a relationship with a man I feel nothing for, or who
does not do me a ‘strong thing’. That means that for me to say yes to a man, apart from finding some certain
qualities in him, I must be attracted to him, that’s what sets him apart from the pack. The attraction doesn’t only have to be about his outlook, might be his mind, might be his person, but an attraction is what piques my interest.
While it’s ok to start on a ‘strong thing’ level, it is essential that we outgrow this level as soon as we can, and
be able to control our emotions and feelings. We shouldn’t allow ourselves to be consumed and controlled by our feelings and emotions, lest we lose our reasoning. When people say love is blind, I say mine would see. Your feelings alone should never be the reason why you would say yes to a man or ask a lady out. This is because feelings are fleeting; they are subject to the ‘weather’. So, if your relationship is based on just feelings, then preserving it when the distress and disagreements come becomes herculean as your feeling at that time will naturally take up the temperature of distress. But when you back up the feelings with certain unique qualities this person has, shared values, dreams, visions, goals and destinations, then when the differences start showing up, you can go back to your common solid ground and fight it with that.

We also have to be careful how we handle the ‘strong thing’ level so we don’t make mistakes we may regret. Based on the rollercoaster emotions and feelings we might be experiencing, some of us might be carried away and lose self control. You begin to bond unnecessarily, and engage in pre-marital sex. While you are on that level, erect boundaries that would protect you and stick with those boundaries. People say boundaries could be hard to follow, I have worked with boundaries and they have worked for me. Seek God’s help and strength to stay true to your beliefs and values. Avoid tempting scenarios, when you are not going to eat meat, you shouldn’t bother to bring it close to your nose. Flee every APPEARANCE of evil, not evil itself.

I actually believe that even till and in marriage, couples should still do each other ‘strong things’ but at this
stage, they would have gone through a lot together, weathered storms and if and when you and your partner have gone through your differences, disagreements, fights, arguments and distress and you still come out doing each other ‘strong things’, then I would say you have reached your place of stability, ‘a permanent thing’.

Much love.